What do you insist your children do?

[h20]

Fly in a plane to visit great grandma, play a board game, practice writing, go for a walk, eat breakfast - all these things my son (5) doesn't want to do. When do you just pull rank and insist? He often will stand and argue the point - quite cohesively! Help - I feel confused...

wash hands before a meal, ask to get down from the table after they have finished, go for a wee before leaving the house.

Should be installed as soon as that what you say goes......should take my own advise though

Why do you want to insist that he plays a board game?? I would have thought 'pick your battles' is relevant here. I am only mum to a young baby at the moment, but thinking back to my own childhood, my mum made sure I didn't do anything dangerous, but beyond that I did what I wanted.
Your son is a person, too - how fantastic that he is bright and articulate enough to argue his point.
Have you thought about getting the book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk? Recommended a lot on here.

I can't think of anything I would want dd to do that I wouldn't have a reason. Eg you need to go to bed now because a) you will most likely be up at stupid o clock and need your energy for tomorrow, and b) I need to go downstairs and sit down with a cup of tea on my own.

If there isn't a reason, sometimes IMVHO it isn't actually that important or a compromise can be reached. Ie 'practice writing' might need to be done but does it need to be done NOW? Can he have a choice of when? or if it needs to be NOW, explain why?

Agree with pick your battles.

Say please and thank you.
Clear plates and cutlery from table after meals.
Apologise when they've upset someone.
Not eat as many sweet things as they'd like.
Do jobs or homework to get screen time.
Sit down at the table for evening meal (mostly).
Take turns.

Does all that make me a control freak?
I was thinking of changing my TalkName to "TheNoWoman" btw.

On the other hand I let them eat some sweets, decline to go on walks, climb trees, shout at each other (better than exchanging blows), walk alone to school at an age others disapprove of...

Board games: hard to get them to play dispassionately under 7-8yo. Waste of time (as are jigsaws for same reason).

The airplane thing is tough, I remember at about age 5yo being terrified of planes and I just pretended it wasn't real when my dad made me go on once.

(PS I do insist on a lot, though my emphasis is probably about kindness and manners and being helpful and nice. Not sure I will worry too much about practising writing and that)

well say thankyou for cooking and please may i get down from the table. homework for half an hour with one tv promgramme as reward. we happily do something nice together as a family - often with hot choc/nibbles involved if it's a walk or board game. chatting is important - appreciating how we all feel and listening to each others needs. working as a team to keep the house a little tidy - so maybe putting their pants in the washing pile or emptying the dish washer. things like eating breakfast/tea/lunch depend on his appitite and we don't push it but also don't let them snack on rubbish if they leave food. bed times are set in stone - they really do need their sleep and can't cope without.

Thanks for all your comments. I seem to be just not picking my battles very well, and see-sawing between permissiveness and bloodymindedness if i'm honst. I was trying to get him to play a board game rather that go on the Wii (christmas present) or the DS, but maybe I should have said no to the electronic stuff but got hime to choose the activity. I seem to make everything stressful somehow, and mishandle the most simple interactions. I'm feeling awful. My younger son (3) is just beginning the process of being assessed for ASD and I feel completly out of my depth on the parenting in every direction.

But if he is 5 and has got a wii for Christmas of course he wants to pay on it and not play a board game - I guess I don't understand what you are hoping to achieve by making him play with one thing rather than another? If you object to computer games (I sort of do if I'm honest) then don't let him have them, but you can't really expect a five year old to understand you not wanting him to play with his Christmas present. If he was 25 he would probably want to pay with the wii more or less constantly for about a fortnight!!!

Go to bed at night.

Ask if they can get down from the table.

Eat with mouths closed.

Use a knife and fork.

Wash hands after a poo.

Put dirty clothes in laundry basket.

Succumb to being hugged and squeezed by me whenever I wish.

You are quite right emsyj. I really am not sure what I am trying to achieve here!!! I suppose I feel guilty about the computer games and tv that my kids use/watch, but I let them because the tv (thomas dvds) calms the little one with ASD, and I am a single parent who works full time so am often trying to do housework etc etc and not paying attention to the kids, but then I feel guilty/bad about the childhood they are having and attempt to do improving/bonding things which no-one wants to do!! What a mess.

Well I put DD in front of Waybuloo so that I can do the ironing.... And I don't feel bad about it. I do think tho that kids (esp young ones) much prefer to have adult interaction if possible - maybe take them swimming or join in playing a multi-user game on the wii?

