Anxiety in 4 year old - ignore or indulge?

[Eviz]

Hi, haven't posted here for ages, really hoping for some advice.

DD is 4, born late July, started school in September. She has been clingy and sensitive since birth. It's starting to dawn on me that my brusque/no-nonsense approach might be making things worse. She's showing some traits which make me think she might be anxious:

• complains of tummy hurting, regularly, but especially in high-stress/difficult situations (getting ready for school, doing something she doesn't want to do, going to bed). Took her to the docs about this last year but given the all clear

• started obsessing about healthy eating (not led by me) and will burst into tears if I don't explain the relative healthiness of everything on her plate

• is starting to show separation anxiety - happy one minutes, clinging to me, screaming and sobbing the next (when asked later about the incident she sobs 'I just wanted something healthy to eat')

• bouts of hyper-sensitivity at home, bursts into tears at slightest provocation (she has a 2yo sister), lots of wilful behaviour

Part of me thinks normal 4 yo behaviour, just started school, v young etc. I'm trying to be more receptive to her sensitivities and be ultra-fair in dealings between her and her sister.

However, my big question is whether I'm I am making things worse by taking her to after-school clubs. She does gymnastics for 1.5 hrs at the weekend and an hour during the week, and is about to restart swimming lessons (30 mins) once a week. Sometimes she skips in to these classes as happy as larry, but on some occasions she has been in such a meltdown she refuses to go in (and of course I won't force her). I'm perplexed because it's not consistent or logical - she had a meltdown this week going into gym, the teacher prised her off me, screaming, but within 5 mins she was running round like she owned the place, big smile on her face.

I am just uncertain whether to cancel all these extra activities or whether to press on, despite the meltdowns, and focus on the fact that she largely seems to be enjoying what she does.

Thanks for reading, if you've got this far! Any advice appreciated.

I wonder if it's worth trying the lovebombing approach?

Oliver James is writing about it. I've copied his summary:

A: I do briefly describe in my present book a fab solution to this, which is going to be the title of my next book: 'Love Bombing'. In essence, this is what you do:

Take the child away from the rest of the family for a weekend, two nights.
Tell the child repeatedly that you love them, making sure to hug them and look them in the eyes for long periods.
Sleep with them in your bed at nights, during the day tell them that this is their special time and that you will do whatever they want.
On return to normal life, create a 30 minute slot each evening with a label they have chosen, like ?mummy time?, in which you repeat the same formula in condensed form.
Incredible though it may seem, when I did this with mothers (for the This Morning programme) it solved all manner of problems. Often sibling rivalry is the cause of the bad behaviour. Sometimes it is that the 7 year old did not feel its needs were met under three, perhaps because the mum was depressed then or because substitute care was not sufficiently responsive and one-on-one. Whilst you obviously need to set clear boundaries and both you and your partner stick to them, Love Bombing is much better than naughty steps etc, although that kind of time out is preferable to resorting to hitting - which all of us have felt like doing - God knows they can push your buttons.

Give Love Bombing a try and let me know how it goes - you can contact me via my website, oliver-james-books.com

Is there anything else that could be causing the anxiety do you think or is it just her nature? My ds can be a little sensitive sometimes and I have not pushed clubs and things because I think he is happiest just pottering with me or meeting up with friends now and then. He goes swimming but it can be a drama getting him there sometimes and I have toyed with stopping it. At 4 they are still tiny so I don't think clubs are essential at that age so I'm not bothered if my ds is doing fewer structured activities than his friends. I'd rather he developed an interest in things himself tbh.

He's specifically addressing tantrums in this response to a question but apparently the technique is very effective with anxiety. Essentially you are rebooting the bonding as if they were a newborn, giving them the chance to complete major developmental challenges again.

I know exactly how you feel. My 5yr old is the same and her behaviour has started purely since starting school. She is the same with school and other activities such as dance class, will sometimes go in no problem and other times clinging to me as if she would never see me again, having to be prised off. I try to be consistant - one time at rainbows I stood outside and listened to her howling for almost ten minutes (heart wrenching) but when I went it at the end of the session she was happy as larry.

Think we just need to stick at it.

I reckon Lovebombing (great name!) would be a huge help. I have to admit the 2yo is very trying and volatile - and if it's exasperating for the parents, it must be hell on wheels being the older sister.

