Bit overwhelmed with having two

[Kenny10]

i am struggling with my ds2 who is 3 months old. He seems to cry an awful lot and i cant figure out what it is with him. i am breastfeeding on demand and he is gaining lots of weight, he is already in 6 month clothes. i am co sleeping to make feeding easier and up to recently the nights have been ok but he is now waking 5 or 6 times a night. its not a growth spurt as i know when they happen. i am also worried that all my attention is being given to him and none to my almost 3 year old ds1. i feel i am relying on tv far too much for him these days as i spend most of my time trying to get ds2 asleep for his nap which only lasts 30 minutes so the whole thing begins again soon. i am wearing a sling and he sleeps well in that but i would occasionally like him to sleep in the bed/moses. A friend of mine said i would find a rhythm when my ds2 was born but i feel like i havent yet. im not big into routine but feel like i would like some at this point. any suggestions welcome- i know its not a particularly unusual situation.

It's hard isn't it. There was an 18 month gap between my two and the first year is really hard. It does get better.

I don't think there are any rules as to make it better. I found BF harder with second child as I oculdn't pay attention to first one.

I don't know what to say except that I feel for you!

Is he crying before feeds, after feeds, could it be his tummy? Sometimes I found that leaving DS2 in his cot and leaving him for a few minutes and he would settle on his own. Almost as if he wanted some time off and was overstimulated. Good luck

thanks for replying. yes i feel a bit of a failure to be honest. and a bit negative too. he cries before a feed, during a feed, when you put him down, in the sling, in his chair, in my arms. Not at all during the night actually making them quite peaceful. i feel bad that he gets so hysterical and think i must be missing something or not tuning into him. he is a lovely smiley fellow too and will sometimes be happy for good stretches. its the ferocity of his crying is hard to take. Dp says ds1 was nothing like that so i suppose its new for us. not that comparing them is at all fair. i feel at my wits end sometimes. i want to enjoy it so much but struggle to sometimes. think tiredness is getting to me at the moment so feeling overly negative.

If you do want to try a routine, 3 months is a good time to start. I liked the Baby Whisperer's suggestions, they aren't as strict as some other routines, but they do help you recognise cues as to what the baby wants. Sometimes they are crying when they are hungry, sometimes it is tiredness etc. I found I got my two into a fairly fluid routine at around this age of more or less three/four naps a day, and feeding more or less every three hours. Of course it didn't always work exactly like this but it helped me feel more in control and with dd2 it also helped me plan my day around dd1 rather than the baby.

Anyway the most important thing is to remember that it IS hard, you are not doing anything wrong, this is just a phase and it WILL get easier.

Agree with stranded. I am a fan of the BW. My DD (luckily my DC1) was just like your DC2. In hindsight I think a lot of it was down to being overtired/overstimulated.

I would recommend making sure you go somewhere every day. Will your DS2 sleep in the pram/pushchair? If so, some long walks with a park visit for DS1 (if the weather is ok) or to a local library or toddler group.

The constant grind of trying to get baby to sleep, trying to feed baby etc etc can be so wearing, so try to break it up as much as possible. And if you know your DS1 has had some fresh air and fun for an hour or so, you won't feel so bad if he watches a bit too much telly later on.

Also I used to sort out activities for DD for when I was feeding DS. A sticker book or reading book that I could help her with whilst DS fed.

Hello,
It is hard and it sounds like you are doing really well- keep going it will get easier .

In the meantime..... I would have some set occasions (if you don't already) when you can give DS1 attention and the baby will fit in. It's amazing how they will when they have to!-

I know it's hard when they are crying but if you have been through the checklist- hungry/tired/ill etc etc then you've done all you can and sometimes just getting on with things and taking it in your stride is the best that you can do.

Personally I would forget the "trying" to get baby to sleep- they will sleep when they're tired and out in the buggy/in the sling is probably easiest at this age. I would try a few different environments and you might find this perks everyone up. Do you get out to the library/to friends/to playgroup together?

