is it wrong to send a 3yr old to his bedroom?

[lucylookout]

I've had a really rubbish day and am beating myself up feeling I've been a terrible shouty mother. My 3 year old DS is driving me to distraction. When we're playing together and all is fine he does things solely designed to annoy me, like chucking cars at my head, or flying an aeroplane into my face. To be honest it makes me not particularly enjoy playing with him at the moment as I never feel very relaxed. He gets cross very quickly at the moment too and is very aggressive with it (biting, scratching, punching, spitting, kicking etc etc) and has gone back to having full on writhing on the floor tantrums that last a good 20 minutes or so. When he comes round from them he wants cuddles which of course I give him. If however he's fighting me physically about something (normally out of frustration over something I have said he has to/can't do for whatever reason) and he won't stay on the 'naughty step', or is having a tantrum where he keeps launching himself at me to try to hurt me I send him to his room for 3 minutes. If he comes out I just put him back in again. Sorry, this message is all scrambled because I've just had another horrible scene at bed time when I wanted us to be having a nice cuddly time. And as much as I try to keep my temper and deal with it calmly, at times, especially at the end of a hard day like today I do shout and snatch something off him if he refuses to give it willingly, and I'm worried that here I am telling him to talk about things if he feels angry instead of biting and hitting but then am not presenting a particularly good example when it comes to dealing with anger. God, I am finding parenting so hard at the moment. Does anyone have any advice? Words of reassurance? He has a reward chart (with 4 specific goals such as being gentle, doing what I ask him to do) and gets lots of one-on-one attention.

I could have written your post myself! I have a 3 y old boy who varies from angelic wonder to tantrummy whiney oh-my-god-I'm -going-to-throw-myself-out-the-window kinda stuff! On those days I often find I try sooo hard to be patient but then I just crack-I go from 0 to 10 in a second and find myself shouting when I just don't want to. I even slapped his leg one day out the blue when he kicked his sister-helped no-one and he seemed stunned when I'd been telling him all the time that hitting was bad.... Anyhoo I actually bought a book often mentioned on these threads called 'how to talk so kids will listen' and I've only read the first bit but already find it soooooooo helpful-defo worth a buy. I have tried a few techniques and defo avoided a few tantrums directly because of it. Most of their behaviour, I'm sure ( or so I tell myself!!) is purely toddlerdom and does not reflect the lovely wee souls they will grow up to be(? Please!!) but it absolutely sucks when at the end of a v hard day u just feel completely crap cos u felt u handled everything badly.... Just don't feel too bad and certainly don't feel alone-think it's a right of passage fir all parents! Best of luck x

All sounds v v familiar. Not every day, but we do have days like this with our 3 year old DS too.

We also have the "how to talk" book and it's great, but DP and I haven't made a proper full-on go of discussing it and implementing it in a consistent way. Probably we should. We have an 8 month old as well so we are finding it harder to make time to have proper parenting "game plans" in place -- but we will get there.

And sorry, yes, meant to add that you must remember you're not alone! I believe this is really common at his age.

Oh also meant to say that we also send our son to his room when he has done something v naughty and not apologised/ listened etc. He has to stay there for 2 mins and is only allowed out when he has apologised fir whatever it is he's done. Used to have the naughty step but I wAs finding it physically too hArd keeping him on it as he is a big lad and until recently I was preggers with no. 3. X

Yes we do it too. He mainly just stays a minute or so and then comes out saying "sorry" in a woeful tone.

Thanks, that makes me feel better. I will look into the book you mentioned and have also just ordered a book called 'playful parenting' which gets very good reviews too. I'm hoping it'll help me be more understanding and less shouty. I'm sure it is a phase (although it'slasting months!) so all we can all do is relax while they're asleep, brush ourselves down and remember tomorrow is another day that we can start with all of the best intentions!

Yes that fine to put him in a room for 3 mins - please don't feel guilty. Give you both time to calm down. I know parenting can be very stressful. Are there any other triggers - hunger,tierdness, bordom,illness,upset at preschool? I try and lead by example but fall short too. Just reading a great book called playful parenting at the moment by Cohen - and I see you have just ordered it too. It's been really helpful for me.

