Following an unsettling house move when he was two, and the breakdown of his dad's and my relationship, I have sat/laid with DS (6) at bedtimes until he falls asleep.
On balance, this has worked well, affording DS a big boost to his security over an extended period of physical and emotional upheaval. Often, it has taken 10 minutes or so for him to settle, which I don't begrudge; it's been worth it.
However, DS's imagination seemed to go into overdrive at the end of the summer/early autumn, and now bedtimes (as well as aspects of the day) are at the mercy of his overwhelming fears of the villains from favourite books and films. Not only is he older so going to bed a bit later, but he is so very frightened at bedtime that it's taking much longer for him to fall asleep (often around 9-10pm following 8pm lights out), and I'm going nuts hanging around waiting!
I either fall asleep with him, laying there so long, and then wake in the middle of the night disorientated, clothed and with the lights on, and can't go back to sleep myself. Or I end up starting my evening - chores, chill-out time, etc - so late, that I then go to bed far too late, and am exhausted the next day. All-round result: tiredness. I've tried doing things quietly in the room while my son settles - admin, sorting laundry - but it inevitably distracts him and draws the process out further. So what was a few minutes' snuggle time each night has become a lot of infuriating dead time that I can't afford to lose. I've been snapping at and feeling resentful towards DS, which I hate, and tired - and it's just getting out of hand, really.
I would really like him to start settling himself, but I think this will happen so much more easily if his fear is addressed; if he's helped to handle his fear of all things villainous and take control of his imagination. I've tried talking with him about this, reasoning, rationalising, de-mystifying these fictional characters - to no avail. A kindly friend has suggested I try sitting with him and then just gradually sitting further and further away from him each night until I'm down the hallway - and sticking to this plan rigidly, no matter how he responds. The problem I have with this is that it pays lip service (not even that, really) to the fears he's experiencing; it's not relevant to them.
So, does anyone have any ideas for how I could compassionately help DS overcome his bedtime fears and learn to settle himself to sleep? He needs to learn these skills, and I need to reclaim my evenings - and my day times to a degree, since of late, he won't stay in or go into a room in our sprawling house on his own either, even in daylight. I feel stifled. I can't/won't "get tough", because I don't think he's being naughty, but I am getting rather run down.
Really grateful to hear your ideas. Thanks.