Extended family - confusing for child?

[Caththerese1973]

I am a single mum - split up from dp about six months ago. My dd is 2.7. I get lonely of course, and tired, and probably spend one or two nights a week at my parents' place (where my brother also lives).
As a consequence, my dd is perhaps more attached than usual to her extended family. She often asks to go to granny's. I'm a bit worried about her being so attached to her extended family inasmuch as I may have to at some point because of my job prospects. Also, I sometimes wonder if it isn't a bit confusing for her to be chopping and changing from my place to mum's place (I am always staying at Mum's with her, though - I'm always on the scene).
I wonder if I should maybe break away from my own family a bit more and establish a more separate atmosphere for my dd and myself. It's hard, because she is an only child and not in daycare, so doesn't get to see other kids, or indeed other people, very often if I don't go to see my parents. And she is very social, loves to have 'friends' around (she sometimes says: 'mummy, there's no friends at our place!).
I guess what I am anxious about is that her growing up process is taking place in a less conventional environment - with more emphasis on the extended family than is average. It wouldn't be a problem, I think, if strong extended family relationships were the norm in our culture (I'm Australian) but as it stands they're not.
What do others think. Should I try to 'conventionalise' the atmosphere a bit more? I do want her to feel stable and like she has a proper home. At the same time, I don't see how having extra people to love her can do her any harm.
Another issue is that my family is not a 'model' family - there are a lot of problems, albeit not of the kind that a two year old would notice. I suppose I am sometimes afraid of my mother 'taking over' my child. But it's so damned hard being alone ALL the time!
What do others think?

I think she and you are very lucky to have a loving and helpful extended family, it can only enrich your daughter's life.

Do you know the phrase "looking a gift horse in the mouth"?

(I don't wish to be harsh but I live with my MIL and the kids love it)

Huh? I grew up in a 'extended family' and it was the BEST thing that ever happened to me. Ever. In many parts of the world, extended family ARE what is considered a family, and I for one think Westerners are the sadder that this is not the case here.

Growing up, sometimes you don't want to talk to your mum or dad about certain things, and it was SO lovely to have a network of cousins, aunts, great aunts and other relatives to talk to who cared about me so much. Better than friends, even.

Your DD is SO lucky to have grandparents like hers around - so many on this board have parents who want nothing to do w/their grandkids. There was even a thread about it recently.

I think it's great that your family are so supportive - my mother wouldn't even consider the idea of helping me out looking after dd.

The fact that your family isn't a "model" one shouldn't make any difference - no-one is perfect, and no family is perfect, and if the problems aren't affecting your dd then they're not really problems at all.

I think your last paragraph speaks volumes - that you are afraid of your mother "taking over" your dd; I may be wildly off the mark here but it seems to me that this is what's worrying you. Perhaps now is the time to set some ground rules with your mother, to make sure that she treats you as an adult, and follows your lead and your guidlelines when looking after your dd.

I agree with WWB

Your situation is exactly the same my sisters situation. The only words of caution I have it to:

1. make sure that you set the ground rules, and that they are the same when you are at your house, or your mother's house. There can't be different rules for different environments, as this may not have problems now, but will when your daughter is 4/5.

2. you need to talk to you mum and make sure she understands and sticks to the boundaries, and knows that "you're the mum"

I know these two things sound awful, but in our family, the lack of these two things have made it very difficult for the 5 yr old in question.

"It wouldn't be a problem, I think, if strong extended family relationships were the norm in our culture (I'm Australian) but as it stands they're not."

but does it matter that extended family relationship aren't the 'norm' - I personally think they're fantastic. I don't have one on my side fo the family - but DH's cultural background is one where extended families play a massive roll.

Just do as the others have said - set the ground rules early - and enjoy it

Agree with everyone else - every family has issues and problems so as long as your dd is happy and you know she is not in an unsafe environment, then the extended family sounds fine to me. Whether you want to establish more independence for yourself is another issue altogether.

I think it's great for kids to have strong relationships with the extended family. Try not to think about culture etc. - unless the extended family is in any way damaging to the child I really think it ought to be encouraged. I really try to make my dss remember all their cousins, aunts and uncles etc and they look forward to seeing them.

But at the same time I try to make it fun for them when they're just with me so they don't feel they're missing out on anything. As long as the extended family isn't an escape or a substitute for the immediate family there shouldn't be any negative consequences.

Although it's great having supportive extended family I think it's also important to develop your own personal and private relationship with your kids as well.

I think it can only be a positive thing to have an extended family around. If/when you move away there are lots of ways of keeping in touch. I think it's also a chance to learn that things in life don't remain constant, but that change in itself can be good and fun, also it can encourage your child to become more adaptable.

she,s old enough to start playgroup sessions locally a few times a week give her opportuity to mix with other toddlers too

I grew up living with my parents and having half my extended family living in the same road as me. I'd call it an idyllic childhood, and I often look back on it with fond memories. Now I only live within 5 mins of my mum / family and have no intention of moving much further away. I think its sad that people don't seem to have that with their families. If you've got it, make the most of it, I'd say!