Hi,
Is he tired? Just behaviour can really deterioate then. Does he nap still?

Sounds very normal... not that it makes it any easier. All I can say is at the end of the day have a really calm time yourself and sort out your own emotions so that the next day you don't carry anything over and can start afresh. They are hard work and you need to be at your best!!!

If you can try to detach yourself slightly from his emotions this helps.

Ah, another thought, perhaps he is having a testosterone surge and you can blame hormones!!! That would explain the aggressive behaviour.

Also, get a break from him when you can. Get Daddy or Granny to take him so you can see the wood for the trees and get back on track.

Good luck!

Oh yes, didn't answer your question. Yes, send him to his room. This is what we do with DS who is 4 and we started doing it from just over 3. The naughty step really didn't work for us and this works a dream (easier for both parties to calm down!).

Thanks for the advice/reassurance. There aren't particularly any triggers sky, I mean he's had low level sniffles for a while and it's hard to get out and do lots of fun stuff with this weather but tbh it's been going on for a month or so no, through health and illness, through good weather and bad. I think it is more of a hormonal/developmental thing - he's trying things out for sure to see what reaction he'll get and maybe it is a testosterone surge tgger. I did wonder because he has never been this aggressive before. He's mid tantrum now (after biting DH and then DH telling him he didn't want to play with them until he started being nice), so today at least I can leave them to it. I'm glad other people send DC to room too. I'd started feeling like a victorian disciplinarian but it does seem to be the only thing to work. A bit...

I dealt with this stuff similarly, but we tried not use their own rooms.

we had two main reasons for this: we'd rather they didn't associate their rooms with punishment, and there's lots of stuff to play with in there anyway.

If this is not possible, then keep going. Sounds like you're handling a difficult situation really well.

Hi Heathcliff, thanks for your reply. It does help to know that lots of people have similar problems. I did worry a bit about him having negative associations with his room, but that doesn't seem to have happened. And, because I am putting him in his room to calm down and protect myself from his attacks, having toys there has actually helped (just happened this way, I didn't plan it!) as when I've gone back in after a few minutes sometimes he'll be doing something requiring lots of calm concentration (like building a tall tower of blocks) and comes out in quite a different state of mind

Another one who could have written your post! Also with a 3 year old DS, who has been very aggressive and difficult recently - he's always been high maintenance, but this is quite out of character. I do quite a lot of threatening to send him to bed at the moment, which works a treat (I've never actually had to do it), but I do worry that it sends the wrong message about bedtime (not that it seems to have had that effect yet). I tried sending him to his room the other day, but as soon as I shut the door he became hysterical, and when I went back up a couple of minutes later, he'd wee'd all over the bed (not deliberately, I don't think). I felt dreadful after that.

Another thing I wondered was whether you have any other children? I had a new baby 4 months ago, and I'm sure DS1 has been worse-behaved since.

Not much advice to offer, because I feel I'm handling my own situation pretty badly at the moment, but just wanted to sympathise. I'm also guilty of the shouting and snatching thing, and although I haven't hit him, I do find myself picking him up or moving him away with unnecessary force. It's very hard discovering that you have a temper you never really knew you had .

Hi moose, thanks for your reply but sorry you're having problems too. Have you heard of the other book recommendations above? I have high hopes for them!

We don't have another baby, I had two miscarriages this year and we're trying again now. DH and I are probably a bit tense about it all and I am certainly quite emotional so it's very possible that he's picking up on the fact that the mood in the house isn't as good as it should be. That makes me feel even more guilty though so I think I'd prefer to blame it on hormones!

My ds was just like this. His behaviour changed dramatically when he went to nursery full time. I honestly think he was bored. I made sure I did something active with him every day, but I think both his body and mind were just too active.
I would try and physically tire him out a bit and then do as much ad you can with games, jigsaws etc.
I always resorted to a bit of tv, or a DVD. I don't care, it calmed him down!!
But I don't think putting him in his room is bad at all. Supposed to bea minute for every year old, yeah?

