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Behaviour/development

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Original poster

I'm getting fed up with this

18 replies

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 02/01/2011 23:12

at mum's for dinner, we go every sunday. afterwards, Ds1(5) was playing games on mum's laptop, mum was watching and joining in, at one point DS1 turned away to speak to me and mum played his turn for him but lost meaning the game was over. he threw a hissy and ran over onto the sofa howling and bawling, i told him if he didn't stop the computer was going off. so he didn't stop and mum turned it off. he howled more and ds2 (18 months) thinking ds was playing moved over beside him on the sofa and tried to tickle him. DS1 lashed out, pushing ds2 so he fell off the sofa, he wasn't hurt as he landed ona cushion but he cried as it was a scare. so i told ds2 he was going to the naughty step for it and brough him out. as i was bringing him out, dad lifted ds2 to confort him and syop him crying and mum said to me "now that's not fair, he didn't mean to do that". i carried on taking ds1 to the hall and then came in and closed the door. as i did Ds shouted "it's not fair, i didn't mean to" repeating what mum had said. and then mum shook her head and said "so he" pointing at ds2 "gets a hug but he" (gesturing to the hall) "gets put on the naughty step". i told her that ds1 had done it deliberately, my dad agreed that he did. mum said he didn't and it wasn't fair. i told her that i saw it, i know he did, he lashed out in bad temper. mum replied that ds2 wasn't hurt. i told her it wasn't the point, the point was that Ds1 lashed out. she rolled her eyes. i told her that she undermined me everytime i disciplined ds1. she said she didn't and that she was entitled to her opinion. i replied that she shouldn't have said it infront of ds1 because it undermines me.

then about a minute later ds1 knocked the living room door and ds2 went over and knocked back. i called him away and mum said "DS1 is knocking to let you know he wants off the naughty step" i relpied taht it wasn't up to ds1 to dictate when he got off the naughty step." she rolled her eyes again and sighed.

i am fed up with it. she has made it clear to me that she thinks i am too hard on ds1. DS2 is the naughty child however and she regularly advocate me "sticking my foot up his arse" but DS1 can do no wrong. fine, i have no problem with her having favourites, but i do have a problem when she lets my children know and when she interferes like this. i don't want to stop going there, my children really do like seeing her and my dad but i have had this conversation with her before and she just doesn't get it. i very well might have been too hard on ds1 but she shouldn't be telling me that infront of him.

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Original poster

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 02/01/2011 23:12

sorry for the novel.

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suzikettles · 02/01/2011 23:17

You weren't too hard on ds1 and your mum should keep out of it.

My mum would have gone ballistic if her mother had interfered with us being disciplined when we were wee, but as a gm herself she does it in little ways all the time. Vvv annoying.

milliemuffin · 02/01/2011 23:18

I do agree with you but unfortunately have no advIce I'm afraid. I'm sure someone else will be along soon though. Hope you get things worked out for all your sakes xx

Original poster

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 02/01/2011 23:21

i just don't know what to do about it. she has her ways and i have mine and i totally accept that. no two people rais etheir children exactly teh same. even couples will differ but when she does this infront of ds it really rankles. why can't she jsut say "well, they aren't my chidlren so it's up to you" isn't it enough that i know she disapproves?

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perfectstorm · 02/01/2011 23:50

Have you sat her down without the kids and spelled out that she is undermining you, acting inappropriately? I think sometimes you have to actually spell it out in painful detail - they can ignore run-ins like that.

She is perfectly entitled to her opinion. She isn't entitled to undermine you as a parent, and she needs to think about how she'd cope with someone who did that to her, when you were that age. HATE IT is the only answer there!

I sympathise. My mother never did that, but she totally ignores my plainly expressed wishes on a range of other subjects.

Original poster

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 02/01/2011 23:58

i haven't sat her down. i don't think it would work. she thinks that the fact she is right (in her own opinion) gives her the right to comment. but i think I'm going to half to try it. i can't keep having this argument and i can't ignore it. she is very vocal about that and about DS1 being "the best boy in the world" and then will point to ds2 and say "but that there is a devil". now i know ds2 is too young to understand but at what point will she stop? and also, it isn't right for DS1 to believe he is perfect and his brother is satan.

