Was told my 13 mo has 'tantrums like 2 year old'. What do I do?

[kenobi]

Sorry this sounds pathetic but this comment has made me want to cry. I was told yesterday - by a nanny who is very fond of my 13 month old DD - that she already has temper tantrums like a 2 year old. I feel awful (which I know was not this person's intention) as I feel like I have been letting her down and not setting boundaries.

My DH and I are are both very even tempered and DD's passionate outbursts have been a source of mild mystification and we do call her our 'little drama queen' which perhaps should have clued me up.
She throws herself on the floor or flails around at the slightest provocation - for example if I don't pick her up when she wants, the food isn't ready Right Now etc, and has several explosions a day, but I assumed that this was normal strong-willed young toddler behaviour.

She is not only PFB but also the first grandchild and does expect to be the centre of attention.

I don't indulge her behaviour (I don't think) but nor do I tell her off, I just sort of keep on doing what I'm doing.

I can't work out how I could discipline her anyway, she's pre-verbal and has only just learned the concept 'no' (and it makes her burst into tears even if it's not applied to her). Also this is my PFB and I don't know anyone with older children.

I'm feeling very low - I just don't want to fail her.

Any help on how to deal with this?

sounds like you're doing fine, just ignore her tantrums so long as she's safe, then when she's calmed down lavish attention on her.

lavish attention on her whenever she's "good" ignore when she's "bad"

it's not uncommon for children this age to have tantrums. Just think - she's advanced, you'd be pleased if she were walking/talking early no?

Don't change a thing.

be pleased that she's advanced for her age and hope this means that she finishes the tantrum stage earlier than others?
No need to worry imo

It sounds to me as if you are doing the right thing- give her as little attention as possible, unless she is hurting herself, while she is having the tantrum and NEVER give in to what she wants. You are right, she is young to be disciplined as such. Ignore the comment, children develop at very different rates, so it was a bit of a nonsense remark anyway.
Just give her some attention when she has finished the tantrum, but don't refer back to it eg shall we play now?
My dd didn't do it very often, but ignoring worked really well, and once older, she would come to me afterwards and say sorry can I have a cuddle?

Oh thank you so much everyone. Concordia, Robyn Yes I suppose I should be pleased she's advanced, I didn't think of it like that < tentative wobbly smile icon >

Sorry to bombard you with questions, but - it is ok to just leave her on the floor when she's screaming? (I mean our living room floor?) Should I stay with her or can I continue doing things like tidying up, making food? That's what I do at the mo, for all the good it does!

What happens if I'm in the middle of something and she calms down - should I stop and praise her? Sorry I must sound so clueless.

Thank you all for replying.

Living room floor is fine, carry on with what you are doing. I would jump on her when she has finished and make a huge fuss as that will make more of an issue of the tantrum. Just chat to her until you finish what you are doing, then sit down and suggest a game or story and don't refer back to the tantrum.

Sorry, should say wouldn't jump on her!!

Honestly, please don't worry about it. Trust your instincts, do what comes naturally and that will be the right thing to do. A 13 month old doesn't need discipline.

They all go through that tantrum phase. If she is indeed having her wobblies now, then thats great - you're getting it out the way early. You'll soon get your head around it.

She'll probably be an adorable 2 year old who will have fewer tantrums than her contemporary.

My son didn't really start tantrums till he was 4. At first we thought we had an angel baby, so much better than the other kids his age . But they came at 4! It was bloody hard work dealing with a tantrums at 4.

In term of advice, you know whats best. She is still young. I'd say - pick your battles. If she's tired and hungry be careful. But on the whole, I would ignore them, carry on as if nothings happening. They all get bored of tantrums eventually (15 mins with my son - at least an hour with my daughter). Once she's recovered, give her a hug and say good girl.

You sound like you are doing just fine and the advice here is spot on. DD soon learnt that tantrums weren't worth the effort.

That being said, she's suddenly started trying it on crying to get what she wants (she's 4.8). The only response she gets from us is, "Do you really think that crying will get you your own way? Has it ever worked with us before?" At which she usually calms herself down and asks for a cuddle. So, being consistent from the start - ie toddler tantrums - really does pay off in the long run.

Keep smiling.

I completely agree with all the other posters, a 13mnth old doesn't need discipline and I think your approach sounds excellent. Be calm and ignore the tantrums as much as possible. Obviously this isn't always possible (when you're out somewhere or something).

But very small children have no patience, they have no understanding of time, and are completely overwhelmed by feelings - so when something doesn't go their way immediately they often do behave as if its the end of the world.

BoattoBolivia - Okay, so NOT jump on her and just keep going - essentially pretend the meltdown never happened - then play.

Thank you so much again!

Thank you again everyone. And it's so reassuring you all agree.

Rycie I do tend to forget that they have no concept of time, your comment is a good mantra to remember. My mum always says she used to laugh when people called their babies Patience as it's the one thing they don't have.

Lil good to know consistency works.

Day I can but hope it's over quick!

DD's first tantrum was when we were in the local hospital reception. She lay on the floor and really went for it. I just stood next to her so that no-one trod on her and let her get on with it. It took about 20 minutes for her to calm down enough for me to pick her up. Then an interefering old baggage decided to help and set DD off again and then announced to everyone that she was a "stroppy little madam". I was nearly in tears, but when DD eventually calmed down again a couple of other ladies told me they thought I'd handled her brilliantly and made me feel great. :)

What I'm trying to say, is decide on a course of action and stick to it - ignore "helpful" stranger and relatives and be consistent.