I insist on:

Seatbelts worn in car, and car seat if appropriate - goes for any child actually - non-negotiable even though DD wants to be like her friend (7) who "doesn't have to have one

Brush teeth

Weather appropriate clothing

Say please and thank you

Eat at the table, with mouths closed, preferably with cutlery

Lid down, flush, wash and dry hands properly so as not to get chapped

Less insist and more encourage with praise:

Daily reading
Not fighting with siblings
Tidy up after themselves - if they don't put away their tat then it goes in the bin [evil]

As regards screens, in our house they are a priviledge - any undesirable behaviour and they loose screen time (usually after a warning)

H20, I understand! I get annoyed with the dc for watching tv when actually I was the one who switched it on!!

In my more rational moments, I would explain that I know you love xyz but you can't do it ALL the time as we don't get to talk and play together. And I like playing and talking with you. Would then leave in dd's court (and go and suggest doing something else later).

But I totally understand the conflict in less rational moments! And with your situation, it makes sense that things will be more hectic. Give yourself a break.

Fly in a plane to visit great grandma, play a board game, practice writing, go for a walk, eat breakfast

The only thing I would insist on in that form is eating breakfast. And if there's a battle going on, I would reduce said breakfast to a crumb with a smear of jam on, or something, get that down him by any means necessary, and give up until next mealtime.

I do think you've been sensible getting a Wii rather than, say a DS (we've just got ds a DS ) as at least you can play it together or get a friend to play it with him. I know it's marketed like that but it is genuinely more interactive than the handheld babysitters.

Practising writing at 5??? what???? life doesn't have to be that hard!

The flying on a plane thing is difficult. Are there any other travel options? I don't fly myself so I do rather sympathise with your ds here . Could he stay behind with granny while you take lots of pictures to your great-grandmas?

Thanks Adair, it's good to know i'm not alone on this one. Your suggestion about how to explain to that's a good idea, thanks.

Thanks namechange - I feel the same way as you really but feel like I should be making him practice his writing etc as all the other kids seem to at his school, and I had parents who took no interest in me whatsoever so i'm trying to do it different but don't know how. Maybe I need to just chill out and let them be - we'd all be happier!!

hmm, well, looking for opportunities for him to write and draw is one thing, is that what you mean? e.g. getting him to sign his name in cards, draw pix etc.

namechange - He will sign his name in cards but he freaks out if anything goes wrong/ he feels it isn't good enough, so it's all a bit painful for him and me. I try and encourage him but he thinks he is no good at writing/drawing.

I have thought about everyone's comments and will not be insisting he goes on a plane to visit great grandma either! Irony is, I have only just started flying again myself after 6 years of refusing, so not going to make an issue of it - he can come next time if he wants to. I will be picking my battles and chilling out a bit, but making more effort where required - it was OK today..

Say please and thank you
Wash hands after going to the toilet
Clean teeth twice a day
Say sorry after injuring a sibling/another child

Not much else to be honest!

h20, it sounds like you're doing a fine job. Managing three kids, one job, and an ASD assessment, and you're posting about boundaries rather than how not to throw them out of a nearby window? I'd like to know your secret!

Have you popped over to the SN section yet?

of your list I would insist on

going on a plane to visit great grandma (not his choice yours)

Eating breakfast (I would give him a choice would you like A or B?)

I insist on

table manners (ask for things dont reach over others - say thank you - say please- ask to leave the table)

wash hands after toilet

brush teeth and hair each day

wash in morning

put the toilet seat down (my son)

say thank you for presents and thank you for having me after days out at friends.

to help with what chores I ask them to do. (this can change after how old they are)

I have days where I say no Wii / ds but then I will say " you can not play on the wii/ds/psp for the next 2 hours" the same goes with tv but again it is a for this period.. oh and I certainly have " enough kids tv Im not watching more..

Hi mariagoretti, i haven't been over to the sn section yet, i have been putting it off because i didn't want to accept my sons problems were asd somehow- but i will take a look as i think i need some help and support. Thanks x

Have his hair washed every week.

Have nappy changes when necessary.

Get dressed warmly when going out.

Go to bed when it's time for a nap/sleep.

Other than that I reason with him, and explain, and 9/10 he eventually does whatever... eventually. Those are the only things he sometimes refuses to do no matter what, that aren't negotiable. Unless he's exhausted - then he fights everything, no matter what, and negotiation makes it worse. All bets are off at such times - you just have to pick him up, cuddle and ignore until home and he's tucked up in bed!