Feeling like having a second child was a huge mistake

[allyfe]

I have a 21 month old and a 6 week old and I am really finding it hard to enjoy having 2 children. I feel like I am failing to meet either of their needs properly. And I keep reading things about siblings arguing and difficult behaviours and I am left thinking we have made a dreadful mistake. Please tell me why two is a good thing, both for me as a mother and them as children.

Hi, I can't really help as I only have 1, but just wanted to say hang on in there and you're not the only person awake!

Your toddler won't remember any of this, but will always have a sibling. I fought like hell with my sister but she's coming over for Xmas on Friday. Siblings are a mixed blessing but at the crunch they are someone of your own generation who has to get your back in a tight spot.

Even when my sister was annoying the crap out of me a few years ago I would still have donated her a kidney if she'd needed it.

From what I remember of DS at 6 weeks, it must be bloody hard having 2 tinies. I am ttc #2 atm and am frankly terrified.

I bet you're actually doing an amazing job, objectively, and like I rambled earlier, neither dc will remember this time anyway.

Best of luck

You are still very much in newborn hell. It is hard work at the start but stick with it. My 2 are 20 months start and it was awful at the start. It felt like one of them was always crying. Dd2 is mow 2 and they adore each other. Dd1 can't remember not having a sister and they play together really nicely. Obviously they have their moments when they argue but most of the time they just love being together. It gradually gets easier, it doesn't feel it at the time but if you look back in a few months time then you realise it has changed. For me it now easier to have 2 than 1 as they entertain each other. Stick in there it will get better. Siblings are there for life and a bit of arguing as children is nothing compared to the joy a sibling can bring throughout your life.

My 2 youngest are 10 months apart, with DS1 (the youngest) now 4 1/2 months old (corrected he was 10 weeks early) I'm a single parent so it is hard and it is exhausting but I keep reminding myself this time next year, both will be walking and they will have built in playmates. The worst bit was before DD2 (age 1) was walking, its crap trying to carry a toddler and a baby in a car seat when you need to put them in the car to go anywhere. My only real worry is DD1(age 12) will feel pushed out (obviously the little ones take alot of my attention, we do have time together tho) or the younger two will gang up on her ;) My life seemed to vastly improve once I introduced a routine, I now even get 2 hours peace while both have naps at the same time after lunch, and both of them are in bed for 7pm and stay there until 7am. obviously you hardly have time to pee between 7am and 7pm but I at least know the end is in sight, they will go to bed and I can fall exhausted on to the sofa and catch up on housework/MN lol

It is a really long journey and you are just at the start....all you can see is here and now and focus on all the things you wont want to be happening, as tinsel put it so well "you are in newborn hell". Im not belittling that it is a tough stage but it really does get easier. My 2 are now 11 and 9 and they love each other dearly, kill each other happily and ignore each other completely

They wont remember all the days at this age, they are very much "here and now"..we label them with the ability to make judgements on our parenting skills (thank god their isnt a kidsnet!!).

I promise you it will get easier, it is a very stressful time of year ontop of having 2 very yound children, keep going and keep talking to all these lovely mnetters XXXXX

I felt like this with DS (#2), it was a real struggle. Older DD (3 at the time) found it really difficult to adjust, and had serious behvioural issues. It is a big change that the whole family need time to adjust to. It wont happen overnight.
Just bear in mind, if you are really not enjoying it, have you thought you may be experiencing post natal depression? Maybe not, just be aware that it can creep up on you.

My two are very similar in terms of age gap - DS1 is now 2.10 and DS2 is almost 14 months. It was just sheer hell in the beginning. Also, don't forget that you experience a hormonal crash (as I've been told) at about 6 weeks postnatal so your hormones are probably all over the place. With age gaps as close as ours, it was always going to be difficult. I often think that if I had DS2 now, DS1 would have been so much easier to deal with BUT on the positive side, DS1 does not remember a time without DS2 and often proclaims how much he loves him. And they really bounce off each other now, DS2 thinks DS1 is hilarious. It will take time to get there but I do remember those early days very grimly... Hang on in there! I never did as much shouting as I did those first 3 months...

I felt very much like this at times after DD was born, even though she is an absolute sweetie. It just IS very hard with two small ones - even now she is 10mo I still have moments of thinking "what have I done to my life?".

BUT looking back it is definitely getting easier, so slowly that you don't always notice it at the time but it does happen. She is now feeding much less so it's easier for me to get a break occasionally, she sleeps much better, and she can amuse herself much better now than DS could at that age, probably because of not getting so much attention! Also she can now be entertained by following DS around, and they will even occasionally play together for a short time which is a nice glimpse into the future, when I suspect they will both be less dependent on "mummy" and keep each other amused more!