There is increasing competitiveness towards her younger sister, and some controlling behaviour emerging (You're naughty. You have to do X. I'm in charge etc.) Some behaviour learned from school, I guess (lots of 'if you don't do X you can't come to my party/won't be my friend anymore).

The other thing I've noticed is the start of a real division of preference for me/DP. DD1 is hugely pro-me, DD2 pro-daddy. For instance, DD2 decided to sit on DP's lap at dinner time yesterday, DD1 immediately sat on mine (not usual behaviour!) and fawned over me saying I was the best mummy, how much she loved me, etc. I'm not sure it's altogether healthy behaviour??

sludge it's hard to know what's best, isn't it? I only took her to gymnastics because I felt guilty for never having taken her to anything, and shortly after she was invited to join the group which picks out kids who have potential. She loves gymnastics and I think we should support her as long as she enjoys it. I know I was very sensitive as a child but remember being desperate for support/encouragement rather than acceptance of my not wanting to do something due to shyness, if that makes sense?

Yes it sounds like a revolutionary method for all sorts of issues which often start with the trauma of a sibling arriving. I don't feel you've done anything wrong btw. I would do exactly the same thing! I suppose it can only work to ignore anxiety for some children but instinctively we don't want to feed it.

I was the same as a kid. Always in my parents company. Put into Majorettes and Brownies and cried my eyes out. Eventually didn't go to anything. Thats why I keep pushing my DD. She does enjoy it when she gets into in and letting her pull out of things at a whim can be more damaging in the longrun I feel (speaking from experience). The classes have built up her confidence though not as much as other kids. I was surprised when I took her to a kids Zumba class as normally the first few weeks she will watch and cling (wants to know what she is doing 100% before she will join in so normally go through what she has done in class afterwards with praise) but she just went running in. Only time the Zumba has been a problem is when she had her dad with us one day and she wanted to cling again (afraid she was missing something).

hello. i signed on tonight for the first time as my sister advised me that it might help. My 4 yr old is showing all the same anxieties that you have descibed. i returned to work full time in June, and now she goes to a child minder 2 days a week(tues weds) nanny an grandad have her mon and fri and I have thursdays. On Monday night she woke at 3am and started crying at the thought of going to childminder. She sits in the mornung curled on the sofa with tears appearing in her eyes and falling down her cheeks. When she's there and busy she's fine, but during the quiet time, tears well up. shes an only child and I thought that she'd really enjoy the company of other children. Im at my wits end as its breaking my heart. The food control is also something that is concerning me and funny enough she's only choosing the fruit and veg to eat! She also appears to be quite anti males at the moment(except daddy and grandad) ive tried reward charts and special treats but nothing stops the heart felt sobs. She is at preschool doesnt start big school until Sept. Any help would be greatful

It's hard not to let your own childhood impact your parenting style. I have a very short attention span as an adult and am sure this path was set in childhood - I wish I'd had more support and encouragement to see something through. I wonder whether 'determination' is genetic or a learnt characteristic..

I guess I'm also hoping that she'll come to realise that if she gets past the meltdown stage it's worth persevering, cos she actually has, you know.. fun!

Then again, other days I just want to wrap her in cotton wool and home school and feel like a heinous mother for dragging her to the swimming baths after school!

Hi Crystal,

I'm trying now to be much more explicit about what's going to happen and when. I know it sounds crazy, but I've realised that I don't often take time to explain and reinforce what we're doing, who she'll be collected by - I thought by leaving it to the last minute to tell her she'd have less time to dwell on it and fret. This week, for example, I've reminded her a few times that it's X's birthday party on Sat, I've involved her in what present to buy, and we've talked about what she could wear. Previously I probably wouldn't have mentioned it until the Friday night/Sat morning.

Also, depending on the sort of person you are (I am quite reserved) if she realises you're upset or worried about her, it might make her worse. I tend to be very stiff-upper-lip about her emotional outbursts (then come on MN and blub instead!)

i'm reading this will the benefit of hindsight, i think. my ds is now 11, totally sociable, no obvious anxieties, well adjusted, confident etc.

