The baby books are driving me insane!!! Tell me they are rubbish - the Baby Whisperer, Gina Ford etc

[emmyloo2]

Hi all,

I have a gorgeous, happy 8 1/2 week old baby who is thriving. He is sleeping well at night (8pm until 5.30am) and then a short nap until 7.15am consistently. I then feed him and put him down for a nap at around 9ish either in his pram and walk him or in his cot. However, after that his routine is hit and miss. He struggles to sleep longer than 40 minutes during the day, but sometimes I get 2 hours out of him. I also take him for a walk every evening around 5.30pm and he naps until his bedtime routine starts at 7pm. It's just the days which are killing me because I find it hard to plan anything because he doesn't settle at specific times. It's a very rough routine.

I guess the main thing that is bothering me though is all these books people keep telling me "saved their lived", particularly the Baby Whisperer book. I have read it and Gina Ford and I just can't seem to implement the routines because my life is not that structured. I like to get out and about a bit with the baby and I go to the gym most mornings for some me-time. So I find specific routines impossible to follow. I am all for routine, but I find these structured approaches overwhelming. I also find they make me feel inadequate as if I am not working hard enough at getting my baby to "self-settle" and therefore later on I am going to pay for it with a baby who won't sleep.

I want to ignore the books and keep muddling along, but then I will speak to someone who says the approach worked for them. I don't understand how anyone can implement such a strict approach though and actually leave the house?

Can anyone advise? Should I stop reading the books and keep doing what I am doing. My Mum says I am overthinking things and I should throw away the books.

Thanks!

I was in a similar boat to you when my DS was this age... Except my DS was waking every 3-4 hours at night. I read them through lack of confidence, I worried about them through lack if confidence... As my confidence in myself grew I started to feel better about myself. I believe your Mum is 100% correct. The best advice I have received has been from my Mum and Mumsnet. I truly believe Mumsnet and the experienced Mums of Mumsnet in particular have answered everything I've ever wanted to know without patronising me or making me feel worthless (I cannot say the same about books). I will say one thing about the Baby Whisperer though, think EASY without being regimented... Feed you baby, Be Active and Play with your Baby, Both of you Sleep and try to make time for Yourself!

"I want to ignore the books and keep muddling along" - I think you should. Sounds like your situation is working for you, so don't worry about it. If it stops working for you, then turn to the book that suits you best.

Build yourself a nice bonfire and toss them all in. Do your own sweet thing with your baby. Give your mum a high five from me.

The only books I ever liked were the Dr Sears books, that basically said 'trust your instincts' and do it your way. I felt relieved of a burden once started reading them.

Want to add, about all that 'training your baby' stuff - it was all the vogue when my mum was a new mother too and she remarked to me once that she thought it was the frazzled mothers who were being trained...

Thanks everyone! I am going to stop reading them because they only serve to make me anxious and that can't be good for me or the baby. I just love playing with him and making him laugh, talking to him and I don't want to run my life and his like a military operation. It just doesn't work for me because I am trying to maintain a normal existence as much as possible. I am also heading back to work in 2 months and so I wouldn't be able to strictly follow the routines anyway.

I might get a Dr Sears book as they might relieve the anxiety.

I hate the whole "babies who follow my routine never cry" or "babies who follow my routine sleep through the night within a few days". What a load of bollocks! I also wonder whether when my friends have turned to these books it is usually around the 10-12 week mark when babies start naturally finding their routines anyway and so it's all a coincidence.

My Mum says they never had books in her day - you just did what you thought was best and carried on. She just loves playing with him and thinks the idea of a structured routine as ridiculous and completely unrealistic for a normal existence. She is fabulous!

Ooh and mathanxiety - I totally agree with your Mum. The women who I have spoken to who have used these books turn to them in desperation when their babies weren't having any sort of routine or structure and I think it helped them cope with it all.

I feel like I am coping quite well (not perfect of course) and my gut tells me to keep doing what I am doing. I hate the idea of "training a baby". They are not a dog for god's sake! Surely they don't understand what you are trying to train them into!

Erm ... your baby sleeps through the night at 8 weeks. You are clearly doing something right!

What are you trying to achieve from implementing a routine anyway? You seem happy; baby seems happy.

The Baby Whisperer in particular made me feel shit about everything. Her tone is really strident and judgey. (Though the EASY thing does work well. But you don't need the book to do it. Just follow that order throughout the day and you have a rough structure without a 'routine' as such.)

Just look out for tired signs (looking away, yawning, grizzling - usually after being awake for an hour and a half or so) and get him to sleep. He doesn't need to nap at set times. Don't worry about self-settling either - I mean, try it every so often but if it means him crying loads just do whatever it takes to get him to sleep (cuddling, patting, rocking etc).

Sounds like you're blessed with a good sleeper anyway but if things go downhill, The No-Cry Sleep Solution is a very gentle, reassuring read.

I would personally chuck out the others and read What Mothers Do by Naomi Stadlen. It really cheered me up. Oh, and mumsnet is essential

Your mum is right

If you are getting to the gym most mornings for " me time" then I guess your mum is watching your baby? So she is kind as well as smart.