Cripes, not looking forward to the day that happens to me - I know it happens to everyone. She really chose a seriously public space, didn't she?!

Ok, consistency. I will be consistent in being consistent!

I thought your post title said 13 year old tantrums - that would be a problem!

I think that toddlers get so frustrated because they can't express what they're feeling/what they want so end up tantrumming. Your DD is obviously a great thinker just trying to express herself.

I'm going to be stern here. Your little one is not "advanced" or amazingly bright, nor is she showing signs of future emotional and behavioural difficulties or developing psychopathic tendencies.

Your child is a toddler. She is 13 months old and, as you say, preverbal.

Tantrums are very common in preverbal children. Why anyone who works with children thinks they are confined to two year olds mystifies me. You do not need a behaviour "approach" at this point. I think it is wise to model and explain what is happening e.g. NOT ignore the behaviour, which is more likely to be caused by frustration at her inability to communicate than anything.

How I manage this with my 13 month old is as follows:

Put in highchair and starts screaming as wants food immediately and I need to go to counter to get it -
I say "Porridge? I know, I know you're really hungry. I'm getting you some porridge!".

Screeching on floor because he wants to be picked up but I am doing something:
I usually give him something to distract him and say "mama's busy, you need to wait" with a gesture

Screeching because he wants a drink and I am on laptop but my partner will get it
"You want a drink? Daddy is getting it" (with a point) etc.

Screeching and writhing during nappy change - we usually give him somethin to distract him which he has recently taken to throwing away. I say: "We have to change your nappy. I know you don't like it!"

In general, my approach is to recognise his feeling and explain what's happening. There's lots of gesture attached to this and I tend to use the same language models so that they are predictable and consistent (given that children of this age only understand language in context). It's very consistent and repetitious.

The only thing I "discipline" for is physical aggression. I try to prevent him landing a blow and say firmly: "no". If he cries at this, he cries at this. It can't be tolerated.

Agree with working on all points except that experience has told me that not all children can be distracted once they have got to the tantrumming stage: some simply have to work through it. Dd only got more angry if I tried to distract her. But heigh ho, we survived, and dd is now actually quite well behaved for a teen.

My 16mo is exactly the same and has been for several months. she is not pfb, is the last in a long line of grandchildren etc, so dont be worried it is because she is the first etc! DD2 has started much earlier than DD1, who didnt really tanturm till she was 3!!
As others have said, as long as she is safe, just leave her on the floor, ignore, when she calms a bit, just carry on as though it didnt happen. BUT NEVER GIVE IN !

working9while5 - you don't sound stern, you sound like you know what you're talking about, which I find immensely reassuring and helpful. Thank you. All your examples could be my DD. Not that I'm allowed to be on my laptop!

Thanks Cory and Olivo.

working - are you a childcare professional? (sorry being nosy)

Oh I didn't mean it to sound like it would always work!!!

As I work in special needs, I always think of it in terms of an anxiety curve. There is a bit at the beginning of a tantrum, before a child really "gets into" the tantrum (or the tantrum takes over the child, depending on your perspective) where you can model/distract etc. However, there comes a point that a tantrum is at "meltdown" and anything you do is likely to make everything about ten times worse. At that point, you just have to let it play out.

I would even break it down further in that there's a point where I can calm by touch (e.g. rubbing his back while he's crying) and there's a point where he literally has to just kick and flail it out with no attention whatsoever. Not because we are "ignoring" him, but because he can't hack any more stimulation. When he calms a little on the "down side" of the tantrum, you can give him a little pat but much more might set it off again. You are waiting for the distract-after bit!

I suppose what I am saying is that being responsive to what's underpinning it is important. Ignoring at the earlier stages can lead to a meltdown in my experience (not just with ds but with other kids and in other contexts) and with reference to your typical toddler, it doesn't build in the language needed to move beyond this phase.

Good example actually - someone I'm working with who also has a 13 month old was talking about her little girl at lunch the other day. While eating, she repeatedly put out her hand to push food away but this was "ignored" (by colleague's MIL!) who didn't want to "give in" to this. Little girl ups it a level, takes the food and chucks it on the floor. MIL still doesn't want to "give in" so picks it up and continues feeding! Little girl starts crying, pushing, writing. MIL continues etc. Cue MASSIVE tantrum and MIL says: "well, you just need to ignore her really..". Erm, that caused the tantrum!!!!

I suppose that's what I mean by ignoring sometimes being unhelpful!

very good advice there from working.

some children are a lot more distractable than others, my DD was v distractable until the serious tantrums hit at around 3, you're definitely right about the 'arc' of a tantrum!

just follow your instincts kenobi, you're doing really well.

You've had lots of wise words already.

But just to reassure you that my DD was, and still is exactly the same. The height of her frustration was between 13-16 months. We do seem to be coming out the other side now and she's almost 18 months.

But we still get daily strops when things don't go to plan for her.

You just have to roll with the punches!

I found it such a shock, when my calm, laid back baby turned into a raging, screaming toddler! You do feel like something has gone wrong somewhere because they almost change overnight!

I suddenly panicked and thought I should be disciplining her and teaching her the lay of the land. But then some very wise friends taught me that tantrums are the only way she can release her emotions. And by embracing the strops a bit more, and seeing them for what they are...just an overflow of emotion...my life suddenly didn't seem so stressful!