The crying could be from reflux if not anything else? A lot of the crying (loud or not!) does just disappear with age- and I very much think it is a personality thing of different babies- there are some chilled out babies and there are some less than chilled! Hopefully your less than chilled baby will turn into an easy toddler - reverse happens with a lot of people!

Don't worry about the T.V.- as long as it's not on all the time it's fine and probably helpful! All my friends who had 2 about 2-3 years apart all moaned "there's far too much T.V. on in this house"- myself included. It was also worse when the older ones gave up their naps- I was lucky my older one kept napping until 3 and 2 months but not all were!

Personally I binned the books second time round as I found they took away my confidence rather than gave me it- also BF (I BF exclusively until 6 mths and carried on with solids until 18) is hard and I don't think some of the books really understand the whole BF relationship which is very personal to each pair of Mum and baby.

Good luck!

I don't really remember trying to put ds2 to sleep at that age. He would be tired and eventually settle himself without a huge fuss I think, but i did have to let him fuss it out a bit. Much more I took to 'toddler first, baby second' approach, except for ripe nappies and hunger, I kind of left the baby to get on with it, and I think he could get a bit overstimulated with the nursery runs and endless buzzy older child around, he certainly never needed entertaining in the way ds1 did.

I'm pretty sure that 3 month night time disruption is a developmental stage (diff to a growth spurt, but noticeable nonetheless and IT WILL PASS). Mine did 45 minute naps - to a toddler than can be an eternity of parental attention so give the toddler that time entirely.

I deffo did too much TV, and cut it down by spending time and money or pre-arranging playdates where I sat around in background with baby and activities like new sets of farm animals to play with, or stickers to match to pics. At least one a day, was tiring but did stimulate toddler, and ease my conscience over the tv.

My hardest time with both my DCs was between 3 and 4 months - lots of other mothers seem to have noticed that too.

I do wonder if your baby has reflux or colic? If he is crying a lot without apparent cause that might be worth looking into. Or perhaps he is just a sensitive baby (particularly tough if it is your second and you have a toddler). Can you manage him easily in the sling? If so, that sounds like a great thing to be doing. I also think fresh air can really help soothe babies, so I would get out every day.

Pretty much all of us find the tv goes on when the second DC is born. It doesn't have to stay like that, but at this stage you just do whatever it takes to get through the day as best you can.

Yes agree that its much easier when we get out and we are actually quite active. thankfully we have great parks and a zoo nearby so its easy to do. I suppose with the snow we've been a bit housebound recently and i have the two of them three days a week so its not always possible to be out the whole time. but i do think getting out is the key. i have the baby whisperer books but find it hard to see how i can reconcile the EASY routines with breastfeeding on demand and co sleeping etc. we did try pick up/put down with ds1 but never saw it through as it just seemed to upset him. i feel like ive lost my way a bit or something. Like i've chosen to parent in a particular way and its all wrong. ds1 seemed to routine himself at 3 months and it was quite easy although he was a terrible sleeper until we night weaned him at 10 months.

i do think tiredness is a huge part of it with ds2 alright.Ive also now got myself into an endless cycle of feeding as he gets so upset. So i feed some more, change 10 nappies a day, my breasts get huge from all the feeding, he pulls away and cries because they're exploding on him.

oh dear! bad week im afraid. I should add that he has had a cold this week and thats not helping im sure. My dp was also just saying that he is a very large baby and is probably very hungry which i can't underestimate. he was close to ten pounds at birth and I am quite small so am pretty tired from the constant feeding. i suppose i should just give myself a break which im not very good at doing.

thanks for your replies, i know what im going through is nothing unusual and it helps just knowing that.

Bin the book and do your own thing.

I don't like BW at all.

Try to express a bit of milk just before you feed it might help with him not getting too much of a gush.

Try to space out the feeds it might be hard the first couple of days but feeding often and little is hard compared to feeding a lot not so often.

