DS4 is a big brother now and is making our lives hell. Please help!

[vtiredmummy]

DD is 11 weeks and DS is 4. We knew after 4 years of being an only child (and only grandchild to boot!) he would find it tough to adjust, and he displayed signs during my pregnancy of concern, jealousy etc. which I totally expected.

But he is getting worse and worse each day. Both DH and I give hi lots of one on one time whilst the other looks after DD, but even that doesn't stop him playing up.

A normal day is - him jumping towards DD and trying to pull her leg far too hard (pretends he is being loving but the malice is clear!)Then he tries to bash her head whilst she is being fed. He shouts at us, ignores all instructions and commands, throws tantrums and generally runs riot until bedtime. We have tried ignoring him, distracting him, lots of extra attention and firm telling off, but nothing seems to work.

He is in nursery 2 days a week and we are considering upping the days if we can juggle the finiaces just to give DD and I a break. But then this doesn't really solve the problem. Interestingly he behaves well at nursery according to the nursery nurses who work there.

He wasn't a 'difficult' child before DD arrived, but I am at a loss whether this is normal sibling behaviour, just a developmental stage, or totally unacceptable. When will this behavious go away? Does anyone out there have any similar experience, tips and hints?

Totally normal. As you say, he's been your only child for 4 years and now his world's been totally turned upside down. The bad behaviour I think reflects his feelings of confusion and rejection. He's sad and angry and is pushing you away with his "bad" behaviour to make you prove you still love him. Of course he'll be his usual self at nursery - nothing's changed there but if you send him for more sessions this may just add to his feelings of rejection, even if it does give you a break. I think you have to bite the bullet and shower him with attention and love (whilst being clear that his sister is a living creature who does not like being roughly treated any more than he would).

I know it's not easy but I took the view that I was the adult and I was the one who chose to have another baby and turn DS1's world upside down so I had to bear the brunt of his behaviour. DS1 was 3.5 when DS2 was born and although OK with the baby was furious with me for quite a while. I was glad he was articulate and in touch with his emotions enough to direct it at me. It took a good 4-6 months for it to get better. Then there were blips when DS2 started crawling and walking. Now they're 5 and almost 2 they have their moments but most of the time are becoming friends.

My HV said a new sibling being brought home to live with a pre school only child was like my DH coming home with a younger, cuter mistress and telling me she was here to stay forever. Plus I had to put up with her and not move out!!

Not quite the same situation, but it gave me some perspective and understanding of DS1's feelings, he wasn't thrilled about the new arrival either!

In fact he wasn't thrilled for some considerable time unfortunately. He got over it after a year(ish).

I don't have any advice but have the same problem! My eldest is 3.5yrs and is really struggling to accept new baby brother-now 5.5 mnths.
I feel like a body guard instead of a mother as ds tries to hit and sratch ds2's face!
Its so upsetting, I love being a mother and adore them so much but feel cross I can't enjoy them at the moment and find being with them both so stressful.
Hopefully it is just a phase and ds1 will eventually like having a brother but for now I feel as if I've broken his heart!