loosing control and need your help x

[rdmommy]

I always lurk the behaviour thread and usually get what i need from current/past posts, however this time its urgent and i need help!

my 19 month old dd2 has turned demonic and is slowly turning my nearly 3 dd1!

I find it hard to discipline her, she's lovely, cute but very independent very domineering and she is incredibly difficult to discipline because she just refuses to be punished.

i have started the naughty step and it working to an extent, she went on it today ALOT.

Problem is i am trying to show her the way- for example we went to playgroup today and she wanted a drink from a plastic cup like her sister, I gave her one and told her sit next to me and drink it, she wouldn't so i warned her if she didn't sit next me and drink it then it would go in the bin and basically it went into the bin, cue the biggest tantrum ever- smacking her face off the floor etc, i moved her onto the safe carpeted bit when she proceeded to carpet burn her nose. i let her ride it on and then she sat on my lap and all was fine until dd1 asked for another juice and so we went for round two!!!

thing is it is over everything, for example, not standing on the toilet when i'm in the shower and turning the taps on, not throwing in the house, not clinging to my legs while cooking, not jumping on the sofa in the lounge, not using anythiong and everything to climb up to get biscuits out the cupboard and the constant more more more where she is now actually pulling my hand to get me to get her things.

I feel exhausted and drained, i feel like the mothers at playgroup thought i was crap for not trying to cuddle her better, but she lashes out so it is better for everyone if she is left alone.

She woke in the night the other night and was awake for 6hours she is so draining.

Please help me xx

I'm dashing off in a sec so can't really offer advice right now, but something struck me. Nothing she's doing (and which my daughter who is just over 2 does strikes me as 'demonic'.

The only thing on that list that I would take issue with is throwing things. And then it depends what and how she is throwing it.

Is she aggressive towards others?

But I lean to the UP end of the discipline spectrum so really may not be the best person to answer this. But I thought I'd offer my perspective.

Distraction? Turning things into a game? I think small (and old children) shut off when that hectoring tone comes on so you need to find another way.

Very best of luck.

its not so much the actions it her response to NO and also being guided, for example i don't want to hurt her when coking, so i took her into the playroom where she could still see me and hear and said mommy is cooking can you stay in here and play with your sister, by the 11th time of guiding her back in she had the most almighty tantrum and threw herself against the oven, its things like that!!! thanks for your advice though, i don't shout, used to until dd1 started shouting back at so didn't seem worthwhile, i use the supernanny voice!

I would try to cut down on the number of occasions where you have to tell her what to do and then wait for her to disobey, also on the number of No's; it is more effective if less frequent. To give examples:

"she wanted a drink from a plastic cup like her sister, I gave her one and told her sit next to me and drink it, she wouldn't so i warned her if she didn't sit next me and drink it then it would go in the bin and basically it went into the bin"- if I thought this would be a problem, I would simply pull her down with me the moment I gave her the drink and chat to her or tell her a story to distract her attention. I used to travel a lot on public transport when dcs were little and I would always start an interesting conversation just before the bus was due, to make sure I could hold their attention during the journey

"not standing on the toilet when i'm in the shower and turning the taps on"

"not throwing in the house"- I wouldn't warn her too much beforehand, just take away any objects that are thrown; some children are just made so that if you make a threat they have to challenge it

"not clinging to my legs while cooking"- I'd make sure she had some plastic utensils and a wooden spoon to do her own cooking on the floor

"not jumping on the sofa in the lounge"- not sure about this tbh, could be difficult to police if this is her playroom where you leave her unattended; if you are there with her, just lift her down

"not using anythiong and everything to climb up to get biscuits out the cupboard"- lock the biscuits up

"and the constant more more more where she is now actually pulling my hand to get me to get her things"- annoying, but can you ignore?

There will be times when you have to be cross with her, and times when you have to say No, but 19mo is very young and they shouldn't be too frequent really

Does your dd2 getmuch of your time? She is young but wonderig if this attention seeking
Can you devote 15 mins a aday to her playing what she wants?
My dd2 is only 7 months so prob will be in your shoes very soon!

I would use distraction and praise as far as possible and try to pick my battles carefully. That should cut down the number of confrontations to the minimum.

Then when you need to get the message across you need to be very consistent. It sounds like you are following through with what you say and that's really important because she needs to find out that screaming and tantruming do not change your mind.

You are giving her a lot of responsibility to monitor her own behaviour and perhaps life would be easier for both of you if you took temptation and control from her. She is young so I would work on the principle that she goes behind a gate rather than she has to take responsibility for staying out of the kitchen. Then if she doesn't like it and screams you can divert her attention or withdraw your attention from the behaviour if that's unsuccessful.

Ignoring her pulling your hand should mean she learns that it is pointless. If you respond to it that will mean she does it far more but you do need to find different ways for her to communicate her needs to you.

Cory's advice to make cooperation fun is really good. Help her to sit still when she needs to by praising her and entertaining her. She'll enjoy doing well and want to repeat the experience.

I'm not a fan of the naughty step at any age but I defiinitely feel 19 months is too young for it to be effective - I think Cory talks a lot of sense i.e. work around it, she is not going to stop doing it just because you tell her not to although things like standing on the sofa you will just have to keep putting her down constantly.

Is there no way she can watch you cook next to you? realistically a 19 month old is not going to be happy being put in the play room if she wants to watch you. So you either have to listen to the tantrum or adapt.

Could it be that you are now used to how your 3 year old reacts to you disciplining rather than changing your expectations for a 19 month old? I know my 3 yr old is a dream when I tell him off in compariso to when he was 19 months old.

Sorry I don't mean to sound harsh.