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Behaviour/development

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One more chance before we let 10mth old cry it out

28 replies

mattDP · 17/12/2010 10:44

Hi,

Our second daughter will be ten months old next Tuesday. Her sleep was all over the place as a baby but at the age of about 3 months she settled into a routine: she got tired about 6:30pm and would fall asleep easily being rocked on my shoulder. She'd then wake up every 30-odd minutes until about 10-10:30pm after which she'd be awake once every 2-3 hours. Quite often - probably one night in two, on average, she'd decide to have a 2-3 hour period of being awake - but still obviously tired and exhausted - in the middle of the night. Each time she would only go back to sleep being rocked on my shoulder.

She's been like that ever since. And it's only my shoulder she'll sleep on: my wife couldn't breastfeed her back to sleep and she wouldn't accept her shoulder either. So the result is that in the ten months that she's been born I haven't been out of the house in the evening once. I've hardly seen any of my friends. I haven't even had a sufficient stretch of free time enough to watch a film in a single sitting in all that time. Often there's not even time to discuss important decisions with my partner, let alone enjoy any quality time with her. It feels like I come home from work, help put the baby and our eldest daughter to bed, help a bit with the tidying up and then spend the rest of the night trapped in the bedroom with the baby. It feels like my life is effectively over.

About 3 months ago we spent a week trying to teach her to sleep better on her own by putting her down when she was very sleepy instead of sound asleep. All we succeeded in doing was making her terrified of being put down: at the slightest sensation of being lowered into a cot she would be wide awake and screaming. We got - literally - no sleep for the week because we couldn't put her down. So we gave up.

Because she's awake so often and for so long at night I'm constantly exhausted. Recently, I lost my job entirely because I had been performing badly for so long thanks to sleep deprivation that my employer just couldn't put up with it any more.

I reached the end of my tether with this long ago but put up with it because I felt I had no choice. We never let our first daughter cry it out although she was a bad sleep (she was different - tough to get to sleep but stayed down once she was) and she grew out of it before the age of two. But I feel I can't put up with this anymore. So season of goodwill or otherwise she's going to have to cry it out over Christmas while our eldest is off school. However, I'm willing to have more try at solving this by putting some work in rather than just leaving her: given the circumstance, and the triple problem of frequent early-evening waking, long periods of late-night wakefulness and an insistence of sleeping nowhere but my shoulder, are there any particular techniques that you think might be worth a shot?

Cheers,
Matt

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Roo83 · 22/12/2010 19:41

That's a good point about caffeine....I'd never have thought of that

AngelsfromtherealmsofgloryDog · 22/12/2010 21:06

That sounds utterly hideous and you have my sympathies - you sound like a lovely dad to have given up so much to help your DD sleep. I can see why you're at the point of desparation.

I'd agree with getting her checked on the caffeine, and reflux. It might be worth checking that she hasn't got too much adrenaline which can cause long spells of wakefulness at night - there was a description of CarGirl's DD who had this on this thread

Have you had any tests done for allergies / food intolerances? I wonder if she could be intolerant to something your wife eats (similar to the reflux issue).

CC is really designed to get them self-settling so that they can get back to sleep once they wake between cycles. That might fix the waking every 2-3 hours.

But the frequent evening waking and being up for long periods in the night sounds like a different problem - I know lots of babies who wake after every sleep cycle (including my 11.5 m.o DS) but who don't do that. Usually the first cycle is 45 mins long, then 1.5-2 hours, so it sounds like there's something unusual going on in the evening.

How many naps does she have in the day? If she's not napping often enough and sleeping a long time, then that could be part of the problem.

I'd agree with JoinScotland's recommendation of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth. I dislike the patronising tone and I hate his one-size-fits-all cry-it-out approach, but it's worth it's weight in gold as far as nap scheduling goes IMO.

At that age, most babies are having a short morning nap and a longer lunchtime one. A lot of babies between 6 and 18 months end up on a roughly 2-3-4 schedule: first nap 2 hours after waking, second nap 3 hours after waking, bedtime 4 hours after waking. My DS wakes at 6.30, sleeps for 30-45 mins at 9/9.30 and then for 2 hours between 1 and 3pm.

If she is having a lot of daytime sleep she won't need so much at night so it might be worth trying for more frequent but shorter naps in the day (if she only has one nap now). Or if she already has frequent naps, try for fewer of them and perhaps shorten them too.

When my DS is overtired he will very often be awake for long periods in the middle of the night. It happens especially often if he misses (a) nap(s) during the day.

Being up for a long while at night is also something that often happens when babies are working on a developmental spurt (often called sleep regressions). In the run up to developmental spurts many babies wake more often, are harder to get to sleep and may be up for long spells at night (my DS always does this). Your DD is at just the age for this - there's a regression in the run up to a developmental spurt at around 46 weeks. I don't think this is the cause of her problems, but it may make them harder to solve till the 46 week spurt is past. There's more info on this here, here and here.

I think it's also worth working out whether you think she's a baby who releases tension by crying or increases tension by crying. There's a really good article on it here. CC seems to work better for tension releasers, without much trauma, whereas gradual withdrawal methods seem to work better for tension increasers. (However, there is likely to be more crying from a tension releaser if they're overtired).

I do hope you find a solution. Do keep us updated.

AngelsfromtherealmsofgloryDog · 22/12/2010 21:18

And IME 'settle and leave' doesn't work very well for tension releasers, whereas it seems to be more successful with tension increasers.

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