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Original poster

4 year old son is driving us to despair

15 replies

Allison72 · 04/01/2011 20:16

My 4 year old has become angry, naughty, defiant, wont go to bed, wont go to sleep, screaming, tantrumming.....the list is endless.
I know its all about him testing the boundaries, starting school, being away from school/new routine all the usual things. But we don't know what to do anymore, we've tried naughty step, taking favourite toys away, getting him out for walks, painting, reading, everything. Its making me so unhappy, I don't know what to do. Please tell me its just a phase. He seems to be getting worse. I am hoping once he gets back to school tomorrow he'll start to calm down a bit.
Allison
:(

OP posts:
Sidge · 04/01/2011 20:22

It's just a phase, it will pass!

I've had the same from my 4 year old over the last couple of weeks - I put it down to overexcitement with Christmas, some later nights, change of routine, missing preschool etc.

Be consistent - don't try too many new things. I find that when DD3 is being particularly vile I sit down and cuddle her, read a story or watch a programme she likes and generally soothe her as if she was tiny again. I tell her I don't like her behaviour but I can see she's sad/upset/cross/whatever and shall we have a snuggle and calm down. 9 times out of 10 it works.

I think boys especially have a huge burst of testosterone at around 4-5 and become very changeable - you may need to run him ragged daily to help him work out his physicality!

Original poster
Allison72 · 04/01/2011 20:27

Thanks "sidge", I hope the phase passes soon. Hmm

OP posts:
mumofone1984 · 04/01/2011 20:34

hi, my 3 year old is doing this at the mo its horrible and i cant help thinking what am i doing wrong? i was hoping by 4 it would have passed!! (confused)

Original poster
Allison72 · 04/01/2011 20:43

Just been reading up about the testosterone surge and its all making sense now - think I'll get a copy of the Steve Biddulph - Raising Boys, to see if I can understand it a bit more.
Us mums of boys really do need to have the patience of saints. x

OP posts:
artydeb · 04/01/2011 21:05

Ha, there's a very similar thread for 3.8 year old, seems a very volatile 12 months or so. I posted a few days back absolutely exhausted and disillusioned by my mum skills. Well, I decided that enough was enough with me feeling completely battered by my DS's behaviour and have taken a much firmer stance with him, warning anyone in my wake that this is the case. Lo and behold - he has gone to bed without a fuss with the firm assurance that if he gets up the baby gate goes back on rather than a long and protracted bed time resulting in frustration, shouting and crying. We also shopped yesterday with a small reward promised at the end if he was good, he shouted and played up at a point, so he didn't get his reward but DD did - that was a lesson well felt too!
The result so far has been a much happier mum and DS with less shouting, more listening and more smiles, it feels like i'm actually cuddling him FOR a cuddle rather than to placate him if that make sense?
I'm sure this isn't the end or maybe even the solution to some of the tantrums, cheek and behaviour that he's displaying at the moment, what I do think though, is that I have reasserted my position as the adult and having the final say / refusing to enter into discussion about sweetie colours and whether it's 'fair' has maybe just switched the balance for us both?
It has definitely made us both happier to have re-established some boundaries but it could also easily be down to the fact we've both had some decent sleep two nights on the trot!

Original poster
Allison72 · 04/01/2011 21:36

Thanks artydeb, we'll keep trying! Hmm

OP posts:
LaTourEiffel · 04/01/2011 22:00

Hi guys - I'm having the same problem too, DS turned 4 a month or so ago, he's bright, intelligent, articulate, funny, loving, affectionate....

...shouty, whingy, grumpy, stroppy, screaming, hitting, kicking, throwing, stamping...

Its not constant, but it seems to be getting fairly close to it.

He went back to school (nursery) and daycare today and I was worried it would carry on there but they said he had a good day and when I picked him up he was full of beans and happy and giggly. Carried on being happy at home until he'd been there about an hour, then resorted back to screaming and shouting. Its odd because its not about anything. There does seem to be a lot of frustration in there....

