Everything is a drama with my nearly 3 yr old DD

[TheBightyMoosh]

My DD is 3 next month, and is becoming a bit of a drama queen, and I don't really know how to deal with it.

Some of the time she is delightful and fun to be around, but sometimes she can be such a nightmare.

Almost everything turns into such a drama when she doesn't get her own way, and she insists on doing things on her own, and in her own way - like pouring milk in her cup. She's not bad at it, but I try and help her as she normally spills some, but she insists that she 'needs' to do it on her own. So she screams and shouts at me if I even go near her!

Almost every time I say no to her, it turns in to such a drama - we have tears and tantrums on a massive scale.

I try to ignore it as much as I can, and I certainly don't give in, and when she's calmed down, I try to explain why I have said no, or why she can't have an ice cream for breakfast or whatever, but it doesn't seem to work.

What can I do to calm the dramas and stop us all going mad?!

Sounds pretty normal to me. DS has just turned 3 and this is fairly standard, although the tantrums don't usually last long as I can't stand the noise - and as soon as he has been told to stop it, he runs off and hides for a bit (he thinks we "don't like him" because he's been told off).

I find that he needs things explaining many times, usually about 4, before it starts to sink in. I am not talking about 4 separate occasions either - I mean 4 times consecutively for each transgression.

Wanting to do things for themselves is very normal at this stage too - I bargain with DS - he gets his own spoon, I get the cereal in the bowl. I get to pour the milk, he gets to stir it, that kind of thing.

DS is desperate to be just like us and do what we do - he can't be reasoned with properly but if all else fails I usually resort to bribery (weak mother) which generally gets the desired effect.

For some DC, talking at them calmly and quietly brings them down from their histrionic heights - mine seems to respond better to shouting, he just carries on over the top of me being calm and collected but a loud voice will pierce his attention.

Not much help there - but you are not alone.

"What can I do to calm the dramas and stop us all going mad?!"

Big glasses of wine? (oh dear, I'm always recommending that!)
Search the MN archives for "threenager" and get some moral support from knowing you're far from alone?
Although knowing that doesn't help much with my own nearly threenager (who I keep wanting to throttle).

Aaargh, yes, the 'threenager' - a very good description!

Knowing I'm not alone really does help - it makes me feel like less of a crap mum!

And Ragged - wine is my saving grace!!

Thanks wise MNetters - I will take some deep breaths and get on with it

when things happen we always say 'oh it doesn't matter, just an accident' even when it's me having he accident. mine seem to have become more laid back but it has taken a while. I also tend to do things like put a sponge by her cup ready for her to wipe her own spills. I also put her screams/shouts into words for her. 'I've spilt my drink etc ..

Hang on, what's this - there's another stage after terrible twos?! My 2.5 DD has had several similar tantrums today including one because Daddy tried to help her scrape out some cake mixture from the bowl when everyone knows this is unreasonable behaviour and she wanted to do it herself. You can't get the parents.

My general approach is to consider the lesser of two evils - massive tantrum versus a bit of spilt milk to clean up. I would prefer to deal with the milk myself. And I try to retain the mantra 'she is doing this because her independence is growing and that is a good thing'.

But I had banked on this all ending neatly at 3. Now you tell me there is a threenager stage. Ragged, the wine idea seems a good option.

'fraid so, tinglelingle. DH was under the same misapprehension as you - he blanched somewhat when I explained that DS's more challenging behaviours would actually probably worsen over the next year, not magically disappear!

My dd was a nightmare from 18mth to 4ish. Tantrums. Screaming. Over reactions. Very independent! But a sociable clever girl with it with lots of friends. If I had a tenner for everytime she kicked off I'd be in the Maldives now! BUT now at 5 she is super. Still a liie demanding at times but has her impulses under control
Mostly She likes to be busy which drives me crazy but I'm like that a little too. We found naughty step Nd reward charts helped a bit but mostly it was down to her matering in her own time and a good pre school and primary with consistent disapline from us I'm sure yr dd will calm in time it's a normal stage to challenge at three.

It is a tough time with all the push/ pull they do

but it is normal to try and do all by themselves and it is good to encourage that when possible

sometimes when drama starts I think it is fine to sympathise and give them a quick hug them quickly and brightly move on to something positive and different - they are easily distracted at that age

• it is not 'giving in' but it helps to avoid meltdowns I find

also try not to go for head on black/ white confrontations or make demands
it is much easier to get a reluctant slow toddler to engage in a 'fun' race to get dressed/put toys away/ brush teeth/etc than nag and get mad

I must say none of this is easy and and everyone gets mad to some degree

but it all passes and new challenges come along

oh booandpops you've cheered me up as I also have a threenager.She is the world's loveliest child and then she has a tantrum and its a good 40 minutes of her lying on the floor,kicking and stamping and shouting "don't talk to me" if I try and jolly her out of it.I second the wine.

I have found that everyone warns you about the terrible 2's when actually 2 year olds are very cute!!! But 3 is the tricky age....thay have the vocabulary and the sense to answer back!!!! x

Ha - have just remembered something, triggered by the "threenager" term - DS has started already saying "it's not fair" !!

Goodness knows where he got it from, but there you are - I wasn't expecting that for another 10 years but no! It's here already. Gah!

oh yes. The joys of answering back. "Dont shout at me" " i had it first" "why" !!!

At 2.5 sometimes when he answers back I dont know if I should just laugh (cos I cant believe what he's just said) or cry.

DS is 2.2 and has to do everything himself - problem is he isn't really coordinated to be able to pour drinks etc. It gets very wearing. I want him to be independent but at the same time I would be constantly mopping up massive lakes etc.

The independence is great - she's becoming so self sufficient and I really don't want to stifle that at all - but yes, it is quite wearing when she can't quite do all the things she wants to do - and then gets frustrated which leads to a drama queen outburst!

sfxmum - that's fab advice about distraction - I do a version of that, but will try it with more conviction next time.

Anyone else feel like all they say is 'no'??? I'm finding 'positive parenting' a real challenge

the no is still ongoing I'm afraid along with 'but really you are not listening to me' and other adult tropes thrown back at us
dd is 5.7 now

the NO, particularly the moany ones, at ours often gets answered with -Noah? who is Noah?
much to her annoyance but if I giggle she giggles too and we move on

it is trying at the best of times but they are also so much more fun as they grow