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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

wanting/not wanting another baby

11 replies

oliveoil1 · 16/01/2011 21:19

don't know if I'm in the right topic?

I am 41 and have a gorgeous beautiful amazing and the rest of it 19 month old, he's brilliant and great fun most of the time, a good baby/toddler I think. I really need to get a move on if we're going to have a second baby, my partner wants one mainly for a sibling and so do I for a sibling, but the thought of it fills me with dread, the tiredness mostly and going through the pregnancy again - I was sick loads, and the birth and the first 6 months arghhh! but I want to want it as I know long term it will be so worth it and I might really regret it. Why do I feel like I'm the only person who finds the whole idea of another completely terrifying and exhausting...I feel like there's something wrong with me!

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latrucha · 16/01/2011 21:35

No, you're not alone.

Just bookmarking as I haven't got time to answer until tomorrow! But you're not alone.

Ellie5 · 16/01/2011 21:36

No there's not something wrong with you.

I had my first at 42 and tried to have a sibling..thats not going to happen now I'm nearly 46. But that's my story. It's entirely up to you if you do or don't have another child. Just don't regret your decision. It's entirely personal and no-one should judge you for any decision you make unless they've lived exactly your life and experiences and they haven't. Good luck do whatever you decide and don't look back :)

SmethwickBelle · 16/01/2011 21:43

Oh me too, I found it a very hard decision! It is a bit of a "feel the fear and do it anyway" thing I think. In my experience the pregnancy and first year of DS2's life was not much fun, sickness with a toddler - eep, just awful... then with the newborn, double the work and half the sleep, but I am heartened to see the two of them already enjoying rolling about together (alongside the whinges)...

Maybe set a date in to or three weeks time when you will throw away the contraception (Valentines Day even :o ). As the date draws near are you getting a little excited or are you feeling distressed? If the latter then give it some more thought.

Now you have experienced preg and babyness you will have a good idea what your fears are specifically so can at least plan carefully to avoid or manage them. In any case, pregnancy passes in a blur the second time I think, if you're distracted with a toddler.

NO WAY am I going for a third though... Although... maybe...

Good luck x

Tgger · 16/01/2011 22:19

Can you put it on hold, say for 3 months- just long enough for your toddler to grow up a tad more (they change so much each month at this age!) and for your fears maybe to settle/escalate/disappear .

Perhaps if you take the pressure off- ie decide definitely not even to think about it for 3 months then your feelings may clarify when you come back to it.

Good luck!

Threelittleducks · 16/01/2011 22:21

I just had one and I want another one. I can only describe it as very odd, as after ds1 I was very very against the idea for a very long time.
I am not a good pregnant. In fact my body slowly falls apart bit by bit.
But I have an urge. It's no good. No good at all.

KirstyAllsoap · 16/01/2011 23:50

I'm exactly the same. DC is 16 months and we ideally don't want them to be an only child, but I'm dreading the morning sickness and the hellish newborn stage again. (+ a toddler +potty training)

We will need fertility treatment (again) to conceive which is putting me off even more, BUT I'm just biting the bullet. I know it'll be the right decision in the end.

perfectstorm · 17/01/2011 05:18

I'm in your shoes. I have this biological urge, but I HATED pregnancy (severe morning sickness overlapping with horrendous SPD) and DS never slept more than 3 hours in 9 months. Still not great at sleeping through - can you tell, by posting time?! - at 2.

But I only have so long left. And part of me really wants another. It's just that these early months and years are so, so hard, and with 2 littlies... how do women with lots, close together, do it? Let alone multiples.

latrucha · 17/01/2011 12:13

I have two, a toddler of three and a baby of 6 months. I'm 37. DH does not want to wait too loong before trying for another, if we decide to. Emotionally, both DH and I want another. I cannot believe Ds may be my last baby. We'd really love a third.

Financially, it would mean a big squeeze and less help for the DCs later in life (university etc I feel strongly that they should have as much help as DH and I did. With three this might not be possible).

Physically, DH and I have found having two really hard. I had hyperemesis with my first, and bad sickness all the way through with my second. I don't think I can face 9 more months of that 'food poisoning' type feeling round the clock.

We have no help from family. This would make pregnancy and caring for the DCs even harder.

We struggle with sleep deprivation with two little ones.

I'm not sure I could put DD through another of my pregnancies, poor little mite.

I'm really not sure what to do right now, although the idea of not having another sort of lets me enjoy the ones I have more as there is less pressure int erms of time and the dread of pregnancy.

I wonder what we will do. Love the two I have though. And they're so pretty and sweet. I could eat them up. OH no... here I go again. Baby Baby Baby...

izpie · 17/01/2011 12:47

I was the same, even throughout the second pregnancy I would suddenly think 'what the hell am I doing?? I don't want another' etc etc, and here I am with dd2 6 weeks old, tired, constantly on the go, but in love again and very happy.

HappySeven · 17/01/2011 14:30

I had my second so that my first would have a sibling and can honestly say that it's been such a different experience I could be tempted to do it a 3rd time.

The pregnancy was hard but the birth and first 6 months were so different. I had far less sleep than with my first but my body seemed to cope so much better and I wasn't really tired. I always thought I wasn't a baby person but I now think I am and I used to think people who said they enjoyed those early months were lying but now I know they weren't. Oh and the time goes much quicker when you have another in tow so if you don't like it it will be over sooner!

I guess the thing is, would you always wonder "what if" if you didn't?

Original poster

oliveoil1 · 17/01/2011 20:51

thank you all so so much for your messages and thoughts, all really valuable.. Happy Seven yes thats the thing I think I would always wonder 'what if'! I think I should just give it a go and let fate decide because my sister tried for a second for 4 years and nothing happened so there is no saying I will have to do it all again after all..I think the thing is once we start to try it makes having just the one a bit negative like we will be aware of what we are lacking instead of thinking of him as our precious only one. He was a miracle for me, 39 and 10 years of wanting a baby, first boyfriend wanted to wait, then he turned out to be infertile then we split up, met someone else meanwhile started IVF on my own, convinced new man to go for it after 6 months together as my clock was ticking very loud and here we are.....so after wanting one so so much its strange to dread doing it again!! but yes like someone said I think its hold your breath and jump in and I/we will cope!
thank you

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