I have to be honest, I have found this 1st year with 2 really hard. DS 2 is very very clingy and my 3 year old is going through an emotional phase so I am like an octopus at the moment.

My only real advice is try to spend 15 mins 1:1 with your eldest everyday... oh and WINE!

Another thing I think may be helpful is getting out with baby in pram and 3 year old on bike/scooter. Its the only time DS2 isn't on my hip/may be alseep/ or is a least in a space place while I can give DS1 attention, whilst wearing him out!

Yeah i suppose ive just gotten a bit stuck in it all and just need something to shift for myself, like the feeding as you say Blueberry.

also agree with watermelon, wine is lovely. just opened a bottle! It's Friday after all. Thanks to all you helpful folk. Tomorrow is another day.

Ah, yes, give yourself a break .

The cold will account for a lot. They can't BF nearly so well, so don't feed enough so have to feed a lot more often which can upset their tummies/sleep etc etc.

Once he's over the cold you can get back to feeding a bit less in bigger gos and hopefully it will all settle down a bit.

First year with 2 is bloomin' hard and it gets better once sleep improves and they both get older.

Mine are now 4 and 2, and it's lovely .

I had to do controlled crying for DD (little one) at 8 months, finally got her in a nap routine then to get my sanity back. She only slept through properly at 14 months and we only weaned finally (after she'd never taken a bottle) at 18 months. BUT it was fun!! and I learnt a lot about myself along the way. Hang on in there

Kenny10 its so so hard, and it sounds like you are doing great :) Cosleeping can really help to get some extra sleep yourself.

I promise you it does get better. My 2 DD's are now 8 months and almost three and I'm finding life alot easier.

You meantion baby crying alot during the day but ok at night.

Could baby be suffering from silent reflux? Mine had this and the come around 4 months was actually being bringing her feed up.

Like others have suggessted try and spend some one on one with your 3 year old when baby is sleeping.

Sorry if I missed but can you wear a sling while at home allows you to play with the other one.

It does sounds like you have had a tough weak week with baby having a cold and constant feeding.

Please remember that in a few months baby wont want to be constantly attached to your boobs and will be interested in playing with his big brother :)

Also the days will be getting warmer!! Summer makes everything better :)

I feel for you! The first two years with 2 were the toughest of my life! It does progressively get easier though. Don't feel guilty for the TV! It is really hard to avoid especially if you do not have someone coming to help entertain your oldest. I second the ditching the book idea. I tried a routine but it was more stressful and I found it easier when I relaxed and just 'went with it' in regards to baby's sleeping and eating. Scheduling wasn't to my taste in the end, but some thrive on it. All the best!

thanks everyone. easier today with dp at home. He took ds2 at 5am this morning after an hour of feeding and no sign of sleep. so feel better after a lie in. Lovemy2babies- i just bought an ergobaby sling recently having used a moby wrap for the first few months and yes it is easier with the sling-he's asleep in it right now in fact for almost 2 hours. i think the toughest thing is the fact that he is upset so much. I've never heard of silent reflux, must look it up. he doesnt seem happy when he should be, like after a long nap or feed so maybe something is up. He's so smiley at other times then. hard to figure.

He settled well enough with dp this morning and woke again at 7 for a feed. I may consider stopping feeding him after 3am and swopping over with dp (he has moved in with our ds1) if the nights continue as bad. But maybe the cold is the cause of it all and things will improve. i have no problem with being woken 2 or 3 times a night for a feed but six or seven times just does me in and fills me with dread as ds1 was like that for 10 months until we night weaned him.

Kenny speak to your hv and Gp about reflux.
You mentioning your baby being unhappy when he should be sounds familiar to me.
My dd2 was like this I could often hear her tummy gurgling even after she had winded. And her face would have a very subtle unhappy look on it. Poor thing.
All got better after she could sit up and support herself.
Think there is a reflux support thread around here.