4yo hitting, pushing etc

[Donz1975]

Hi I'm hoping I can get some advice for my son. He will be 4 next week and started nursery in September. Towards the end of last term and beginning of this term I have started getting reports of him getting 'a sad face' as he has hit one of the other children or pushed someone, ran into someone or calling other children silly all the time. Mostly I found this out through asking the teachers as up until recently they never told me if he'd been naughty. As far as I was aware he never had any problems at his pre-school. As of yesterday he is now working his way to a visit to the head teacher. One of the nursery nurses tells me not to worry but I do. I have met with his teacher who just said 'I don't know why he does it!!!' Could this just be phase or could it be a sign of anything else. Also does anyone have any advice on how to deal with it. When we ask him why he hits he just says because he likes to! If we see that he hits his little brother etc we punish bt what can we do about nursery?
This is my first time on here but would really appreciate any comments/advice. Thanks

I think you should ask for a meeting with the teacher nursery nurse and try to identify why he is hitting and what strategy they use to encourage good behaviour, and reinforce it when you speak to him before and after school. My DS1 is in reception and they use a 'traffic light' system so children are generally on green, and they move on to amber if they don't stick to the rules (simple rules - like no hitting) and red if the behaviour still goes on. I don't comletely agree with this system but at least the children look like they are trying to stay on green and know what's not acceptable behaviour. Reinforcing good behaviour - such as a special treat or a special game - when he has spent the day (or half day) not pushing/hitting.

Hi, My son has also started to behave a little badly at nursery(some pushing/temper tantrums), he is also 4 soon (Feb) and will be in the reception class in Sept. He has always been a bit exuberant and enjoys rough-and-tumble with his 2yr old brother.
I have started another reward chart with stars for when he has had a good day at nursery, and he gets them for other good behaviour things - like no crying/resistance to getting dressed (another problem). Its early days but hopefully he'll realise its really good to get stars when he gets a reward for obtaining 5 then another for gaining 10 each week! Another strategy I have at home which has worked well for bad behaviour at home, is threatening to take away a favorite toy and putting it in a box over the fridge-freezer, if he is good again a while later he can have it back.Anyway, going back to nursery, I have a parent teacher discussion coming up in February, and if you haven't got one arranged, i'd do this. I want to know what their strategies are if he plays up at school. My son started a new nursery in Sept too (as we moved house), and I think it just take some kids quite a long time to accept a new set of people that they have to get on with. Previous to this nursery my son went to another one in our old town, it took him about a year to get really settled, (and he started with being shy/aggressive then as well). Just when we moved he was really happy and was starting to make good friends, and now the poor chap has to start all over again:(. To make it harder, his last class had all boys bar 2 girls, and now he has all girls and only 3 other boys (2 of which are already close friends). At the previous school they did use the traffic light system (probably due to so many crazy boys!) and it worked well. I think they only used this for a while and also had 'house points' spanning accross a couple of classes so there was competition between the boys to get these. Anyway, goodluck with the nursery days, i know exactly how heartbreaking it is to hear that your child has mis-behaved at school despite all your best efforts at home, I think its only natural to worry, I do too - especially thinking that your child may be sad, hopefully with time and patience (if we can muster enough) things will improve!

Hi, My son has also started to behave a little badly at nursery(some pushing/temper tantrums), he is also 4 soon (Feb) and will be in the reception class in Sept. He has always been a bit exuberant and enjoys rough-and-tumble with his 2yr old brother.
I have started another reward chart with stars for when he has had a good day at nursery, and he gets them for other good behaviour things - like no crying/resistance to getting dressed (another problem). Its early days but hopefully he'll realise its really good to get stars when he gets a reward for obtaining 5 then another for gaining 10 each week! Another strategy I have at home which has worked well for bad behaviour at home, is threatening to take away a favorite toy and putting it in a box over the fridge-freezer, if he is good again a while later he can have it back.Anyway, going back to nursery, I have a parent teacher discussion coming up in February, and if you haven't got one arranged, i'd do this. I want to know what their strategies are if he plays up at school. My son started a new nursery in Sept too (as we moved house), and I think it just take boys quite a long time to accept a new set of people that they have to get on with. Previous to this nursery my son went to another one in our old town, it took him about a year to get really settled, (and he started with being shy/aggressive then as well). Just when we moved he was really happy and was starting to make good friends, and now the poor chap has to start all over again:(. To make it harder, his last class had all boys bar 2 girls, and now he has all girls and only 3 other boys (2 of which are already close friends). At the previous school they did use the traffic light system (probably due to so many crazy boys!) and it worked well. I think they only used this for a while and also had 'house points' spanning accross a couple of classes so there was competition between the boys to get these. Anyway, goodluck with the nursery days, i know exactly how heartbreaking it is to hear that your child has mis-behaved at school despite all your best efforts at home, I think its only natural to worry, I do too - especially thinking that your child may be sad, hopefully with time and patience (if we can muster enough) things will improve!

sorry i posted twice by accident as my browser went just after i posted!!

