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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Can someone please explain this "Controlled Crying" concept to me

20 replies

MissyPie · 04/01/2011 20:55

I've seen it mentioned quite a lot on here, and I'm new to motherhood with not many people around to call on for advice.

Please explain the controlled crying concept.

I leave my dd to cry for periods of 10 minutes at a time, if she still cries then I put her dummy in without making eye contact or speaking - I continue this for 30 minutes at the most then if it still continues I tend to give in and give her a cuddle.

Obviously I only do this when I'm satisfied that she is not hungry, not needing changed, not uncomfortable etc, my only problem i think is giving in too easily....I'd appreciate some reassurance or some tips please.

Many Thanks

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aPixieInMyCaramelLatte · 04/01/2011 21:03

How old is she?

I'm not keen on cc crying myself but have no problem with others doing it if that's what they want to do but it seems to me that if your dd just wants a cuddle it would be easier just to give her a cuddle straight away rather than letting her cry for 30 minutes?

Or do you think I'm missing the point?

Original poster

MissyPie · 04/01/2011 21:11

Hi, thanks for the response - she's 11weeks and don't get me wrong, she does get lots of cuddles and and attention from me and her dad - it's just that I find it hardest when I'm trying to get chores done, organise finances, get dressed and even eat my tea etc!! That's when I use this "technique" and it often doesn't go on for 30 minutes - I use that as my limit (for my own sake) she generally cries herself to sleep within 8-10 minutes.

Although she has just started teething so I feel incredibly guilty when she's crying because she's obviously in pain :( - my mum says she's attention seeking and tells me to nip it in the bud - surely there is a way to find a comfortable balance.

I love her to bits, but I can't sit all day in my pj's cuddling her - I wish I could :)

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aPixieInMyCaramelLatte · 04/01/2011 21:18

Oh I'm sorry but I definately wouldn't be doing it at 11 weeks. I don't think CC is recommended until AT LEAST 6 months.

I think your mum needs to keep quiet tbh. (Sorry) Yes your DD is attention seeking but she's only been in the world for 11 weeks and crying is her only form of communication. No need to nip it in the bud at all. Attention is exactly what she needs.

My ds2 is 16weeks and I found a sling a godsend when he didn't want to be put down. I got one where he could go on my back so I could get on with dishes etc and he'd fall asleep within 10minutes meaning I could put him down and carry on with housework. It worked a lot quicker than picking up, putting down everytime he cried.

Original poster

MissyPie · 04/01/2011 21:20

for example:

I have just picked her up for a cuddle and immediatley she stopped crying and plastered a big smile on her face and started cooing lol, it melts my heart but surely this is a sign that she has her mummy wrapped around her little finger..?? :)

It's not like she doesn't get any attention, she gets loads of love and cuddles and I entertain her as best I can, but come on where is the happy medium?

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aPixieInMyCaramelLatte · 04/01/2011 21:22

Sorry that sounded really rude. I think in our mother's generation it was assumed that babies can be minipulative and that you shouldn't pick them up every time they cried for fear of them "being spoilt"

An 11 week old will still need her mummy for the majority of the time. Trust me though, it does get better.

Like I said ds2 is 16 weeks now and can be put on paymat/chair etc quite happily for a while so I can get on with things.

Original poster

MissyPie · 04/01/2011 21:23

that's good advice 1) about the sling and 2) about the mother - the same mother who advises bottlefeeding my 11week old JUICE fgs!

My mum has raised 4 kids and helps with my other nieces and nephews, luckily I live 230 miles away so can just hang up the phone lol

It is truly difficult when I'm just learning to be a mother myself, so posting on this site is very helpful...Thanks for your help x

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Original poster

MissyPie · 04/01/2011 21:25

and not rude at all Pixie...i like this site for its straight talking!

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aPixieInMyCaramelLatte · 04/01/2011 21:25

A baby needs cuddles just as much as they need milk and clean nappies. Please don't think it's a bad thing that "She has you wrapped around your little finger" Babies don't even know what that means. All they know is that they need milk/nappy change/cuddle and they need it now.

I don't know what the happy medium is tbh. I just picked him up whenever he wanted, strapped him to my back when I needed to get on with stuff and put him down when he was asleep and eventually I could put him down and he'll coo away quite happily for a while now.

aPixieInMyCaramelLatte · 04/01/2011 21:27

Oh I read the thread you put about that. lol.