Should say, his behaviour got better at nursery.
I would second that " how to talk so kids will listen" at first I thought it would only apply to older kids, but it just gives you a better insight into how their little minds work. I find myself doing what they advise all the time.

Thanks domeafavour. At times I do think that his outbursts are due to not knowing what to do with loads of physical energy. But then again I seem to spend my days keeping him quiet and calm because when he does get physical he gets REALLY excited, virtually foaming at the mouth with excitement and then all hell really breaks loose. The thing is, he is even really difficult around other children (not at nursery, he goes 3 mornings a week and he behaves very well there) just when he's with me. When we're out he targets younger/smaller children and just jumps or them or lies on them squashing them. He's not much better with older children. It starts off with playful wrestling but soon descends into kicking and biting. I went to a soft climbing place the other day with the aim of tiring him out and left about 10mins later, in disgrace, after a biting kicking incident. He didn't want me to stay with him when he was playing but tbh it was packed and there were too many really little ones around for me to leave him near them unsupervised. I'm honestly wondering what to do with him this week as nursery is closed and it's just me and him. Play dates, as you can imagine, come with their own set of problems too. I'm making him out to be a monster and he's not. When he's lovely he's the best, but he is just so unpredictable at the moment and every situation feels like we're teetering on a cliff's edge of absolute chaos. I also use TV, particulary at the end of the day when he's tired. Don't know what I'd do without it. And that book really can't come quickly enough for me...

Oh Lucy, he sounds so similar to my ds. He just sounds so frustrated. How is his talking, does he communicate ok? How's his eating and sleeping?
It's just so exhausting, and if I ever tried to explain it to anyone they would say "well that's just boys"
stick with it, take lots if deep breaths, and practice counting to 10!!
I'm sure it's just another phase they go through, you will come out the other side.
Moose, my ds wet himself a couple of times on the naughty step!

Hi domeafavour, thanks for your reply, his talking is pretty good. After he has an outburst he can normally explain why he did it. I think he's still very impulsive and just hasn't learnt to deal with frustration/anger in a non violent way yet. He used to be more obedient generally, so this definitely coincides with the realisation that he has a choice and doesn't necessarily have to do what I say, but then that comes with consequences that he can't cope very well with (i.e. removal from a situation when he's being destructive/violent). I do feel we'll come out of the other side, it's just tough while we're in the midst of it! How old is your ds. Has he come through it?

Lucy, I'm sorry for raising a sensitive subject with you, and so sorry to hear about your MCs. All the very best for TTC this time. xx

I wouldn't say he's come through it but he is definitely better, I've just realised he hasn't been on the naughty step for a couple of weeks! Dh couldn't really deal with it, so felt like I didn't have much support. And also only just this week started to sleep through the night, but that had a lot to do with the amount of milk he was drinking through thenight! He was only 3 last month. Still has his moments, was a bit boisterous at a birthday party over the weekend and tonight he barged buzz lightyear into me a couple of times, and I had an airport experience from hell last week but he is tons better than he was.
He has just recently gone to nursery full time as I went back to work and he is doing great there. They comment a lot on his energy!! I am naturally quite laid back and have a lot of patience, but I have snapped a fair bit, but I think I just realised that it doesn't help at all, he didn't understand and I felt bad!
The only other thing I can think of is not to sweat the small stuff, pick your battles with him. If he is being told off for absolutely everything he I'd going to be annoyed and you are going to be exhausted. Just let the smaller things go maybe?

Hi elusive, please don't worry, you weren't to know and it might be a factor x
Domeafavour, they're about the same age then. My DS was 3 in Oct and this has been going on since the beginning of November. His sleep is very disturbed too so I think something is going on in his little head/body. I am increasing his hours at playgroup in the new year as he does need lots of stimulation. This week we are going to brave the weather and are going out on trains to see lots of museums with kids stuff going on. I'm determined to have a nice time with each other! And you're right, don't sweat the small stuff (I'm not naturally a very laid back person). I do find myself waking up geared up, thinking, what's it going to be today then, which really starts me off on the wrong foot. DH and I were talking yesterday about picking our battles more.
Thanks so much for all your advice x