Tbh I think some of it is just age and boys, mine is very similar and we have had some issues since he started school last September.

The most successful strategy has been to work with the school to identify the trigger points and have a stamp/reward chart for those moments. For him it's lining up, he starts pushing and gets bored and starts hitting for the hell of it. It's not malicious particularly, it more comes of boredom or frustration so we're hoping he's going to grow out of it .

Good luck!

Hi there I have a 3.5 year old that has been acting up as well. She has been pinching staff when put time out and from what I have been told she refuses to sit for story time and is being disruptive at nursery, she is always on the go and has also been pitching, kicking, screaming, punching other kid and they seem to think that something might be wrong with her like ocd, adhd or autism etc.. you name it. But the problem is that she is not like this at home she can be so sweet like kisses and cuddles. She likes to write, stories and crafts etc she is even starting to write abc etc she knows all shapes, abc and recognise all the letters and colours and the nursery think she is bright but I cannot understand why she behaves so badly there. Anybody with some advice would be so much appreciated. She has been going to some toddler group since 9 months and has never ever kicked pinched a child and she plays with a little girl same age as her nicely has never hit her. So why is she behaving this way there. I am tired of being told of every bad thing she gets up to. Please help

Hi,

Going through a very similar thing with ds aged 3.5 hitting at preschool. His direct carer knows him very well and understands the triggers ie any other child getting in his personal space when he's not in the mood and can very often prevent an outburst. The preschool manager however makes me feel like he is the only child ever that has displayed any aggression and has never ever said anything positive about ds. After what feels like a very very long time and a lot of heartache I have started to get to the point where as long i am teaching him right and wrong and always dealing which his aggression, plus I have changed his diet, the rest I am praying will resolve itself with age and experience.

In the mean time if there are any magic wands out there please send my way. I echo arista help.....

That's exactly what I have seen on all the notes they are taking about my daughter it's mentioned someone get in her way and she pushed or pinched and I am as well told that they have never come across such a child and constantly hear about her aggresssion to staff ie pinching them when she is put in time out. Neverringht just hearing there is someone out there experiencing all this feel so good I have reached a point where I do not really want to bring my daughter to nursery and fear in the afternoon what I am going to hear. They are getting someone to have a look at her behaviour at preschool at some point and on my side I talked to the health visitor and she has referred her so got someone coming on friday to see her behaviours will see what they say but she is good at home so I do not know.

My only experience is of my two boys (aged 7 and 4).

My 7 year old has always been the gentlest child in the world, but when he was four, he hit another child at nursery, for no apparent reason, and became really aggressive for a few weeks. I was so worried, but came across a book in the library (think it was "Raising Boys") which explained the testosterone levels in boys - they have a sudden spurt at 4 and become really aggressive, but it calms down again at 5.

We have just had a week of this from our 4 year old. Absolute nightmare. He actually bit his best friend at nursery last week - never bitten before, and completely out of character. He tried to explain that his "brain wasn't ready yet". He has just grown about 2 inches in a fortnight, and is quite beside himself, so I think it must be that.

Saying that, I am totally firm and strict with him, and I have asked nursery to be the same. No telly, early nights, and I have made it clear that there will be no play dates/swimming etc if I get another nursery report like that. He seems to have calmed down again - thank goodness.

That's interesting arista. Its really hard to distinguish what is normal/slightly extreme behaviours of being a preschooler vs ok we have a problem here. I'd be really interested in what the professionals think. However it is comforting knowing you are not on your own. I too sit in the car park with knots on my stomach dreading the disapproving faces and the feeling of guilt knowing another child has been on the end of his aggression.

With ds he just like his own space we are trying to encourage him to move out of a situation when it feels too much for him rather than dealing with it by hitting out. He verbalises it well but its another thing doing it.

I've also read about the testosterone levels I'm just praying we have them early and there is not more to come

Just another suggestion, my 4 year old's behaviour deteriorates dramatically when he's hungry. If its happening at the same time every day it could just be that.

thanks everyone for your replies and comments. It is so reassuring to know its not just my ds. We have started a reward chart which seems to be working more days than not so all good there. His teacher also mentioned about the testosterone at 4. I think it may be, in part, due to the large class size whic has recently gone up to 40 from 19 this term and he has definately got worse since then. Parents evening is in a couple of weeks so I will speak more with his teacher then. We have drawn a list of what is good and bad and I remind him of this every morning and the school is trying to remind him of the rules during the morning also. It seems he is at his worst outside so we are looking at maybe keeping him in for a while. Reading the comments here has certainly calmed me a bit and I am also going to try to get to see the health visitor mid Feb to see if they can suggest anything.
Thanks everyone and heres hoping these 'phases' are over quick x