Just try to be kind to yourself - not always easy I know but it does make it easier to be kind to them too! And do accept any help you are offered, I couldn't have done without my DH, lovely MIL and venting to other mum friends.

you are in that hard new born stage - it does get much much better I promise. I struggled at first to make sure both my kids needs were met but we have the balance right now. I'm just sat here with my two and they are so cute and loving with each other. They have the odd bad moment sometimes when tierd, ill or hungry but they really enrich each others lives and look out for each other. I adore how they chat together and watching the games they play together. xx

I felt the same way when mine were the same age and they are 20 months apart. They are now 2 1/2 and 4 1/2 and it is easier and I don't feel like I shouldn't have had 2 anymore. But they still drive me crazy at times but I think that is usually the case for young kids until they are around 10ish and do not need to irritate you for their enjoyment!! :) Hope you feel better. I felt better with each passing month but a big turning point was when DC2 was 2with a big turning point being when DC2 was 2 1/4 and started to be more of a little boy than a baby.

I have exactly the same age gap between my dds. Until dd2 hit 12-14 weeks, I was terribly anxious for all the reasons you mention, but then the postnatal 'fog' cleared and things improved hugely.

They are 7 and 5 now, best of friends (though they squabble now and again obv) and I am firmly convinced that I made the right decision. Honestly, it gets SO much better .

Your baby is only 6 weeks old. This is a very difficult time and you're not being rational.

You've given your first baby a fabulous gift, a sibling. And you have another child to enjoy.

You'll get over this time, the most difficult I think in motherhood, and all will be well.

I felt the same - it was such a shock after an easy first baby; I wasn't expecting it at all. I found Rebecca Abram's book on coping with a second child really helpful, and still look at it now and again even though they are now 8 and 4. (Three Shoes, One Sock and No Hairbrush.) Can't recommend it enough and have been known to send it to friends who are also struggling.

I have a son and twins (girl, boy). I spent some time feeling very sad for ds1 as he got so little attention (compared to previously) after babies were born. Now, 2 years on, I see how the twins interract and I am actually a bit sad that ds1 spent nearly 3 years on his own. It's wonderful to have someone to play with, to be by your side, to love you etc. I have a sister, and yes there was some sibling rivalry (I was always convinced my parents loved her more!), but we are so close now. She is my best friend, and I can't imagine life without her. There is a book called 'Siblings without rivalry' which is written by 2 excellent parenting writer. I keep meaning to get it, but haven't yet. Maybe get it to read when your newborn is past 1!

What needs are you failing to meet?!... I don't think it actually is a need to be the total centre of your parents' world your entire life.

A small age gap is great - not at first, as it's very hard work, but very rapidly it becomes a big advantage. Ds1 provided endless fascination for ds2 from very early on - as did ds1's activities outside the home, making ds2 a much easier child to entertain. And ds1 still got plenty of attention, because ds2 spent large amounts of time asleep, or watching ds1 (after the unpredictable early weeks). And now both dss are older, I have no trouble planning days out for them, because they are close enough in age to share interests and have similar physical and intellectual abilities. And when staying at home, they play together all the time.

Because ds1 has no memory of life without ds2, he has never mourned that time in the way an older child might have done. Why on earth would I want to have waited until he could remember? Seems a bit cruel to me... spend lots of special time with a child they will be too young to remember themselves, but make sure they have clear memories of the moment of loss of that time?!... And all for some odd belief that a first child needs tonnes of "special time" that no other child of yours will ever get?! And then to be given a younger sibling who is so much younger they risk never being hugely close, because throughout childhood, the younger sibling will be too far behind the interests of the older sibling ever to catch up (without being seen as an intensely irritating little upstart)?

And as for being an only child... I wouldn't have chosen it for myself. I don't spend my days wishing my parents had devoted more of themselves to me and wishing away my siblings, nephews and nieces!!!!! Even if my mother did occasionally call me by my sister's name!

Does that make you feel any better?!...

I clicked on this and thought your 2nd one would be 6-12 weeks. I posted something very similar last year (when DS was 9 weeks old)

I actually had PND, got ADs and now feel much better, but it was hard work! the novelty of having a 2nd has worn off, and they aren't doing anything yet except being demanding.

You really have my sympathy, but it definitely does get better!

I don't know what everyone else has said as I haven't read the thread (I know its short but come dine with me is calling
ds arrived when dd was 2.9, not sleeping through the night(odd as that started to happen when 6 months pg), actually said during labour that we didn't need two and could give this one away .

However, he is now 4 months and I honestly can tell you I thought he was quite nice but could take him or leave him for the first couple of weeks, felt like I might lose my temper a lot until he was about 6 weeks (felt at one point like I might just shake him to make him shut up), it was HORRIBLE and makes me want to cry thinking about it.