I hope its some sort of hormonal boost / surge coz I'd really like my little boy back at some point soon. Its doing my head in and making life very difficult for all of us Sad

Original poster
Allison72 · 05/01/2011 12:34

I bet when I pick him up from school today they will say he's had a good day. Then at usual 4.30/5pm he usually has a bout of anger, screaming, whining, bouncing for no reason. I think I'm going to take him for a walk in future to see if I can avoid these evening outbursts he has. I wonder if its something to do with the time of day, I hope the walk will help this afternoon.Hmm

OP posts:
artydeb · 05/01/2011 23:02

Y'see - it was good while it lasted! DS still on a good run but the biggest tantrum from DD (7) tonight as apparently it's unreasonable of me to insist she doesn't hide chocolate under her bed to encourage ds to get up for 'midnight feasts'! So, sorry neighbours we remained shout free for 3 days!

On the subject of ds though he has also had a good day at nursery today and seemed brighter and more likely to listen today. Maybe the old routine will prove positive?

Allison72 did a good walk help keep the tantrum at bay? Seems a good idea to let them run of steam and get some fresh air?

shabbapinkfrog · 05/01/2011 23:08

dont think this will be a lot of help BUT....

My 13yr old DS4 is totally and utterly exhausted. Has spent all the Christmas holidays staying up verrrrrrrrry late and sleeping till lunchtime.

He got about 2 hours sleep last night and went into school this morning. He has just had a paddy that a 2yr old would be proud of Grin

Sobbing, crying, telling me he has smelly armpits and he is NOT tired.....in the shower, in his PJ's, in bed and asleep all in about 10 minutes.

I think the Christmas holidays have affected everyone. They seem to have gone on for about 10 years Grin I think all you can do is get back into a routine and be consistent. I threatened to ground DS4 tonight and his answer?.....'I dont go anywhere to be grounded Grin'

Just stick with it and good luck xxx

Original poster
Allison72 · 06/01/2011 13:33

First thing he said coming out of school "I've been good today!". Why can't he be good at home? Angry

Anyway, 4.45pm as predicted he's bouncing, shouting and having a mental moment. So I tell him to get his wellies on and we'll go for a walk. But its dark he says. 10 mins round the block and we get back and tea's ready. So seemed to take his mind off it. Fingers crossed, we'll keep doing it, and perhaps a longer walk once the evenings stay lighter.

Trying to stay postive & calm about it all (I know now its not just happening to me) lets hope I get my calm, gentle little boy back soon. x

OP posts:
throckenholt · 06/01/2011 13:35

I reckon a large part of it is over-tiredness. Try and keep things low key for a few days to give him time to recover.

HouseOfBamboo · 07/01/2011 13:21

I agree that it may well be tiredness, brought about by the excitement and stimulation of Christmas and being in a different routine.

School is so tiring for them anyway, it's a lot to take in for a 4 year old. A steady routine and relaxing after school for a couple of weeks may work wonders.

mumtomiaandjas · 08/01/2011 13:39

Hi Alison,
We have two daughters, one 9 and the other 3.
The 3 year old is also driving us spare!
She sounds alot like your son lol!
She argues, shouts, wont do anything that she is ask to do etc etc ect!!
My new year resolution, (and i sat my kids down and told them so!!) That i shall from now on be asking only 'ONCE'. This is for them to come to dinner table, get dressed, get into pjs etc etc.
I am also trying to stop being a screaming fishwife, and with the once only rule, i find myself calmer.
Cruel to be kind i say, as yesterday i told them their breakfasts were on the table ready, my reply form both was, ' be there in aminute'. this minute turned into 5 then 10, and when they both eventually came threw, their boiled eggs were hard and cold!!!
Today when i said the same, they bolted threw knowing its best to come when asked, or have cold brekky lol!!
Im starting yoga and doing excercises on the wii, and i also go out running to get out of the house and away from the kids!!
Me time, find some for yourself hun too lol.
They are certainly here to test us, and my hubby says our youngest is 'spore by the devil' lol (she redheaded also!!)
Anyway if you ever want a chat ill be around, or probally rocking in a corner, so we could always rock together lol!! :)
x

Sopster · 08/01/2011 15:55

Hi Alison,

Have a look at the reward charts on www.encourageandpraise.co.uk. There is one specifically for boys aged 4 upwards. There are different things you can focus on for example being good at school, being good at bedtime, being polite etc...It also gives you blanks to adapt to your own needs and you can set the rewards with your son. We used a different one of their charts for our little boy for potty training/tidying up and eating issues and they have been great. He has just turned 4 so we have just bought the 4 yr + one. Just a thought...hope it helps or at least gives you some ideas x

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