Listen to her

You seem to be doing ok so far! THe only book I read with any level of "that seems good" was this one by Libby Purves - How not to be a Perfect Mother. It is very reassuring, especially regarding routines (or lack thereof).

Please go with your gut instincts though - no point in making both you and your baby miserable just on the say so of some childless book-writer.

Bloody hell - I would kill to have the routine you have already managed with your baby! Mine barely sleeps, I never get any "me" time and I long for the day when she sleeps more than 3 hours in a stretch.

You don't need to read books, you need to write one and let me in on your secret!

another option is to get two books which will innoculate you against the others, Dream Babies by Christina Hardyment and A World of Babies by DeLoache and Gottlieb.

the one is about childcare advice through history, the other about childcare advice round the world in different cultures. It will demonstrate that people believe all kinds of loopy things about babies and the babies still end up fine.

agree about Libby Purves being good; I think it is because she is basically telling you how to look after your baby and still have a life (eg there is a bit on how to take your baby camping) whereas most of the books are purely about the baby.

17 years into caring for babies (my own and other people's) it has become clear to me routines suit some babies and not others. Parents with babies who are good with routines sing the praises of Gina Ford et al. The parents of the others feel like they've done something wrong.

Babies are individuals and will settle into their own routine if it suits them. If it doesn't suit them their parents will just expend silly amounts of time and energy if they try to impose one.

I have come across many parents now who have had one routine oriented baby and been quite smug about it. Then number two or three has come along and clearly didn't read the book they did. Suddenly the books are forgotten.

OP, do what feels right for you and your baby and enjoy every wonderful minute.

Bin the books.

Do what you want.

The main problem with the books is that the babies themselves don't get round to reading them, they're far too busy doing what THEY want to do.

I'd also recommend the 'What Mothers Do' book though.

Give them to charity.

GF doesn't have kids, does she?

Don't give them to charity, someone else will read them. Put them in the bin. I did.

Forget the books.
Go with your instincts.
Enjoy these special first weeks of falling totally and utterly in love with each other.

Throw away the books! Do it now!!!!

I only had the confidence to throw them out second time round and I had a much more enjoyable time with my young baby.

Your son is very young still and they don't really find a routine as such until 12 weeks or later. Also routine can be annoying as it stops you from being flexible. My second child has had a routine but it's been loads more flexible to fit in with older one and it's much easier to manage. We don't have to be having lunch at 11.30 everyday for example!!!!

The only time I got a book out second time round was for sleeping as DD was a bad sleeper. I had "Teach your baby to sleep" from the Millpond sleep clinic. It gave very good advice on sorting out a nap routine, controlled crying and how much sleep they need etc. DD was 8 months at this point, not 8 weeks and on solids.

yep, bin them! The only thing we got from a book was a small extract from the baby whisperer about the EASY thing, and that just helped us to realise that there was a sort of a pattern and that DS did have different activities during the day as it tended to just sort of morph into one thing in the early days. The problem with the books is that have their own "philosophy" as the starting point and they are so contradictory how can you possibly think that one is right and the others wrong? Keep checking in on here, that way you get an overview but sounds like you are doing ok at the moment anyway!

'I hate the idea of "training a baby". They are not a dog for god's sake! Surely they don't understand what you are trying to train them into!'

Now that should be quote of the week

Bin 'em!

Can remember sobbing over the moses basket at DS, holding the Baby Whisperer book and wailing to my mum that after he has eaten, he did not want to do an activity as per EASY routine...DS was more eat, sleep, your time then activity....

I felt much better when I stopped reading all books! In fact, when I gave the Baby Whisperer to charity, I actually wrote a note on the first page saying that while some books were good for parents, at the end of the day, your own instincts were the best thing and not to stress about routine - often wonder if anyone ended up with that book!

Would have loved DS sleeping through like yours at 8.5 weeks!!!

The books are excellent for holding the door open, swatting rogue spiders and donating to charity shops.

Bloody Nora! Your baby is sleeping through at 8.5 weeks?! Sounds like you should write a book.

Best thing my mother ever did was to empty all of my baby books into a bin bag and put them in the wheelie bin! And believe me, I had them ALL! Trying to combine Sears advice, with Baby whisperer advice is pretty challenging but I tried.

I have 1 book which I vey occasionally refer to. www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/067004007X/ref=mp_s_a_2?qid=1295813890&sr=8-2

To be honest, it's heavily aimed at US and Aus Market (I didn't realise when I bought it) but it's the tone that's right. How can anyone who's never met your child know what they need?

get rid of the books, you have an 8 week old who sleeps through and you go to the gym each day?!?!

you should be WRITING a book

Bin them. I was exactly the same as you when DD was little, I was convinced that she had to be in a routine, had to learn to self-settle and so on. I spent ages trying to make her 'fit' the baby whisperer routine. It just didn't work, she fell asleep naturally after a feed. And despite everything the book said to the contrary, allowing her to do so did not mean that she was forever unable to settle herself.

I was so much happier when I just followed her cues without stressing about what she 'should' be doing next.

Burn them to make sure they can't be passed onto someone else to damage their confidence and mess up natural in-built info we all have.

Gina Ford? My ARSE!