Need help with DS - 4.5 years

[rubyslippers]

DS is 4.5 years

Been in reception at school since September

Hs behaviour is a a mixed bag

He can be adorable, sweet and helpful

Or aggressive, naughty and tantrummy

He seems quick to anger - he does hit which we dont condone. Today, he was playing and out of nowhere he pushed DD (who is one) over

He had to apologise and kiss DD

If I ask him why he has been unkind he can't answer

I want to help him control his impulses to lash out and be angry

He is a really good kid and I love the very bones of him, but I think I am failing him

Hs teacher has told us his ability is excellent but his behaviour lets him down

Any advice on strategies would be hugely appreciated

TIA

Bump

Firstly i dont think you are failing him at all.
If you were failing him you wouldnt be here trying to find some answers.
you sound like a loving caring mum.
Im so sorry i dont have any answers for you, the only thing i can relate to this is when my DS was in nursary there was a little boy who sounds similar to your son and they had just diagnosed him as having ADHD.
But like i say i have no personal experience.
Is your health visitor any good? could you ask her advice? or your GP.
May be someone will be here shortly with some experience and advice.

have a look in the special needs section - there are other parents (including myself) with kids with behavioural problems

could he be jealous of his sister or has it always been a problem?

Thanks for posting

I was going to speak to our HV as she is pretty good

He has been speaking to the school counsellor and his behaviour improved but he hasn't seen her for a couple of weeks and there has been a down turn

He has been well behaved this morning

His behaviour changed when I had DD for sure although it seemed to have calmed down

He was in nursery and was very well behaved and more compliant - obviously smaller classes and more attention

Hadn't considered anything like ADHD - does it sound like that?

Considering ADHD sounds a bit extreme at the moment although you should take to any concerns that school has seriously.

Maybe he needs a little bit of help to understand and manage his emotions. If you can spot the very beginning of him getting angry you may be able to help him think through and label his feelings and give him strategies to manage them.

For example, if he starts to get irritated with his sister say "Oh DS she's messing up your puzzle. That's making you feel cross isn't it? You're a good boy for not shouting at her/pushing her/.... Let's move it onto the table where she can't reach it." That way he knows that you understand his needs, learns to recognise his emotions and finds out that there are better ways to deal with problems.

It's not a magic cure but it might help.

Alison - that all sounds very sensible and doable

School haven't mentioned any concerns re ADHD or anything out of the usual range of behaviour

Glad you think it might help. You do need to keep and eagle eye to spot things early on.

If you don't get there in time it's also helpful to talk things through afterwards when it's all calmed down, again acknowledging his feelings and thinking together of other strategies he could have used.

Good luck!

Thanks - we played a game tonight just me and him and we talked about the day and what he enjoyed doing and spent some nice time together

Will keep in mind your advice

Lenin - thank you for that link

Have had a skim read but am going to read it in more detail later

I have spoken to the school counsellor - she said he does open up to her. He is sad as DH is away a lot, he feels that "no-one plays with him" - DH is away a lot and he has always been close to him

When DHis away I try to give him more attention and time

However, we both work FT and evenings can be rushed. I try to get DD into bed first so I can spend some time with him

I asked him why he lashed out yesterday - he couldn't explain - he knows he shouldn't but the red mist seems to descend

He is incredibly verbal and articulate but cannot describe his emotions or what triggers his outbursts

He has been pretty good today - ate lunch really nicely and was lovely with DD

I have talked to his teacher as we had parents night last week

His ability is great - behaviour is a mixed bag

She doesn't think there is anything "wrong" and she and the TA are very good with him

We talked about positive re-inforcment, one to one time etc both and school and at home

The counsellor is going to spend some time with him one to one and in a group situation to try and encourage him to take turns and be more patient

maybe I need to delve a bit deeper and get to see a Paedeatrician ....

How are you managing this with your DS?

It sounds like you are having a bit of a time of it

Ruby my DS1 who is the same age as your DS has been going through a phase of seemingly being unable to control his behaviour when previously, whilst not being an angel was at least reasonably well-behaved.

Whilst not aggressive/angry, he just does very silly things randomly - when asked why, he always says 'his brain told him to do it' which I interpret as an impulse to do it that he can't yet override - does that make sense?

Having said that, he did have to go and see the headteacher last week for biting one of his friends (he has never been a biter so totally out of the blue!)

He does also hurt DS2 quite often but not in anger iyswim - they can be playing happily together and he just seems to have this urge to kick/hit out at him even though he has not been provoked.

Sorry - just random thoughts and no ideas how to deal with it as we are struggling too. One tactic that we do use with some success is having 2 cups, a 'good' one and a 'bad' one which have a few smarties in each one. If he does something really good, a smartie moves from the bad cup to the good cup and for bad behaviour, vice versa. Each night he gets to eat the smarties in the good cup...he seems to understand and the threat of losing a smartie does seem to have an immediate effect on his behaviour.

Thank you to ceebee and Lenin

Really appreciate you both taking the time to post

There is a lot to think about & am confused as to whether there is an underlying issue

A few things rung bells in that link you posted

I think will speak to the HV/GP and see what they think

Thanks again