2 yr old tantrums - how do you cope?

[sausagerolemodel]

I kind of knew to expect the terrible twos but they have descended quite suddenly and am finding them difficult to deal with.

Firstly, DD has become a real mummy's girl, so I am the only one who can brush her hair, get her dressed, take her to bed etc (she will do so with DH if I am not there, but if I am there then she screams and screams until I take over)

Secondly what do I do? Do you stay firm with plans (i.e. its bedtime, so we are going to bed no matter how much you scream and for how long) or do you try to stay firm but then give in a little if it will soothe them? (i.e I understand that you are not happy, so if having a biscuit/going back downstairs etc will make you feel calmer then we will do that and then we will go back to our plans).

To clarify - her tantrums do not have a clear end point (giving the biscuit or going downstairs will not necessarily stop them - she just gets so upset she doesn't know what she wants at all).

Its bloody exhausting. It will be "book book!" then "no book! No book!" so although her language is good for her age, I can't tell what it is that she wants (I don't think she really knows either)

This is a recent development and I know its a phase, and will end, but I am finding it tough. Any advice?

I sympathise. I remember the tantrums well and they were quite violent too. My littleun would headbutt the marble floor and have a very sore and red forehead when she eventually finished. the only way it stopped (and it killed me) was to leave her to it and walk away into a completely different room and close the door. I would go back and just ask " are you finished yet?" and until she said "Yes" I would go away 5-10 minst at a time. When she did say she had finished she would inevitably be crying and sobbing and we would sit together and cuddle and when she calmed down I would explain calmly that I didnt like that girl but loved her so much and ask her to apologise. Try to talk about it but when they are that young they really cant understand why they get so upset so dont try to get an answer you probably wont get one.

It sounds like you are allowing your daughter to decide what will and will not happen.
Of course a child that young does not know what they want - they need you to set the boundaries and make the decisions.

If she wants a book and then says no book etc etc - back and forth then you tell her calmly that if she changes her mind again - there will be NO book and you have to stick to that however much she kicks off !

You cannot bargain with a small child - you have to set the rules ! Of course they will get upset - but getting upset won't kill them. Believe me - if you are not in control when a child is this small then you have no chance when they are in their teens.
Of course it is not easy,.. but being a parent never is !

if my dd (2.3) gets too out of control I send her to the naughty chair (time out). She goes on it for 2 mins because she is 2 years old.

This gives her a little time to calm down and it also stops me shouting at her...

Sounds quite like my DD- pretty normal for a 2 year old . It does catch you unawares when they first start, but then you need to be firm so this behaviour doesn't get any worse than it is!!!!

I stick to plans, including getting DH to do stuff if she is screaming for me.

I do let her change her mind, but as pp said if it keeps changing I make the decision for her, or put a limit on it.

I have found it better to be firmer at the beginning of a dispute/tantrum rather than trying to appease- this normally just prolongs the tantrum as they find something else to kick against- well in my DD's case.

I've found she doesn't tantrum nearly so much if she's not tired and things are in the routine, the rules are consistent etc etc. Of course life isn't like this and for example today she had two big tantrums- one before lunch when she was very tired and hungry and one before bath.. when she was very tired........ still have to sit them out and not give in even if understandable.....

Thanks for all of your advice - I have tried being firmer on the I want/I don't want and it seems to help (although I feel I am being quite draconian!) and it always makes her cry more initially, but then she recovers more quickly.

...but we did have a MAHOOSIVE tantrum in the middle of the night which I didn't know how to deal with at all.

At the moment when she wakes in the night (which is frequent - she has always been a restless sleeper) she has started getting immediately very upset and starts screaming. She won't let me or her dad comfort her and winds herself up into a real state, then nothing we can do will console her (she said she wanted to go downstairs, which we didn't do, but she screamed for well over an hour before she finally gave up). Any more suggestions?!

And also, - all of our nursery projector type toys are gone or borken, are their any aimed at slightly older children to help soothe them when the lights go off?

I am going to try a star chart and glow in the dark star stickers but although she's bright, at 2.2yrs I think the reward scheme (i.e. investing in good behaviour now for a reward later) will be too complex for her to understand just yet.

but thanks again everyone who has posted.

bumpety bump still seeking advice?..

I think you're going about this the wrong way tbh, star charts and time out will be lost on a 2 year old.

It's better to figure out the reason for the tantrums and try to stop them from happening. My 2.3 yr old DD will tantrum when she's tired, hungry or bored but especially when she's tired and has trouble telling me what she wants. I find a hug will calm her down enough to say what she wants.

Of course sometimes she will throw a wobbly if I don't let her have a biscuit or something and in that case I just leave her to get on with it, but you need to pick your battles IME.

Some good advice here.