Playdates: do you let two 3 year olds play upstairs unsupervised

[MrsWB]

Just interested in what other people do on play dates as have just had two bad experiences.

My DS is 3.9 and has had two play dates here recently, on separate occasions, and each time with a friend the same age as him. Both times he took his friend upstairs to play in his room, and both times

1. they went straight into our bedroom and jumped on our bed and threw stuff around (phone, alarm clock, books etc),

1. DS's friend peed, deliberately - one friend in our ball pool and the other in DS's bed (that was particularly bad)!

This has really put me off letting him take his friends upstairs to play. I know he wants more independence at this age, and I would be happy for him to play nicely with a friend upstairs, but I wonder if this age is too young to be left unsupervised?

By the way, although DS is no angel himself, he does not tend to behave destructively when he plays on his own and I have no worries about letting him play anywhere in the house.

Am interested to know what other people do? Do you have any ground rules for play dates?

We don't have "playdates"

Ds1 is 5.3 and ds2 is 2.8.

3.9 seems very young to be left with a friend completely out of view and unsupervised for any length of time.

DD is 4, but for the last 6mo or so, she has been allowed to play upstairs with friends. she knows that she is not allowed in our or dd2'S bedroom, and that she will have to help put things away when friend goes home. they are not allowed to eat or drink upstairs either.

not since my friend's daughter (3) got into my elemis.

I'm not careful enough with my stuff to let tinies run wild.

I let them play alone but pop in on a regular but seemingly random basis. Depends on the kids though. I let my 2 and a half year old play in his room on his own. I know what's there and he's safe. And I can hear him if he decides to storm one of the other rooms.

Was it the same friend both times? Perhaps it's just that particular friend you shouldn't let him play unsupervised with?

I think they tend to hype each other up when there are 2 of them. Ds 2.7 has the run of the house when he is on his own and is fine-as soon as he has friends round play tends to get a lot more manic (ds' included) and he does things he wouldn't dream of on his own! It will be a while longer before I let him play upstairs with friends for more than a few minutes at a time

I let my DC 5 and nearly 3 play upstairs together. But my rule is and always has been play downstairs with friends. My BF allows upstairs play, poor DS...I just stop him from going up there because the last time they were all upstairs the bedroom windows were all wide open and they were chucking stuff out. I was fuming. But she thinks it's fine. Open windows and small boys not a great mix IMO

Depends so much on the child and the situation. I would happily let DS1 (3.4) play with a friend on his own upstairs in our house (he often plays alone upstairs for a bit if I'm occupied with the baby), but actually, he never wants to, as he's quite unconfident with other children. I'd be less happy at someone else's house (particularly if it was the house of someone I didn't know very well), but as I say, it hasn't really arisen yet because he always refuses invitations to go upstairs unless I go too. And, thinking about it, the reason I'd be slightly concerned is more that he might get upset about something than that he'd cause trouble. The one person he does play alone with is his cousin (a girl aged 5), and frankly I can't imagine the two of them getting up to anything remotely naughty.

i do with good friends and children i know well.

i know it prob wont help but i did let out a little chuckle at the thought of 3 year olds quickly leaping into your room to bounce on the bed.. they are only 3 and i quite like a bit of cheekiness! its the hitting/bullying/nastiness i cant bear if i am not around to supervise.

i have to admit i try to pretend i cant the bed bouncing, there is a very small window of time when bouncing on a bed is the ultimate in fun, and i kind of think 'oh bounce away cheekies'..

i would judge it on a child by child basis.. if there is weeing involved i would assume they arent old enough to be on their own or maybe suggest reminding for wees, kids forget when they are in the middle of play (well i think boys are more prone to this, my husband just commented that they never really grow out of it!)

xxx

Our house rule, Only family go upstairs.

I think it does depend on what they're doing and whether you're happy with that.

I was round a friend's house with other friends a few weeks ago, and a mob of 3 year olds were 'playing' upstairs. I was the only adult upstairs (primarily because dd won't go far from me if I'm around) and they're still too little to play for more than a few minutes without needing help to sort something out/advise of danger/help negotiations etc.

