Advice needed re DD, 7

[LovelyJudy]

DD is either bright, enthusiastic, funny, loving OR bossy, shouty, rude, angry and, frankly, embarrassing. A typical example was yesterday, when i went to pick her up from a friend's. She started blaming her friend of delaying the game and thus ruining it. She then ran away and hid. The mum tried to get her out of the hiding place, nicely, but she completely ignored her, so I stepped in and quietly said that if she didn't get up and go to the door in 5 she'd have a privilege withdrawn (ie no screens for a day). She then stood up (on 6) and shouted I HATE YOU. the friend's family were quietly horrified, as was I. She then threw socks at me, was generally rude and i bustled her out of the door.

At home we gave her a calm and clear talk about asseptable () behaviour and she was very upset and embarrassed, and asked us to stop talking about it. She then, as she often does, made a series of apology letters for us. At bed time she came and confessed that she'd been in big trouble twice at school today too, for disruptive behaviour. Again she was mortified, and didn't want me to tell anyone. I was sympathetic, on the basis that i wanted to 'reward' her for coming clean voluntarily to me.

These examples are very typical; this is not just a one off. How do i get her to understand and demonstrate reasonable behaviour without undermining her self esteem? I find this very difficult. I don't want her to be the nightmare child who noone wants to invite over. She may already be this, i'm not sure....

stop worrying about her self esteem

tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable that it must stop and give her consequences

did she face any consequences for her bad behaviour at friends or just the calm talk?

sticker chart might help

and an understanding that all children are vile at times - and they push boundaries of behaviour to see if they'er still there - and that when they want something they find it difficult to follow instructions

it gets worse

God, that could have been about my dd1, who is 7, 8 in May.

She can be loving, thoughtful, great company, well mannered etc etc, OR aggressive, rude, unhelpful and lazy.

I get a lot of "I hate you", usually if I have said or done something she doesn't like, which is just outrageous.

I find she is worse when either tired, or coming down with something, but even still, I find it so hurtful and embarrassing.

I find banning tv quite a good one to use, but would love to hear from others.

thank you all.

My son is also 7 and acts in exactly the same way. I also find his rude and abusive behavoiur upseting and havent found anything that works (as yet).
Most of the time he is sooooooo moody and NO is the answer to everything! Not to mention he has problems with glue ear so constantly shouts instead of talking!

I dont really have any advice but I will keep tabs on this topic if you dont mind, takes some pointers from calmer parents than I. lol

You are not alone!

"... she was very upset and embarrassed, and asked us to stop talking about it. She then, as she often does, made a series of apology letters for us. At bed time she came and confessed that she'd been in big trouble twice at school today too, for disruptive behaviour. Again she was mortified, and didn't want me to tell anyone."

Your dd knows the difference between good/acceptable and bad/unacceptable behaviour. She wants to behave well, but for some reason is struggling to control her feelings and therefore her actions.

I would talk to her teacher and see if they can identify a pattern or a trigger for her outbursts. I wonder whether she is one of those children who struggle with transitions. Changing activities can be very difficult, even with warning beforehand.

Lovelyjudy - My 7 yr old is being incredibly unpleasant at the moment and we had an awful morning before school today. She was very rude to her little brother and me and then started throwing her hair things around my room. I have to say I didn't stay very calm and yelled a lot . Finding it difficult to cope with her constant rudeness and lack of respect for us. I did tell her that I will be unplugging the television today and she will have to make do without it after school. Hoping she will be back to her lovely self by 3.30pm...

OMG this is my 7 year old DD too, I am in the process of stopping the american rubbish she watches constantly but the cold turkey is tough! I need some ideas for star charts, or beads in a pot etc...At school she is perfect!

She has great big feelings that she needs to learn to control (as do so many of us...). My friend's dd (5) put it perfectly, she said she was sorry for shouting but she got huge feelings in her tummy and they had to come out of her throat!

Talk to her about ways she might control them, taking deep breaths, counting to ten etc.

thank you all for your thoughts and experiences. PrettyCandles that's very clearly expressed - it's so helpful to have an external viewpoint. I shall talk to her teacher.

I would give her a lot more responsibility at home. It helps enormously if they are treated "like grown ups" and help to cook,clean, read to younger siblings, look after a pet. Reward her for taking on responsibilities and priase her often. It's a way to raise self esteem and help them take responsibility for their own behaviour.

that's a really good point. after i read it, i gave my (lazy, disrespectful, lovely, funny) ds a choice: washing up, or helping his dsis get ready for bed and read to her. he protested slightly and then off they went, both terribly 'grown up' and happy! I've NEVER asked him to do anything like that before. DH walked in the house during the story and said it's so quiet... what's going on? What a result! and they were both really pleased with themselves. Thank you! The only way is up.

Have just come downstairs after bellowing at DD and DD1 for mucking about, DD saying she can't sleep, scared, hurt hand, uncomfortable bed etcetc both in tears and I feel a shit mum! It's so hard! Where's the instruction manual for a 7 yr old!! Will a star chart work??

Thanks for posting that LJ. I am glad it's working - I was posting from experience. Since I gave my 7 yr old more responsibilty (I let her choose one meal a week she wants to cook, buy the ingredients for her, and then supervise her cooking it for example), I have noticed a less stroppy, more emotionally mature, delightful young lady emerging.

Honestly, your post has cheered me up enormously. Keep up the good work!

Glad to hear it! One step fwd, two steps back: today, I was asked to meet dd's teacher, as she and her friend had had the equivalent of a yellow card, and had been split up, and we (me and other mum) were asked back them up by keeping a close eye on behaviour and not being very firm. we agreed to cancel the girls' planned playdate next week, and i've been hawk-like all evening, imposing a zero-tolerance screens ban for rudeness and backchat from first dd and then ds. dd helped cook the dinner for us and behaved very well; ds just ranted and ranted and eventually gave up and went to bed. i feel perplexed, pissed off, and wishing i hadn't started an alcohol-free month on monday.....

BEING very firm. Not not. that wouldn't make sense