When he was little he was very tricky, didn't want to be with me but didn't want to be away from me either. Easily frustrated and angry and tearful. So at mum & toddler groups he would rarely go off and play, but cling round me complaining (oh and go into a corner and do poos in his pants well into his 3rd year!). he was always really bright, active, easily engaged etc but very stressed about things he didn't want to do. anyway, i pushed through fairly relentlessly as my mum had always given in to me and my behaviour (which i knew as i was doing it was fairly manipulative, but only because i passionately wanted whatever it was to happen/not happen).

Now when I ask him about the things that stressed him (and me) out, he generally doesn't remember them at all. And if i display any guilt or worry about how he's feeling, he reassures me brilliantly! today he had to get up early to sit an entrance exam, the second in 3 days, and when i picked him up i was really anxious. i said - i feel a bit weird.i'm either hungry or worried about you - and he said, pointing to his unwanted post-exam snack - well - i'm fine, and eat that sandwich!

what a star.

in summary, i advocate continuing with classes if they are happy once they get in there, but stopping if they hate it the whole lesson long.

phew.

Hi eviz. Ive tried being caring, loving, hard, soft and wrongly i know, ive even burst into tears! I wish i could go back to work p/time, but thats not an option. Im so worried that my actons will effect her now, for later in life. She almost seems traumatised or depressed???

I didnt say in that v long post that we had the same thing with swimming lessons, gym lessons, holiday clubs (he had to go because i had to work, but would cry beforehand ,then love it from the moment he walked in the door).

anyway, eviz, your point about explaining clearly and in advance is brilliant. i did exactly what you said - never mentioned anything until the morning of the event, usually, with the aim of reducing the stress. but actually that's not helpful, and some advance notice and reassurance and planning is much much better.

Judy, thanks for your lovely post (it's all in the name!) So helpful to get perspective from someone who has been there, done that.

My parents style was very brusque (still is) and little tolerance/understanding of how to deal with emotion. My mum seems to think any acknowledgement of emotion is to 'give in' to a 'manipulative' child, and when DD1 cried in front of grandpa over the holidays, his mock-sympathetic reaction was 'ohh, boo-hoo'

It dawned on me they probably parented me in the same way. Not sure I want to repeat the process!

Crystal, it's really hard to know what to do. I am sure you haven't scarred your DD, and she will have to learn that some things in life are inevitable (childcare, school) but hopefully you can help her to manage the change in emotion these things bring about in her, by being consistent, not over-emotional when she's upset, and loving and giving when you do spend time together.

But hey, I'm posting for advice on how to manage it too - perhaps you should listen to someone else! Shame children don't come with a (continually updated) manual, I reckon..

Hi Eviz, you sound really nice, and you sound like you are kind of answering your own question.

also sounds like you are thinking hard about her and making careful observations.

I like what you said below:

"I'm trying now to be much more explicit about what's going to happen and when. I know it sounds crazy, but I've realised that I don't often take time to explain and reinforce what we're doing, who she'll be collected by - I thought by leaving it to the last minute to tell her she'd have less time to dwell on it and fret. This week, for example, I've reminded her a few times that it's X's birthday party on Sat, I've involved her in what present to buy, and we've talked about what she could wear. Previously I probably wouldn't have mentioned it until the Friday night/Sat morning."

the lovebombing thing sounds a bit like advertising a book to me but I guess it's basically saying that organised activities are no substitute for genuine attention from you. If you have to choose between "hanging out" time and gym, I'd pick the hanging out time. For every child who regrets not having had violin/gym/karate lessons, there's another one who wishes their parent had just mooched about with them (preferably without the sibling sometimes).

Eviz, there is a book called Overcoming your child's fears and worries which might help. I got it as I have a DS who is 3 at the moment but I can see becoming an anxious child and wanted to nip a few things in the bud if I could. But it is really aimed at slightly older children like yours. It has practical advice and gives you step by step stuff to take you through it. It involves different ways of talking to your child about things to help them through.

I agree with lingle about dropping the classes or at least the after-school ones. Four is very young to cope with all that activity, especially when she is getting used to school (which is a huge shock to the system). My DD - sensitive, easily tired, late-summer-born - couldn't have coped with anything after school in reception though other children seemed fine with that.

Thanks everyone for your messages. Bondgirl, I'll definitely order that book.

We had lots of quality girlie time this weekend (she had a day where she was 'in charge' of what we did), and her delight was obvious. My mum thought it was terrible, of course!

I'll keep you updated..