I would let them play upstairs, but maybe find something to do in another bedroom or bathroom, so that you can intervene quickly if necessary.

Deliberate weeing sounds very unpleasant - is this a regular thing from this kid, or did he not know where the loo is for example?

My 3.8yr old dd plays with friends upstairs, only in her room. I do check in regularly but can also hear what's going on up there easily from the sitting room. I like giving her the independence and showing I trust her. Having said that she's not a particularly wild child so I feel easy about allowing it.

Thanks for all your replies - very interesting.

For those of you who asked, the weeing thing was done by 2 different little boys so it's not just one wild friend. And both times it was definitely deliberate. They have been potty trained for over a year and know how to ask for the loo - also there were no wet trousers, they just pulled them down and went.

I'm pleased that some of you have a no upstairs rule, or supervise closely if they are upstairs. I felt like I was being uptight because I have some friends who will happily let a small group of 3 years olds roam around the whole house unsupervised while the mums drink tea downstairs (out of sight and out of earshot). It's nice to know I am not the only one who is unhappy about it.

Maybe I will have a no upstairs with friends rule for now, and review it in 6 months or so!

I did and got the baby monitor out as well as popping in every now and again.

Very amusing listening to them.

No, you aren't being uptight, they have proven they aren't able to be 'trusted' up there alone, so they play downstairs where you can keep an eye on them.

It varies a lot depending on the dc but 3 is on the young side, I have found. Dd is now 5 and is allowed upstairs if their are no more than 3 dc in total. We still have the odd and I do pop up now and then - especially if it is ominously quiet.

I have developed house rules over time. IIWY I would say no upstairs and review when you've watched their behaviour more.

I let them play upstairs, as do the mums we tend to socialise with. I shut some doors if I know a particular child (usually mine!) will head somewhere I don't want, but tbh mine are always breaking into my room so I have put most stuff out of reach anyway. Jumping on beds etc doesnt bother me, and if they trash the place I make sure they tidy it, I do not tidy it for them!

I think it does depend on the mix tho - children can bring out unexpected things in eachother and so I guess there is an element of trial and error!

But I would definitely be a little more cautious with a child I didnt know, until I had an idea of what they were capable of!

Mmm! In my experience 3 year olds go through a 'Naughty' phase.

Once DC's and friend covered every (and I mean every, floors bath, loo seat etc.) surface in cream.

Another time they made 'potions' out of all my lovely expensive 'pre children' cream etc to the tune of a few hundred pounds .

My mum says that aged 3 my friend and i covered a white carpet in our playroom with powdere green poster paint because we 'needed grass for our game'.

It's annoying (especially because my gloroiusly expensive SpaceNK, Harvey Nicks potions are unlikely to ever be replaced) but I just laughed it off (once I stopped crying) and filed it under 'Stuff to bring up at your 18th birthday party or wedding!'

depends on the 3yo!
DD and mate one's DD - yes
DD and mate two's DS - no

not a boy/girl thing, just the personalities involved. we've got a small house though, and if they even think about moving from DD's child proofed bedroom I'm up the stairs like a rat up a drainpipe

We had an expensive 'potion' episode too - involving perfumes and other lotions.

I have never had a problem with it (ds is 3) BUT recently he has had two playdates with friends where they have trashed the room and thrown toys down the stairs which makes me really cross!
I think some children really have no idea that this is unacceptable so when the two little darlings come again upstairs is going to be off limits.

Let them upstairs but only for short time and go up to check on what's going on. They are 4 now, but still potential to cause havoc!

Last time they were quite sweet and playing ghosts, but I prefer them to be downstairs where I am, can relax more! We don't have many toys upstairs so far so there's not that much incentive to go up.
Used to let 3 year olds up too, but often it wouldn't last that long before I'd get worried- our house is rather messy and not particularly child proofed (although have got a bit better recently) so I don't like them completely out of sight for too long.. DS is very imaginative/curious and can well imagine him playing some sort of wild adventurous game with all sorts...