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perfectstorm · 03/01/2011 00:12

I think you neecd to, yeah. Be really assertive. It does work with my mother. She just does stuff I don't like when I'm not there, now.

perfectstorm · 03/01/2011 00:14

"she is very vocal about that and about DS1 being "the best boy in the world" and then will point to ds2 and say "but that there is a devil"."

I just read again and saw that - sorry, late and I'm tired. That's appalling. Honestly? I would walk out of the house with both kids every single time she did that. Tell her you will, too. Your second is 18 months - a baby. You're right not to stand for it and if you keep that up she will eventually shut up. She'll have no option. But God, how awful, I'm so sorry.

Was she an older child herself, by any chance?

Original poster

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 03/01/2011 00:23

she was the middle child of 9, but the youngest was 11 years younger than her and by her own admission, she (my mum) spoiled her, as did my gran.

at first it was a bit of a joke when ds2 was very small because he is, by far, alot more 'work' than ds1 was. mum has ds1 to stay over alot (he is there now) but has said she doesn't like having ds2 because he is too much work. there are 4 years between them and they are the only grandchildren so i can understand mum having a better bond with ds1 but it really gets to me now that ds2 has been labelled at 18 months old as the naughty one.

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perfectstorm · 03/01/2011 00:31

Yeah, it would seriously annoy me. It's very bad news to label kids at any age, but a toddler so tiny he's still a baby? I think you're absolutely right to put a sock in it - apart from anything else, what is she doing to their relationship with each other? What a way to power up sibling rivalry.

Original poster

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 03/01/2011 00:39

i think she is over compensating for what she perceives as DS1's loss of attention now that ds2 is here. she made a big thing when i was pregnant of telling me to make a fuss of ds1 and she did it too, i think she just hasn't stopped but now it is actually negative WRT ds2. you're right i need to stop this now. seeing it all written down has brought it home to me how damaging this will be for them both.

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maxybrown · 03/01/2011 00:40

Crikey I would leave too! My Mum is excellent and says nothing - even though she ADORES my DS and thinks he is the best boy in the world - but I tell you if she had ever spoken like that - especially in front of your older DS, I would be fuming. How horrible for you and your boys - you can't allow her to go on like this though? I appreciate it is not easy

Original poster

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 03/01/2011 00:40

my sister and i were constantly fighting as children, we didn't like the other one bit, i wonder if my mum is repeating history.

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perfectstorm · 03/01/2011 00:43

It'd be surprising if she weren't, tbh.

I'm really sorry - this is hard. But she sounds like she is really identifying with your eldest, for some reason. It's odd but she almost sounds like she resents your second for the loss of attention to the first, doesn't she? Which is a pretty toxic thing to teach your ds1, never mind ds2.

Original poster

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 03/01/2011 00:53

i am the eldest of me and my sister but my sister was always the favourite, and still is. i don't care that she has favourites. i don't care if she hates my youngest but i care that she shows it. i need to tell her it isn't on. it is getting ridiculous now.

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blinks · 03/01/2011 00:54

absolutely agree you need to nip this in the bud. she's well out of order.

13lucky · 03/01/2011 14:33

ILoveIt - this must be really hard for you. My mum does something similar with my two - although not quite to this extreme - but it is obvious that she favours my eldest child. It has become slightly easier as time has gone on (eldest is 4.6 and youngest is 2.3) although the favouritism is still there for me to see.

My two, however, are girl (eldest) and boy (youngest) so I imagine it's slightly easier for me in the fact that they are different sexes as the 'oh your my favourite girl' is less of a critism to my ds IYSWIM.

I, too, can also sense that my mum feels sorry for my dd when I discipline her and tries to stick up for her, and yes, it is really hard and makes me cross too but I don't want to fall out with her as she is so good to me and my dc.

As my ds has got older and more interactive, I think she is starting to warm much more to him and she clearly loves him...it's just she favours the other child. It's quite good now though as my dd has started school and so ds goes on his own to my mum's one day a week and this has helped strengthen their bond I think.

Good luck - sorry I haven't been any help but I do know how you feel.

13lucky · 03/01/2011 14:34

PS meant to say, the strange thing in my situation is that the eldest child is actually the one who is FAR FAR harder work. So think it must be a first born favouritism thing in my mum's case.

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