Fast Forward to 17 weeks and I can't imagine my life without BOTH of them. He is delightful now he is no longer brand new (it is hard those first 2 months!!), I have put effort in to spend time solo with him and with her and it is working for us for now. It is a massive bonus that dd adores him beyond what is normal. perhaps she picked up on my funny feeling towards him.

It is difficult having 2, you don't know how to love them both as they are different stages, you don't know if you can love both of them, you are tired and irritated with at least one at some point during the day. I am going to shout now

IT WILL GET BETTER, I promise, and you will love them both equally (hopefully) but you know there is no shame with talking to your Dr about this (am not sure about health visitors myself), although I would be prepared to talk to my lovely midwife. However talk to a health professional as there may be something more than you are aware of at work and it is good to have a second opinion face to face rather than just some mn opinions
It will get better, it will I promise, and you will wonder how you could possibly have felt this way. However you aren't alone with thinking the way you do. thinking of you and hope it all works out!

Oh yes - agree with bringme. irritated was definitely the most pressing emotion I felt when DS came along.

Don't worry, your feelings are normal . It's bloomin' hard work when you've got two littleys and you're probably right than you're not meeting either of their needs exactly but I'm sure you're doing brilliantly and doing a good enough job!!!

That's what it becomes with two- you cease to be perfect Mummy (as you can be to a certain extent with one child, or strive to be) and become good enough Mummy. Also you are only just at the "have recovered from birth" stage. You are almost certainly still in the "knackered from no sleep and looking after two littleys" stage!!

It gets easier so hang in there and get all the support you can. You'll notice as both get older will be SO much easier. Also it takes a while to get used to two, almost like becoming a new parent again. I remember stages when if one child was crying that wasn't too bad, if both were that was not so good but probably quite normal, especially at certain times of the day!!!

It gets easier and becomes brilliant mine are now just 2 and just 4 and are fantastic fun. Enjoy.
x

I actuallyfound going from 1 to 2 DCs quite easy....going from 2 to 3 was a completely different thing, a nightmare basically. People will tell you it gets easier, so don't despair.

I had a 21 month gap between mine and can totally relate. I found it incredibly hard, and I felt like I'd 'lost' my dd1 as I had no time with her any more (and she also therefore started to see daddy as the main carer rather than me - it was a year before she let me put her to bed again). It was heartbreaking.

BUT they are 3.3 and 18 months now, and they love each other to bits. DD2 follows DD1 round adoringly, and DD1 loves having a playmate. And also they have a mother who isn't on top of them all the time, and is considerably more relaxed than when she just had one PFB. It has been incredibly special seeing the relationship between them develop, totally independently of me or dh. Yes, they squabble, but also they spend more and more time playing together nicely (and peacefully). It's fab. And DD1 does still love me after all

Hang on in there, its early days yet but it will all work out. You've just got to get through this bit....

There are 2.7 years between my two, ds has just turned 1yo and dd is 3.7yo. I found it very hard at first, relentless almost. I still find it that way now, sometimes. But not every day, not even every other day. The tough times still come, and occasionally I wonder what I've done to my life (whoever said that before, I concur!), but they come much less frequently now.

Now I can see their relationship developing, and I feel there is a special and different bond between myself and each of them.

Parenting, eh? Bloody mare at times.

Hang in there. It's such early days.

I've a 25 month gap and the first 4 months or so was really hard. DC1 was in nursery a couple of days a week and that really helped. I also used to take DS1 out by himself at the weekend.
At about 12 months they started playing together well and love having each other. I don't think their lives would be so fufilled if they didn't have each other. DC2 copies everything DC1 does its very sweet. We're expected DC3 soon - I imagine things will be pretty tough for a few weeks again

Thank you for this thread! I have DD who is almost 2 and DS who is 10 weeks. There have been so many times when I have just sat at the bottom of the stairs and sobbed while they both cry for me... I've felt like I'm failing them both and that DD will hate me forever for ruining her life. And it coincided with DD giving up her nap...

I still have rough days, but it IS getting better, OP, as I'm sure it will for you too. My tips are:

• invest in a good sling for your baby so you can carry them around and still do stuff with your toddler
• drop your standards of household cleanliness and personal grooming! It really doesn't matter if the house is a tip and you're still in your pyjamas at 5
• make judicious use of TV / DVDs when things get rough
• be kind to yourself: it is incredibly hard and you should be proud of yourself for getting through each day

I also try to get out to playgroups a few times a week to give DD a chance to run around and go crazy. And now that DS is more awake and alert I can see how much he loves watching DD - he needs no other entertainment! And the first thing DD asks when she wakes up in the morning is where her baby brother is...