Help for a sad ds

[zonedout]

am not sure the best place to post this so may pop it in a couple of places for maximum feedback as am being eaten up with worry. i shall try to be concise but there is a lot to cover;

so ds1 (4.11) started reception last september. he is of average confidence, neither extremely confident nor desperately shy. although he can be boisterous at times, he has never been into fighting or hitting and has generally preferred the company of girls (all of his closest friends are girls but he is able to form good friendships with boys too). he has always been a very easy going child and pretty unflappable so when he started reception in september i assumed he would just breeze through the transition. very quickly his behaviour changed and he became very angry and quite unhappy in himself. on several occasions i was called in to see the teacher as he had been fighting with other boys in the playground (i cannot even begin to explain how out of character this was) and it soon became apparent that there was a real problem with rowdy boys and fighting in general in the playground of this school. the term continued with ups and downs, luckily my ds1 really enjoyed the classroom and learning and also formed friendships with a couple of the girls. he didn't talk much about what went on at school but would frequently mention certain boys as 'baddies' and 'enemies' and by the end of term his own behaviour had really calmed down and he was no longer fighting but he wasn't masively happy either.

this term, he has continued to mention the same 4 or 5 boys (who i now know have formed friendships together and have frequent playdates) to the point where he has told me he feels sad in the playground as they are constantly chasing him, hitting him and 'getting him'even when he asks them to stop. yetserday he cried his eyes out for over an hour when we got home, saying he never wants to go to the playground again and he wishes those 'baddies' would just go away. this is a boy who almost NEVER cries. so i know it must be bad. i have tried twice to talk to his teacher who, although lovely, is really not acknowleding that there is a problem at all and really doesn't listen to me. not that i needed it but my son's story has been backed up by another boy in the class who apparently told his mum how that groiup of boys are always getting my ds.

i am heartbroken for my little man and don't know how else to help him as the school doesn't seemt to want to know

any words of wisom and experience gratefully received

If the teacher is not listening, then you need to make an appointment to see the headteacher. Tell him/her that they have a duty of care towards your son. Throw in the odd comment about Ofsted safeguarding requirements too. Demand to know what their plan of action will be to ensure that this doens't happen to your son in the playground.

My sister had a similar problem with her son, it was affecting his behaviour at home (he was behaving very aggressively all of a sudden, and was also very withdrawn and miserable) and this is what she had to do at their school. When the school realised what a big problem it was, they pulled their finger out and got right on top of the problem.

Have courage, and keep on pushing for the schoool to do something. Your son can't be expected to carry on like this.

thank you so much for responding, curlyhairedassassin. you talk much sense.

i am finding this so hard.

I would put your concerns in writing to the teacher. I know you've spoken to her, but in writing she will realise you are more serious and then perhaps you can meet her again for an action plan.

I'm sure she would rather deal with it herself than you have to go higher up the school, but perhaps you could word your letter to this effect

She needs to realise that it's more serious than just a talking to, that the teachers need to be proactive to stamp this bullying behaviour out, as this is what it is, or at least how it is to your son-which is what matters.
Good luck!

Haven't had this problem but I know my DS had had the odd few squabbles but which have been the usual run of the mill stuff. Sounds like the teacher is just brushing off your DS's upset as just the run of the mill stuff when its clearly not for your DS. Have you made a sit down appointment with the teacher - not just cornered her at pick up/drop off? I would do that first and give examples. I would also look up the bullying/behavious policies at the school (usually on the website or school office). If you really think the teacher is just giving you the brush off, definitely make an appt with the headteacher (or do that first if you just want quick action as possible). At DSs school they have a buddy bench system and in the first few weeks they were paired with an older child who they could look to for support. Its possible that the teacher isn't noticing these things as she's not around at lunchtime and he's fine in class - but I would be livid if my concerns weren't being addressed or taken seriously. Maybe the class needs a whole group chat about boundaries and respecting other people's wishes etc. Poor your DS....hope you get to sort it out soon.

Oh btw not implying that it IS run of the mill stuff, its just your DS being sensitive. Not what I mean at all! I mean that it isn't run of the mill as its sustained and is causing such upset for your DS.

As Curly said keep pushing and pushing the school should help you with this.

