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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

why is nothing EVER right for my 3.8yo?

28 replies

HellinArcher · 01/01/2011 17:33

I am on my knees with this whiney, contrary, annoying, whinging, crying child I appear to have spawned.

is this just his age? or I have got a brat on my hands forever?

he cannot share. he cannot cope with being told to wait, or told "no". When things aren't right for him, he collapses in floods of tears and terrible wailing and sobbing that goes on for ages.

I don't give into the tears unless I think I've picked the wrong battle or been overly harsh, would say 90% of the time I stick to my guns.

Right now I actually feel completely mean as I am constantly telling him to behave, to stop crying, to stop whinging etc. he gets loads of attention and cuddles and playtime and toys and outings .... I think he gets a good balance of lovely things to do vs appropriate discipline, emphasis on manners etc but I'm obviously going wrong somewhere because his crying and wailing is so trigger-happy. I can't bear it any more!

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Confuzzeled · 01/01/2011 17:43

Oh sorry, you must have my dd.

Pheebe · 01/01/2011 17:44

It will pass, I'm counting on that as DS2 is 3.2 at the moment and utterly vile about 80% of the time. His brother was the same at this age, the tide turned as he approached 4.

He is loud, aggressive, will not sit still, spoils anything quiet we want to do with DS1 (can't watch a film, can't do crafty stuff, can't do jigsaws, well we can for about 5 minutes before he kicks off again. He is constantly jumping around and into the furniture and us. its exhausting and much of the time I dont like him. However, I do love the very bones of him and console myself with the knowledge that it will pass and my lovely cuddly friendly happy boy will re-emerge in due course

We are tolerating him at the moment, praising the good and ignoring the bad but being absolutely consistent with discipline.

Original poster

HellinArcher · 01/01/2011 17:54

soooooo nice to know I'm not alone!

I keep wondering if I have turned into some awful "yes darling, whatever you want darling" mother when I see ds wailing and whining because of yet another perceived slight or problem when his life is generally pretty good.

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TheManWhoSoldtheWorld · 01/01/2011 19:55

You are definitely not alone! I tend to cling to the good bits and consistently punish/ignore the bad.

The hugs and kisses are gratefully accepted at bedtime.

artydeb · 01/01/2011 20:13

I couldn't have put it better myself - exactly same age, same boat. Am exhausted and have started wondering whether it's me or him - don't seem to be able to pick my battles as it all seems interlinked with the next perceived problem he has!
Sorry that reads as a complete hijack but I think you have given me a vent in which to steam and i'm relieved it's not just me tbh.

13lucky · 01/01/2011 20:25

I've got one too - a girl who is 4.5 years. Nothing is ever right - just as you describe. I too, am dispairing with her. She has also been rude and obnoxious to my inlaws today and other family all Christmas. She is always sorry at bedtime, giving cuddles and saying sorry...but is the same the next day. And whinges and whines the whole time. Sorry no help to you but you are not alone. Will watch this thread with interest. Good luck.

Original poster

HellinArcher · 01/01/2011 20:45

we need a support group! I think more than anything the thing that I find exhausting is the crying. It is like the world is ending, 20 times a day. Just being asked to take turns results in tears.

Today we got home after a long journey in the car, popped to the shops to buy something to eat - I let ds choose pizza. We left the shop, walked past a local cafe and then he was whining and wailing that he wanted to go out for tea! Me pointing out that we had just bought pizza, which he had chosen, made no difference. Got home, massive sobs and tears because he wanted to have some cheese 2 mins before the cheese and tomato pizza was about to come out of the oven.

Does anyone's else's dc want to be babied a lot too? ds is an only, he is articulate and bright and I think is getting a bit sad or scared about being more grown up - when not wailing he is talking in a teeny-tiny voice or just making baby noises. Driving me up the wall!

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tigerlion1 · 01/01/2011 20:48

Soooo glad I read this! Our daughter is 3.10 and driving us insane! We honestly fear at times there is something wrong with her. She is so full of fun, sweet, funny, charming and is as bright as a button yet can flip to a vile creature within seconds. Like another poster said, we give her lots of time, do lots with her while at the same time, give a fair level if discipline - a good balance we feel. She's been particularly over-excited this Christmas (understandably) but has made two family gatherings unenjoyable with her tantrums, unwillingness to share and cheekiness. We feel at the end of our tether and don't know where we're going wrong.

Someone PLEASE tell me that they suddenly change when they get to 4........

13lucky · 01/01/2011 20:53

HellinArcher - yes my dd makes baby noises and sounds and silly baby voice a lot too...although I had presumed this was due to having a younger brother (he's 2)...but also suspect that she does it because she knows it winds me up!! Yes, my dd also cries over everything.

Tigerlion1 - I would like to say it stops at 4...but my dd is 4.5 years. Maybe it stops at 4.6!

TheManWhoSoldtheWorld · 01/01/2011 20:59

, I was going to say that I was clinging to four as the magic number. 13 has bought my hopes crashing down!

