Disciplining without bribes / threats ...

[sheeplikessleep]

DS1 is 3.3 and we've got to the point of every discipline being tied up with bribes / threats. For example, 'you can only watch tv once you've brushed your teeth', 'you can't have the car track out until you've tidied away your train set', 'stop teasing your brother or i will take xyz toy off of you', 'no books unless you get out of the bath' ... you get the idea .

when we don't have the bribe / threat, our demands fall on deaf ears.

any advice very much appreciated. thanks.

we've tried the 'mummy wants you to take your shoes off please' type approach. he just doesn't seem to respond unless there's something in it for him / taken off of him. god that sounds awful

also, he does get lots of positive praise when he does things too.

get a copy of 'How to Talk...' NOW

it's got great ideas for this sort of stuff (loads of threads on it too)

thanks notnow - i'll look into that. thanks

If you think about adult life it is much the same. You can have your pay packet if you come to work. I will be your friend if you are a good friend to me. You can stay out of prison if you don't break any rules. You can have a good figure if you watch what you eat and exercise regularly.
I do know what you mean but as long as it is not for buckets of sweets or loads of toys etc I think, to an extent, it is the way the world works, even if the reward is just that Mummy is happy with you!

it's improved my life, I can tell you...

Oooh notnowbernard that sounds a very useful book. Thanks from me too.

Like Carrots says bribing's not so bad.
It's sort of rewarding the 'good'.

yeah i guess carrotsandcelery - i'd just like sometimes ds1 to do things because i've asked him!

is this the one you mean Is that the right book notnowbernard?

and also, i'm concerned that as his speech improves, he'll start 'negotiating' back

It is not threat or bribes it is doing prioritisation at least the "you can only watch tv once you've brushed your teeth', 'you can't have the car track out until you've tidied away your train set' That normal and if he does that at 3.3 you are already lucky.
The 'no books unless you get out of the bath' is just teaching common sense.

'mummy wants you to take your shoes off please' type approach I have a friend who does that and then sit down on the floor and waits till her DS does it.
Last time I was there it took more than 20 min to put clothes on and only with the help of a third party who got fed up of waiting.
far too young at 3.3 to try that, unless you have a lot of patience and a lot of time.

You seem to be doing great.

I do know what you mean sheep - I feel it too. We just want them to be good for the sake of goodness. Hopefully the book will help.

mamaloco - it doesn't always work . guess that;s why i am seekign alternatives.

I have lowered my hopes with DD1 (now 6), I don't expect it to work before they reach 40 and by then they will tell me to go somewhere else
It does work sometime, not all the time. The times where it works I am happily surprised

It's not bribery, it's positive reinforcement

Try chaging language from "'mummy wants you to take your shoes off please'" (ie, doing you a favour) to "You need to take your shoes off" (making the action the child's responsibility IYSWIM). A small change, but it does work.

Also, give instruction (gently), don't ask. Don't give an opportunity for them to decline!

Yes, that's the Bible book

Agree with not saying "I need you to..." but instead giving basic instruction: "DS, Shoes on"

Children (esp little ones) respond better to direct information rather than nagging/negotiating/pleading etc etc

tether is right. It does work. If your DS is anything like my DD1 (DD2 not speaking yet), it will be followed by a "why?" Try to have a logical answer ready or you are doomed.
Be careful what is logical for a 3 yo might not be that obviously logical to a 30 or 40 yo, think at their level. Understanding "why" they have to do something is really important IME to make them do things.

Agree with the LO not having choices too. leave the choice for some other time. They do need to make choices during the day, but not wether they want to eat or get ready or... They can choose an apple or a banana, the bleu shoes or the wellies, take the long way or the short way...

really helpful hinters thank you. i'll try it when ds1 gets back from nursery :)