Tips on dealing with DD and puberty without it all descending into big shouting matches

[chicaguapa]

DD(9) appears to be starting puberty. I know it's quite young, but I'm sure she is entering the early stages as she's getting puppy fat and suffering from mood swings. Not a day goes by without her stomping up the stairs and slamming the door to her bedroom, either in tears or shouting something along the lines of "No-one cares about me, everyone hates me!"

So I'm looking for tips really. No doubt I can buy a book, which I'll probably look for anyway, but I'm hoping that there will be some fine words of wisdom out there on how to deal with/ help the mood swings/ tantrums without us all ending up screaming at each other. Thanks.

I'm joining this thread as I have a 9yr old who is exactly the same.

EEk! DD1 is 9 and has always had a temper like this... I have been dreading puberty since she was a toddler... Don't tell me it might start this year! :-O

Puberty is starting earlier these days. Something to do with better nutrition I think.

Be consistent. Be fair. Breathe. Dont take it personally.

Through some quick googling, I've seen that the average age for starting puberty is 9y 10m! DD has always had a temper and I'm not convinced that she ever grew out of tantrums, but there's been more negative emotion going on lately, and it just comes out of nowhere.

I don't suppose there's a great deal to do that would make it easy for child or parent, but I'm living in hope. Let's hope some magic comes along!

I am not sure (just starting on the same rollercoaster, too) but I do kind of think its a good idea to grab lots of friendly cuddles and chats when your dd is amenable to make up for the rougher times in between .

Fr'instance, this morning, dd was quite happy to cuddle up to me under the duvet on the sofa when we first got up. Later on she was worrying about something so I gave her my full attention, lots of hand-holding and reassuring comments. I am aware that the chances for being physically close and her thinking I am the best thing since sliced bread are already beginning to dwindle .

It is tough when they start so early. What helped with my DD's who are now both 13 & 16 (and coming out the other side thankfully) was talking about it.

We bought a book "Growing Up: It's a Girl Thing" which we read together. Helped me remember everything without bombarding them with info and reading a book together seemed to be less emotional IYSWIM - much needed with girls as they head into and during puberty.

And try to remember what it was like for you (though oldest DD did point out the other day to me that things were a lot different when I was her age - I didn't think so ).

here is a good book - and the best bit of advice in it was DON'T GET INTO SHOUTING MATCHES!

Good luck!

My adolescence was full of woe and door slamming, which is why I'm full of so much dread! I've spoken to her about what changes she'll be going through etc and have no problems with being open and communicative with her. I think she's going to struggle a great deal as although she's a very bright girl and can understand about hormonal and physiological changes, emotionally she's quite immature and that's what she's going to find hard.

I'll have a look at the books and have already taken on board the advice to get as many cuddles as I can when she's in a good mood. Hopefully that'll maintain the good relationship we have and reassure her in the meantime. We have joked that one day she'll say she hates me, but she can't understand why she'd ever say that and got a little bit upset that she might feel that way. I just told her that I'd know she didn't really mean it as I used to say that to my parents too.

I'm glad to have found this thread- DD is 9 and hates me. But that is because I am the worst mother in the world and am so unfair.

:( Blooming puberty.

I will take on board the tip about cuddles as I do try but will try even harder.

Definitely what bibbitybobbityhat says. Make the time when things are going well. Our DD has always loved just going for a coffee / for lunch with just me ( she is now 13) and just chatting.

DD was much harder when she was 9/10 than she is now, all tearful and raging, then needing lots of reassurance. She would cry and say she had no idea why she was crying. In fact, once her periods actually began, she well and truly mellowed!

My dd is 10 next week and we have spent the last 4 months screaming at each other. We have a very close and loving relationship, on the whole, but she has started pushing my buttons beyond reason of late.

I love my girl and she says she loves me. She never says she hates me, but she does rant about just about everything. She knows best. She's right. I'm often spoken to like pooh on the bottom of her shoe then she accuses me of doing likewise.

She made a New Years Resolution at school, so her friend said, to not argue with me so much. How sweet is that? But it hasn't lasted long and she's back to being stroppy chops again!

I'm waiting to see if any advice on here will help us!

Late coming back to this but I repeat - STOP THE SHOUTING (and screaming!)

What I learnt was that DD couldn't always control the screaming, but I had to. Often she would scream something horrible that made me feel like the proverbial shit on a shoe, then storm out and stomp up the stairs. But then I notice she'd stop half way up, waiting for me to retaliate. When I didn't, she'd strop to her bedroom and slam the door.

I might be shaking, crying, despairing, but at least the yelling was over. I'd try to talk to her when we'd both calmed down. I'm not saying this is the magic answer - but it did improve our relationship.

Another tip - (and I've said this before) Now means NOW. Not in a minute or later, but now! I explained to DD it would mean less nagging and bad feeling and after a few battles it worked.

I wonder how much of it comes from our own feelings about DDs growing up etc? I feel quite sad that DD is starting on that next step in her development and that maybe the days of her being a little girl are soon to be long gone. Probably a tad overdramatic as I know it's still years off, but it does make me feel a bit sad.

Will take on board the SHOUTING advice! DD's negativity already is what really gets my goat. Everything is woe woe, drama, drama. When you think of what some other poor little children go through in their lives, DD has a pretty good one. I'm going to get her to write one positive thing everyday to try and refocus her.

Oh chica, she'll always be your little girl.

That's what's confusing for her right now - she wants to rebel but she knows she still needs cuddles and reassurance, which (good on you) you're more than willing to give her.

I guarantee in a few years time she'll apologise sheepishly for being such a brat and thank you for putting up with her

I'm going to give the Growing Up book a miss for now as there seems slightly TMI in there which I think will just bombard her with information which she doesn't need at this stage. I've just explained what the physical changes will be; breasts, pubic hair and sweating, without mentioning periods yet. She knows she can ask me questions if there's anything she wants to know.

I've told DH I'll deal with this one, but he'll have to deal with DS, who thankfully is only 6 and still quite a few years off. At least I've been through female puberty, but boys would just mystify me.

Is being negative about most everything a sign of approaching puberty?

DD is currently in a whinge-whinge-whinge and moan-moan-moan, and complain-complain-complain-some-more phase.

It is hard to ignore, impossible to rationalise, and puts me in a foul mood. I hope it is only a phase.

I don't know Earlybird, but DD has turned into a stroppy misery guts. She's usually like this when she's had a few late nights, but she's like it a lot of the time recently.

Though I can report a positive change in her mood since I've been making an effort to be more attentive etc. Not that I ignore or anything, but she's a very independent missy and doesn't get a lot of attention when she's just drifting around the house doing her own thing. So I've made sure to go into her room and just talk to her about what she's doing etc. She's responded very well to the extra (positive) attention.

Good strategy to be more attentive, I think. The irony is, when they're stroppy/demanding, it is natural to steer clear just for a bit of peace!

DD is an only, so she gets lots of attention - maybe too much.

I think sometimes dd is simply 'trying out' what she's heard on telly (Disney Channel - urgh!) or from friends - or possibly simply learning about moods and how to manage them. I find that if I pull her up sharpish (letting her know she's crossed a line), she apologises immediately.

I told her the other day that she seemed to be in a quite negative frame of mind, with a lot of moaning. I think she thought about that, and has been more 'herself' lately. Maybe part of the process is simply telling them when their behaviour is too self-indulgent and inconsiderate.