Glad you decided to take everyone's advice and not give her juice

My mum is very similar and also lives miles away so I just say "Yes, mum" and carry on with doing things my way. lol.

maktaitai · 04/01/2011 21:31

The version of controlled crying I know is about a strategy to change the sleeping patterns of a baby older than 6 months who starts off only able to settle to sleep with parent's presence/contact. The aim being to ensure that they can settle to sleep alone. You set your aims with the agreement of anyone else who cares for the child, grit your teeth and do it. You settle the child, leave, wait for the crying to start, wait 1 min, go in and reassure, go out, wait for the crying, wait 2 mins, go in and reassure, etc. Max period leaving them at any one time, 15 mins.

OF COURSE an 11-week old has you wrapped round her little finger. What a fantastic mum you must be that she knows you will come to her. TBH in my view that is exactly where you should be. Her job is to interact with you and she will do what she can to achieve that.

Yes you can't always go straight to them, but the crying is awful for a reason, you are tuned into it like nobody else.

have you tried a sling?

this is why many of us have houses that look like

maktaitai · 04/01/2011 21:33

oops that look like crap!

Original poster

MissyPie · 04/01/2011 21:35

lol, absolutely!

I registered on this website specifically to ask that question :) Something was telling me that it was completely insane - hence asking in the first place.

Gut Instinct is the best remedy I reckon.

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Original poster

MissyPie · 04/01/2011 21:39

thanks maktaitai - i'll look into using a sling, I kinda like the idea of it...just need to break it gently to an interfering mother (she'd hit the roof) but who cares I'm responsible for DD not her, so I decide how we do things

Again thanks for the comments - I take on board everything x

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aPixieInMyCaramelLatte · 04/01/2011 21:55

Sorry just came back quickly to tell you something i read a while back. This is in my own words.

It was a study done by (can't remember, might have to be a google job) that said that babies are born too early and that we has parents should look at their first 3 months as the "4th Trimester" meaning everything they need/want will come from mum just as it did in the womb, and only around 12 weeks will a baby be ready for the big wide world and be able to not be attached to mum constantly.

I know this is certainly true for us. It was around 12/13 weeks that ds2 would start letting us put him down for short spells.

With the sling, stay away from the baby bjorn type one's if you can. I find them awful and painful.

For back carries I really like my connecta and I also have a Mei Tai but that's a bit more fiddly.

I've also heard the Ergo baby carriers are good but these are quite expensive.

Hope this helps.

maktaitai · 04/01/2011 21:57

do you need to break it to your mum? why?

Original poster

MissyPie · 04/01/2011 22:02

pixie - many many thanks!!

Maktaitai - I don't need to, I kinda said that in jest but but I do like to keep her involved (perhaps I'll just tell her as opposed to breaking it to her) Like I said it's up to me isn't it, if she has a problem then so be it.

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lexxity · 04/01/2011 22:05

Apixie, I read the same thing and found with my DS1 it was exactly the case. I'm hoping my sling for DS2 comes tomorrow! We spent all afternoon on the sofa as he was just in one of those I'm grumpy and windy and need love moods. OP - sometimes you just need to say oh sod it and get on with what you know your baby needs. Trust YOUR instincts. YOU know what your baby needs. Easy for us to say I know, but it really is the best advice I was given. Trust your maternal instinct.

Rev084 · 04/01/2011 22:15

Controlled crying is for bedtimes isn't it? Though I didn't use it, I'm too weak.

Do you use a bouncy chair much? Then you can just sit her near you, whatever you're doing at the time, and she's propped up so can see what mummy's doing, maybe play with the little dangly toys they come with. We used our bouncy chair loads.

My baby was a wriggler so didn't take to the sling much, think it restricted her movements too much.

AngelsfromtherealmsofgloryDog · 04/01/2011 22:34

Harvey Karp is the man to google (there's videos on YouTube - I think that's who Pixie is talking to.

At 11 weeks I'd use a sling all the time in the day and co-sleep at night if you need to. Babies that age really shouldn't be left to cry; CC is for 6 month and upwards, and even then many people wouldn't do it.

My 12 month old still isn't sophisticated enough to try to wrap me round his finger - don't worry about bad habits this young; you can't spoil a tiny baby by meeting their needs.

dolster · 05/01/2011 10:09

Just to add another perspective on things - I didn't do controlled crying with my DD (now 8 months) but I was very keen for her to learn to settle/soothe herself. I'm kind of in awe of mums who do the sling thing and co-sleeping - I just know that I wouldn't have the energy myself and that I needed parts of the day that were mine.

I would let her cry for 10 mins or so from the age of 12 weeks but I would stay with her and stroke her and shush her. It worked really quickly and within a couple of weeks she was sleeping 12 hours a night and had a regular 2/3 hour nap during the day. It's a really tricky one but like everyone else has said, you just have to follow your instincts - I always felt I knew with my DD that she was in no way distressed when she was crying, it was more a kind of winding down, 'I'm tired' kind of crying. I also had her in a routine so I knew when she was ready for sleep.

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