20 Month old normal?

[kitkey]

DS2 is 20 mths tomorrow and I feel a bit worried about his development - mainly socially. He is a lovely little boy who love snuggles and kisses, he says lots of words and giggles with DS1 (3)

He loves being out and about, but at home he is always after my attention and although he can play with his toys alone sometimes and sometimes with me he, is often pulling me by the hand to do something inappropriate at the time - say lift him up to switch the lights on and off (his 3 year old brother does it), stand on the chair and play with water in the sink (which i sometime let him do).

When I am cooking he is always clinging around my legs - I know this is normal for toddlers but feel is a bit old to do this now. He doesn't like me to be gone from his sight for too long. At playgroups he drags me around by the hand to explore with him whilst other mums sit on the side.

He cries for tiny reasons a lot and has a blankie and dummy to comfort him still.

The main thing that worries me is he is nervous around and doesn't really like to engage with other children - the other day he pushed a little girl which was the first time he has really done anything like that. He plays with his brother well at times and giggles with him but I am sure DS1 had some little friends at nursery by this age. At nursery - he has been going since 9 mths - he is tearful quite a lot of the time - they say he says mummy quite a lot and points to the door- he has never really settled there and they say he is ok if he is being cuddled but he is prone to a lot of tears. I feel a bit sad about this but have to work and I am already worried about him moving to the next room up which isn't for about months but he will never cope there as it a less cuddly/affectionate environment. Will he toughen up?

Kitkey, sorry to hear your worried about him. Not sure what to say but I'll give it a go. Feel free to ignore it all!!

Both my DDs went through dreadful seperation anxiety at a similar age. They are now both very secure and confident girls. I just went with it and tried to give them cuddles/attention when they needed it. I knolw that is easier said than done, it can be very annoying and inconvenient! Maybe once you get home from nursery you could allocate 15 minutes of time to read him stories/ play lego/ cuddles on the sofa, or whatever. Just so he feels he's had his mummy time. Might make him less likely to cling?? If time's tight because of cooking etc at this time of day, maybe try and cook meal previos evening so it just needs heating up.

Are you sure the nursery he's at suits him? You didn't say. Just wondered if he'd be better off with a childminder who can give him that serogate mother thing. Nursery may have worked for DS1 but they're all different.

I took both mine to our village toddler group from birth. I don't remember them being clingy for any length of time but then it was a small and very familiar setting. I have seen children like this abd have always thought that I would probably play with therm for a bit and then sit with other mums. If they wanted to sit with me, fine. If they wanted me to play i'd say "no, mummy's talking just now, you can go if you want or stay with mummy"

If your concerns continue, I'd see your health vis, but I'm sure you'd do this anyway.

Good luck

Thanks Medoitmama I worry that he is not developing to become separate from me - he often wants to sit on my lap snuggling with his blankie. Nursery is a such a lovely place and he gets a lot of attention from the staff - his brother has been going there since 9 months too. I am not keen on taking the childminding route. It is only for 2 days a week and I know that the nursery staff give him as many cuddles as they can. He likes them but clings to them also. Hopefully he is just a bit more needy than DS1 and will come out of his shell in time. He was a colicky needy newborn and baby so I suppose the attention expected follows on into toddler hood. I can never relax with him because he is so demanding.

Hi, kitkey,

Your ds2 sounds normal to me. I think you are just used to a more independent-minded firstborn - not all of us are lucky enough to have even one child like that! I didn't think it odd to have my children clinging around my legs at inappropriate and irritating times when they were a year older than your ds2. Yes, if you help make your ds2 feel secure, safe and loved when he is with you (which is not the same thing as doing everything he wants when he wants you to do it, but does mean that you shouldn't react to what you view as his excessive clinginess by pushing him away), then he should grow out of it. He's not even 2 years old, yet, though...

I really don't think having "friends" at 20 months is remotely something to be expected, nor does a normal 20 month old have to like being around other children. Frankly, imo, intelligent 20 month old children are quite within their rights to find other children of their age alarming and unpleasant - what is fun about a toddler coming up to you, grabbing your toys off you, dribbling all over them and covering them in snot, then pushing you over? Or inappropriately trying to give you a cuddle? Or getting right into your personal space and being annoying? Your ds2 is used to a more predictable and interesting playmate in his older brother, so it's going to be hard having to put up with the unpredictability of other young children and learn not to assume the worst before it has happened. When the other children have grown up a bit, maybe your ds2 will be able to see them as potential playmates, instead of potential aggressors. It certainly doesn't seem as though the signs are there that your ds2 can't socialise: you say yourself he can talk well, can be smiley and giggly and plays well with his brother. 20 months old is still very much a baby - you were just lucky with ds1.

ps being a clingy, nervous baby does not automatically translate into becoming an awkward, shy adult. I know plenty of shy adults who wonder what happened to the outgoing, over-confident toddler their parents told them they used to be, and plenty of outgoing adults who tell tales of their parents' despair when they refused to appear from behind their mothers' skirts to say hello to the scary stranger.

I just want to say I agree with the other, he is so young still and obviously just needs more support at the moment. ALthough I know it is hard when you have two, I don't think there is anything abnormal in it. IT is just hard to manage for a mum with another young child and those things that always need doing in the house.

I would also softly reiterate the child minder suggestion. When I started looking at childcare for my first I was totally sure I wanted her in a nursery. We went for the settling in day and I was horrified. We ended up finding a child minder and my daughter loves it. She plays with Emily on Monday, archie on Tuesday and archie and scarlett on Wednesday and she loves them. They go to play groups and play dates,and the park and museums and all sorts of things. NOw although I'm not saying your nursery is not great, for some children they are wonderful. But they don't suit all children so well, and if your son prefers more one to one attention then perhaps the small group of a childminder might be worth thinking about. JUSt a suggestion because I am now a convert!

He sounds alot like my DS2 when he was around this age. Very, very clingy, not overly friendly with children other than his brother etc etc. DS2 is now 3.5 and is not like this at all anymore. If anything he is bolder and more confident than his older brother who was never clingy when young. I would just go with it being a phase. I would encourage him to play with other children and be independent as much as you can but other than try not to worry about it (hard done I know).

FWIW at age 2 DS2 went to pre-school a few hours a day and cried for me every time all session for 3 yes 3 months!!! I took him out in the end as it was costing me a fortune and they kept calling me to come and bring him home early . He is now fine though and laughs when I tell him what he used to be like. He does still like cuddles etc though and is very affectionate.

Oh, and btw, forgot to comment on the hitting not playing with others thing. I really think this is entirly normal. They generally play along side each other until they are at least 2. You obviously had a first child who bucked the trend but that doesn't mean it's not normal. And hitting? Most go through this stage. My eldest never so much as prodded another child. Very gentloe and kind but I sort of aLWAYS KNEW THIS WAS MORE LUCK THAN ANYTHING i DID! (whoops caps lock on). It was lucky I did think like this as my DD2 was a right thug!! Very hitty/ pushy/ snatchy. It didn't last long though.

Hi all - these comments are very helpful.

My 18m old daughter has just started a new nursery this week and is struggling to settle. She was fine at her old nursery (she left last November), seems to have coped with moving house twice in one month and in a Mark Warner nursery whilst we were on holiday in December.

I work full time, but my partner has a more flex schedule so she only goes for 2-3 days a week max. She has just started the holding leg thing and the hitting (both us and another child with a toy today). She also has no interest in interacting with the other children (which she did in December!) Once we pick her up she is fine and I always spend time with her before and after work. I'm hoping it's just a phase because we've not been able to find an alternative care arrangement that will be flexible with us (except at great expense).