tramtrums.....last night made me cry

[MMG]

My liitle boy is 17months but very forward.

I had enough yesturday and decided to get tough. Tamtrums getting dressed, meal times, when i wont allow him to have something he wants but cant have etc... please tell me i`ve done the right thing.

When he is naughty or has a tamtrum Dad puts him on the naughty rug and he stays there till he stops crying, but i havnt been consistant untill yesturday so i did exactly that when he had a tantrum I put him on the rug and told him why he was there and that i wont pick him up till he stops crying. It was awful seeing him so upset and holding his arms out for me to come and get him, i was only 3 feet away but i insisted he stayed there till he calmed down. when he did then i gave him my attention again. This also happened at dinner time, i just bought him a new booster seat to sit at the table to eat but he screamed and cried becuase he did not want to sit there to eat even though he was hungry, we left him at the table screaming while we ate and after 5mins he calmed down and started to eat, this morning he got up onto the chair himself sat down and ate breakfast with out any trouble.

I am doing the right thing, i don`t want a unruly toddler, and yet when we are out or at someone elses house he is really good but at home he is bossy, stubborn and wants his own way all the time!

sorry its so long :-)

My 18mth DS is the same, he has some whopping tantrums (puclicly at times )...we have taken the view to just ignore the tantrums (in the same room) and eventually he settles down and sees he won't get his own way by screaming...he was exactly the same about his booster seat at first too BTW! We also make sure we praise him when he behaves well and give him lots of cuddles...hopefully he'll soon stop pushing the boundaries and settle down!

I think he might be too young for a naughty space. He's too young to expect him to control his emotions. My 4yo still struggles with that.

I agree FZ, we have no naughty step/mat, I think this would just confuse the issue

what should i do? Should i ignore the tantrum and walk away? should i leave him at the table crying?
his resistance was getting onto the booster seat.

But he was Ok this morning at the booster seat? I'd leave where he is crying..it does seem harsh, but if he doesn't settle after 5mins or so then reassess...my DS is slowly (painfully) learning that he won't get his own way by "chucking a strop" but that doesn't stop him trying

RE: Booster seat ...We tried sitting next to him and talking to him gently about how nice the seat was and how grown up he was sitting next to us...now he refuses a high chair!

Um, actually I don't agree, I do think that if mmg's ds is very bright then sitting on the naughty rug will help. I just wouldn't refer to it as the naughty rug just yet. However he is old enough to learn that tantrums = ignore and good behaviour = attention, and by using the rug you are helping to enforce that.

You're right, it is horrible to see them so upset, but if you are consistent you will almost certainly see the tantrums stop.

I know I am out of step with many parents on this issue, but I did this with my dds at this age and have never had any tantrum problems which I believe is as a result of our actions.

He does know he goes to the rug when he is naughty/having a tramtrum as that is what i want to teach him......

tantrums = ignore
good behaviour = attention

Dad has being doing that for a while but i have been picking him up, then he stops crying but i need to stop doing that as i`m teaching him the wrong way.

I agree with MTF - My DD (20months) has been sitting on the naughty stair when having a paddy for about 3 months (only for a minute maximum I might add) but just until she calms down and I do sit with her looking the other way. It def works for us as when she starts to do something naughty I say no or do you want to sit on the stairs and she always says no and (sometimes) stops - if not I always follow it up with a session on the stairs!
I'm having nightmares myself at the mo with refusing to eat full stop!

Consistent is important. Picking him up off the naughty rug will confuse him. Dont they say 1 min for how old they are. So 1.5 mins for ds.
I personally dont have a naughty step/chair/rug yet, my dd is 2.5.
But when she is having a strop I do ignore her & she seems to come out of it very quickly. But each individual child is different, my ds (now 8) had tantrums that lasted alot longer.

It is good that he behaves in public so lots of praise for situations like that. feeling comfortable at home is why he's bossy & wanting his own way. But just one word replies & leave it at that when they are stropping, because any more is a reaction what they want.

Its a hard slog but it will pay off.

i know its going to be tough but i`ve started and now i have to see it through as confusing him will make things worse

thanks for all your replies

Hi hope you don't think I am stalking you DS is 2.4yrs and quite bright too, certainly understood his actions got a reaction and was testing us from very early. My HV did say that if a child is displaying the behaviours then use what ever discipline method that's appropriate for the behaviour - DS slapped me round the face when I refused to let him explore the shelves in a shop, he was 12mths old so from then on we had a naughty corner - and where ever we go there is a naughty corner somewhere that he can be put in if needs be.

I feel that you are doing the right thing. As you've said being consistant is important - I am useless at this. It does make things hard for a little while, as the new boundaries are got used to, for you and them, but it does get better. I think the other thing that I have read on here that is really good advice is pick your boundaries and fights that are worth having and let the rest go. Otherwise you are always saying No!! I did and do still explain why he mustn't do something or if we need to stop what we're doing and go somewhere if I promise we can come back and carry on, I'll make sure we do.

Take care and fingers crossed for dinner tonight
H x

I think if your child is pushing the boundaries at this age you do need to show him a consequence to undesirable behaviour - we had challenges with DD1 from about 15 months and she would scream to get her own way eben when it was unsafe etc. We used to take her away from whatever she way doing and tell her to calm down and ignore her until she did (a modification of your naughty rug technique) - in the end she learnt to switch off this behaviour pretty quickly.

My experience with 2 very different kids is that some push you much harder than others and some at an early age need this kind of discipline. Only you really know your child - so if you have found a technique that works stick with it. Good luck

agree with mtf, jm, ml. But you MUST be consistent, otherwise you are teaching them that all they need to do to get their way is to throw a BIGGER tantrum - because at some point, eventually mummy will (or might) give in. That does not help them or you

If it distresses you, then leave the room or have your "time out" area in another room where your child is safe, but you don't have to be too close to their upsets. Also deal with it without showing that you are upset

I agree with picking your battles though, and although you need to be consistent with your timeout, there will be times when you can quite successfully distract them before a melt down or other bad behaviour occurs, to avoid having to use timeout. for example, when ds doesn't want to go to bed, we "race him" there, or let him ride on "mummy horse" (mummy on crawling with ds on my back like a horse) - this distracts him and he has fun joining in and he forgets his objections and is soon doing what we want without even complaining.

I have also found that confirming that you understand what the child wants helps (because they get frustrated at their inability to communicate). So if we are leaving the swiming pool and ds gets sad, I say "I know that you want to swim some more, but it is time to go. We will come back again soon". This has had AMAZING results. I am not debating with him or anything, but am saying that I understand what he wants (even though he is not going to get it).

Another thing that really works for us is giving them a choice (as in, "you can either sit in your booster chair, or you can go to time out"). they mostly (but not always choose to do the thing you want them to do = but sometimes they choose timeout, and if they do, then at least they know they have a choice and they must live with the consequences of their behaviour). After they've done time out, offer them the choice again, and they might choose more wisely. Also, I find that other types of choices also make them feel empowered. For example, if they don't want to put their pajamas on, then I might let them choose which pajamas they want to wear (but they get the message that they cannot choose whether or not to wear pajamas - just which ones they want to wear). This also makes them feel empowered.

The most important thing is consistency, though

Good luck!!

Great Advise KiwiKate.
I learnt about the "offer of choice" on my parent coarse. It worked with my ds (8yo). Sometimes its just remembering at the time. I had forgotton "that one" myself, as sometimes when you are really wound up your head goes blank.
I must keep reading through my parent book.
Wished Id remembered the pther day when I was having a bad morning with ds.
thanks for the reminder