After I read your thread it could have been me writing it when my DS was in reception, though not as severe. I really don't know why the schools allow the children to play this battling game in reception as the children don't seem to know when to stop imo. In the end a child always seems to get singled out which is wrong. In our case it was older children egging the younger ones on. I spoke to the teachers and they dealt with it and luckily

The school should step in especially if your DS is getting this upset. Please go and see them again.

Sorry I haven't got anything more practial for you and I hope you get this resolved soon

It will be hard, yes, my sister went through a terrible time. It completely changed her son's personality and the whole family was being affected in all sorts of ways. In the end she couldn't help but break down in tears at the school when she went to confront them about it. I actually think that helped the situation, though, as they could see how upsetting it all was for all the family, and how seroiusly it was affecting everyone. Things had got so bad at home with his behaviour - he was literally trashing his room and damaging the walls with his anger, and also getting violent with his baby sister. He also tried to run away out of the house he was so sad and was actually running round hysterically looking for the keys to get out the door. So, although you might be scared that you might start crying in front of the teachers, look upon it as a positive thing. It needs nipping in the bud now, it really does.

For my sister's little boy's situation, the first thing the school did was to have a gentle chat with my nephew (after long chat with my sister about behavioural problems at home) and find out exactly what had been going on from his point of view and how he was feeling. they also actually excluded the 2 boys in question from playing out at breaks and lunches. Mainly because my sister's was not the only complaint, she discovered. So other kids were being affected too. As well as this, the teachers and lunchtime supervisors on playground duty watched my nephew like a hawk.

In the end one of the bullies might have got transferred to another school, his general behaviour had been so appalling. He came from v troubled background with druggie parents who constantly turned up at the school violently arguing with each other and others with the police having to be called. The parents were told that they had to improve their own and their son's behaviour (with the school's help) or he would be expelled (at age 5 - imagine!) Needless to say, they did nothing to help their son, they were just a mess - totally irresponsible parents and were involved with other agencies like social services etc. Very for their son, but ultimately he was such a terrible, violent bully that quite a large group of parents were on the point of pulling their bullied children out of the school, which I think was why the boy got transferred in the end.

All very but anyway, it resulted in a drastic improvement in my nephew's behaviour, and he is one again a happy little boy!

Hi, so sorry to read your post. Didn't want to read and run. Please go and see the headteacher. It sounds as if playground supervision may not be sufficient. We've had identical issues which the school were slow to recognise and deal with. DS is at a smallish school but all the kids mix at lunch times. I personally think it is too much for the little ones as it is so busy. They simply don't have the experience or nouse to cope with it. The head now supervises lunch time play 1 day per week and takes the children off on "wild" adventures around the playground (if they want to go). Pretending to be priates or mountain climbing etc. DS loves it and it is building good relationships wih the head for him. Please let us know how you get on.

thank you all so much for your kindness and understanding. it feels like i have quite a mountain to climb but anything for my ds. and yes, his subjective reality is that he is being bullied and that is not on. i think that part of the problem is that at first my ds was fighting back so the teachers in the playground assumed that my ds was just another fighty boy. i knew all along how out of character this was for my ds (and raised it at the time but i felt they just thought i was making excuses for him and told me he was no longer the sweet little pre-schooler i still thought he was and now it has become clear what brough about such an extreme and sudden character shift. i by no means wear rose tinted glasses, am a fairly tough parent with my boys, but a hitter and a fighter my ds1 isn't.

i do know i need to tread carefully, and it is a difficult balance to find between defending a 4 year old, making a huge fuss and a nuisance of myself and accusing a bunch of seemingly sweet little 4 year olds of being bullies! not sure am making sense any more, am rather tired... will keep you posted and thanks all again

It's hard to look upon 4 year olds as bullies. Perhaps they are not necessarily meaning to be cruel, but they are upsetting your little boy and so they need a teacher to tell them it's not ok for them to behave that way. Even if it means lots of different teachers telling them lots of different times till it sinks in. Once they have been shown HOW to behave in the correct manner in the playground they have no excuse for bad behaviour and yes, then they can be described as bullies as they are being deliberately hurtful, knowing that behaviour is wrong.

Let us know how you get on. Keep on at the school, even if you feel you are not getting anywhere at first.