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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Help! I want to strangle ds (age 4)

13 replies

lady · 30/08/2003 10:41

ds1 will be 5 in October and has just started school (scotland). I have had 9 unbearable wks with him and it's not getting any better. He has a smart reply to everything, and knows better about everything (eg "please don't swing on that, it will break" - "no it won't"(eg "you're stupid mummy now we're late" etc etc. I can't bear it - is it normal?
Incidentally I also have dd age 3 and ds2 age 16 mths. At end of tether. SPend whole time telling off and saying no and it just gets worse and worse as the day goes on - every day. Of course won't do anything he's asked/told either.

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Jenie · 30/08/2003 11:44

Poor you, I have dd 4 going on 24 and ds 16months. Dd always thinks she knows better than me, we call her little miss can't be wrong, but she gets that from me I have another 2 weeks until she starts school (full time yipee) and am trying to make the rest of our time together fun. Perhaps just so when asked what she did in the summer holidays she won't say "mummy was realy cranky and so I spent most of it in my bedroom"

Yeah it's normal, let's face it it can only get better.

kevsbabe · 30/08/2003 11:51

ds1 into second term at school in weeks time, can't say how much i am looking forward to that, why do summer holidays have to be so long, they have forgotten all the good things they have learnt at school by the time they go back, ds1 has also managed to corrupt ds2 in the holidays!

marthamoo · 30/08/2003 12:58

lady,

Oh it is soooo normal. When my ds started school he transformed almost overnight from a sensitive, funny, pleasant little boy to a cheeky, know it all brat. It was like that Harry Enfield sketch where Kevin the lovely 12 year old suddenly metamorphosises (is that even a word?) to "Kevin the Teenager" at midnight on his 13th birthday.

When I asked other Mums whose children had started at the same time, they all said theirs were the same. It's a self-defence thing I think - they have to be part of the crowd at school and, sadly, many of the children will be a lot tougher and more street-wise than they are. They also witness cheeky and unco-operative behaviour towards adults which maybe they have never seen before.

If it's any consolation, it does get better. That first term was the worst and I really thought "what are they doing to my lovely child?" Then, they find their place in the scheme of things and settle down. DS1 is still far more cheeky and argumentative than he was pre-school (he's about to go into Year Two) but my boy is still in there, just sometimes he's hard to find Sadly, they never go back to that pre-school innocence (where you are the most important influence on them and they take everything you say as gospel!)

I've also got a 20 month old who is Trouble Writ Large..and I have days where I seem to just shout from morning 'til night (and you may as well shout into the wind for all the good it does) so no answers there...just sympathy!

Original poster

lady · 30/08/2003 16:33

Oh dear. Thanks everyone. Only problem is that this started before school (he's only been there 2 days - would that it were that recent!) but by the sound of things the worst is yet to come!! Sympathy is very nice. Anyone any advice? Is this really normal? When does it stop and why? I want my children to be nice...

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EmmaTMG · 30/08/2003 19:13

My DS1(4yo) is exactly the same, infact you could almost be describing him. He constantly interupts people, even though we tell him EVERY time that it's rude and he has to wait until we/they have finished talking. He ignores everything I say unless I'm shouting at 1000 desabelles(totally spelt wrong I'm sure but hey-ho) and by the end of the day I'm always thinking how early can I get him to bed just so I don't have to constantly battle over everything(and it really is everything, not just interupting) and also so I don't have to hear my own voice telling him off.

What I also find hard is watching DS2(26 months) doing all the same things that get his big brother into trouble, I dread to think what they'll be like in a year or 2. However because I have now seen DS2 becoming like DS1 I am quite sure it's simply a matter of 'Boys will be Boys' and no matter how loud or how much I shout there's not a great deal I can do. We're expecting No.3 in a few weeks and guess what?.......... it will be a DS3.

WideWebWitch · 30/08/2003 19:25

Lady, I so know the feeling and truly sympathise with you and yes, it is normal, IME anyway. There were some good ideas and links to other threads here whcih might help. I bet he's really good at school though isn't he? My theory is that it's hard for them being good all day, especially at first, so they save all the demonic stuff for when they get home to us. Lovely, hey?

WideWebWitch · 30/08/2003 19:36

Lady, just realised the title of the thread I've linked to is "how do I stop smacking" so just wanted to say that I've suggested that thread just because I've already put links to some "5yo being a pain" threads on the smacking discussion, which is why I've referred you to it. I suddenly thought you might take offence or think that I was very dim and thought you really meant you wanted to strangle your 5yo and therefore need advice about smacking and punishment. I didn't think that, just thought some of the links there might be useful. Anyway, hope that's clear!

Original poster

lady · 30/08/2003 21:26

wickedwaterwitch, you made me chuckle. Glad I saw your 2nd message before following your link as I would have thought all those things! Yup, you are absolutely right, he is a gem at school. I go in to teachers' meetings knowing they are going to tell me there is nothing to tell me as he is so angelic, popular, hardworking, polite etc - but again, this was a major problem for 9 wks when there was no school...
It really is a major consolation to see things like what EmmaTMG wrote - so exactly the same - do you already know that it's a boy? OMG! Mind yourather 3 boys than 3 girls!!
Right, just off to follow those links. WWW is a bit of a pro at this -I've seen your name a million times. You must spend a lot of time online!!! Thanks everyone.

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WedgiesMum · 30/08/2003 21:42

And you could try the 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' book. You'll find it on Amazon (I did). It's really helped me reframe things lately - say things differently and stop shouting so much. It's made me feel better about how I talk to my kids (DS is 4 and DD is 2) and it really has had some positive results. I've felt so close to really letting rip, my palms have been itching to slap someone , and this has given me the confidence to back off but still keep control.

anais · 30/08/2003 21:50

Is it just me that thinks it's sad that this is considered and accepted as a 'normal' reaction to starting school?

Original poster

lady · 30/08/2003 22:08

Once again, this is not a reaction to starting school. I shouldn't have mentioned that. But I s'pose it is relevant, because we HAVE started school up here and I didn't want people saying he was bored etc with the holidays. I shall try the talking book.
WWW, just followed your links. 2 things: wish you hadn't referred me to the smacking thread - how heated did that get?! Also - what is your own ds like now? I see you started your thread over a year ago. please tell me he's come out the other side...

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WideWebWitch · 30/08/2003 22:36

Lady, yes, he's through it and a gem (he'll be 6 in a month) and a darling and I love him madly. Of course he drives me to distraction sometimes but it's rarer and rarer and we get through it quite quickly. We even sometimes shout, glare at each other and then realise how silly it is and get the giggles. So that's a HUGE improvement. Didn't mean to steer you to a controversial thread, sorry! Just couldn't be arsed to look up the linked threads again Yep, it's embarrassing the amount of time I spend here...

moosh · 31/08/2003 10:17

Well this doesn't give me much hope. DS is 3.7 months and is exactly the same as your ds lady. But I thought it would "improve" once he starts school next September and now filled with dread as it seems like they get worse. Oh no !!!!!! Love him dearly though and wouldn't change him for the world, at times I just ignore him if he keeps getting the last word as the confrontation could go on forever. My mum says that I should be glad that he is outspoken and confident and not timid and quiet. But it all sounds perfectly normal to me and mum says that I was like that as a child. Funny thing is though, I don't think I have changed. Wonder where he gets it fom eh!!!

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