GlynistheMincePie · 01/01/2011 20:59

I have just read out loud all the 1st lines of posts to the above thread to my DH..and he has given out a massive sigh of relief.

miniMincePie (3 1/2yrs) has swung between vile and adorable over the past month. Sometimes it's taken a few days for the transistion to complete, some days minutes

Fingers crossed they come out of it soon [passes round wine in the meantime]

tigerlion1 · 01/01/2011 21:00

I'll take 4.6....it would just be nice to know there's an end in sight!

My dd also does a lot of 'baby' stuff and often insists we call her pants a nappy etc.

Original poster

HellinArcher · 01/01/2011 21:01

[grabs wine, downs it, opens another bottle, passes it around]

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mummyosaurus · 01/01/2011 21:03

Can I join the support group please? My DS turned 4 3 days ago.

A couple of months ago my dad asked if I thought he had ADHD his tantrums are so bad.

Yet, his nursery school teacher says he's a model pupil and looked shocked when I asked her if he has strops at school.

tigerlion1 · 01/01/2011 21:05

I hear ya Mincepie...

Would love to join in with a wine-fest but not sure it goes very well with Prozac lol.

Original poster

HellinArcher · 01/01/2011 21:07

oh yes - ds is fabulous for other people - polite, engaging, quite charming in fact. I walk in the room and he falls apart! Perhaps therein lies the answer. Do boarding schools take 3 yos?!

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GlynistheMincePie · 01/01/2011 21:13

*dilutes wine with lemonade

i am so glad (sorry, but i really AM glad there are other people going through this) not be have the one and only child going through this too.

i am very lucky in the fact there are 3 adults in the house (me, DH and adult DS) to dilute the situation at times, but by heck, the games they try to play are unbelievable!

tonight... i will brush my teeth but i won't have a wee. ok i will have a wee but i won't wipe. (sorry if TMI) i won't brush that tooth it doesn't need brushing...etc etc etc mostly said at the pitch only dogs and neighbours [gulp] can hear

fattybum · 01/01/2011 21:16

my ds1, 4.6, was an utter nightmare for much of the time til about the last month. He has suddenly turned into a likeable, reasonable, well behaved child! Its like he just matured overnight. He used to actually bring me to tears of frustration. I dont know whats changed, but im loving it! I was really worried about the school holidays, but ive barely had to raise my voice. There may be hope....

artydeb · 01/01/2011 21:32

fattybum what a ray of hope your post is! I don't really recall dd (7) being this stroppy and contrary. I've been attributing much of ds's behaviour to changes at home / nursery etc but reading this thread maybe it's normal 3 / 4 and I really do need to stop making excuses! As for the baby behaviour we have this too Hellinarcher - not a high voice but replacing language with 'gaga'. Has also reverted back to the potty after more than a year of using toilet too.

ceebeegeebies · 01/01/2011 21:50

I have posted a thread earlier tonight about my grumpy 2 year old...reading this, I imagine that he is going to grow up to be as you have all described your older DC.

Have your DC always been whingy etc?

Funnily enough, nursery always say he is lovely, happy etc so he clearly saves his whinginess/grumpiness for home!!

DreamTeamGirl · 02/01/2011 00:56

It does past honestly!!! I could have written this post when mine was 3.9.

I once had a very long telephone conversation (from work as it was only place I got any peace) with Parentline Plus these chaps during which I cried and sobbed about how awful he was and how terrible I must be and what had I done etc etc

The WONDERFUL lady on the phone told me not tot worry at all, and gave me some fab coping strategies, most of which I have forgotten, but 1 I remember which saved my sanity.
She said that I should get a dish of pennies, or stones or pebbles or even pasta and a jar or other bowl, and every time he made me smile move a piece over.

At the end of a truly awful soul destroying non stop battle day, do you know there were seven pebbles in the bowl. SEVEN How many adults in your life make you smile 7 times a day? Or even 3?
It kind of stopped me in my tracks and made me realise that it wasnt as bad as I thought and he was actually underneath it all a very sweet little boy.

He is now 5.10 and blows me away with how sweet, kind and well behaved he is, and has attracted compliments the whole holiday season on his behaviour, so there is hope yet!!!!!!

tigerlion1 · 02/01/2011 14:32

We're looking after my friend's little girl today (dd's best friend) and she's being utterly vile to her . We agreed on toys they would play with beforehand and put away anything 'precious'. She's currently screaming at her to go away and won't let her play with anything. What the hell is the matter with her??!!

SummerRain · 02/01/2011 14:35

ds2 is 4.5 and a whiney brat atm. dd is almost 6 and not much better. 22 month old ds2 throws wobblies about every little thing and won't share and demands everything be done his way or the highway.

I'm told it'll pass

Original poster

HellinArcher · 02/01/2011 14:39

ah tigerlion - this is exactly how ds is - we put things away, talk about sharing beforehand, first thing he does is snatch off another child, then cries and wails when told not to.

I remove ds from the room, often put him into his bed - and tell him he is welcome to come back when he's ready to share, and that we would all love to see him back. ironically around about the time guests are thinking about leaving is when he suddenly relaxes and becomes good fun again...

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MamaVoo · 02/01/2011 14:56

I have a 3.2 year old who is getting to be this way. Yesterday his face crumpled and he dissolved into tears because the piece of chocolate money I'd given him was 'the wrong size'. Apparently at playgroup he is the happiest most well behaved child you could wish to meet

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