Timid, unsporty, unpopular 9 year old boy....Help!

[Nadder]

My DS has a great sense of humour, and aged 4-5 was very popular at school. Gradually he has become more timid and withdrawn (goes red if school friend says hi to him in a shop) and although he has 1 or 2 friends, is not popular.

He is smallest in class, probably least sporty and shy. I once encouraged him to join a football game at lunch time but no-one wanted him on their team so he was sent away. He spends most playtimes alone or at a chess club.

I am worried this is going to get worse and he will get bullied as he acts 'victim' quite a lot.

Any thoughts or previous experience appreciated!

Many thanks

P.S. Am trying to get him to take more interest in sports but not getting very far! Particularly tried martial arts as I heard they were good for building ocnfidence, but classes around here full of 4 year olds and he gets bored...

Instead of trying to make him different, more sporty etc, why not focus on trying to make him feel good about being who he is? Lots of boys don't play football. Why not focus on making friends at the chess club if those are people he has something in common with? Being "popular" isn't an aim in itself, having one or two genuine friends is more important. And being comfortable in your own skin is a far better defence against bullying than any amount of "fitting in".

What wonderful advice AMIS !! I only have children who are a lot younger but I don't think being popular necessarily makes a child content as they have a lot of friends that they need to keep happy rather than just a couple who are always there for them.

Have you asked him what clubs he would like to join - when we were younger we did everything but just stuck at the things that we really enjoyed. I was into music whereas my sister was a champion springboard diver - just need to find something that he really enjoys and makes him happy.

Hi Thanks for your response. I completely agree that popularity is not an aim, I just worry when he comes home and cries because he had no-one to play with because his 1 or 2 friends were playing football. Chess club is once a week so that leaves 9 play times when he struggles. He was even sent away from a group making a snowman!

He has one interest - and am delighted he goes - a Circus club where he has lots of fun, but not related to school.

Being "sent away from a group" sounds like the sort of thing the school needs to deal with - its one thing not making lots of real friends, but the children should not be "rejecting" someone from a group activity. That does sound like exclusion/ bullying.

I know my friend really worried about her DS when he was around this age for very similar reasons. He is 14 now and things changed dramatically for the better when he went to senior school. He found his niche there. There were more activities that interested him and a more diverse attitude amongst the pupils. This was the complete opposite of what my friend had anticipated. She thought he would be bullied and excluded even more but that wasn't the case.

HTH

Music lessons? Martial arts lessons? (For confidence, not revenge!)

It does seem as though your ds is having to do an awful lot of work to fit in with a bunch of children who don't deserve his friendship! Surely his "friends" who play football don't do that every single playtime? That doesn't sound like a brilliant friendship.

Is it a very small school with a limited range of personalities? If you help him believe that there is nothing wrong with being the way he is, he might have more success when he moves on to a bigger school with a larger selection of friends, provided said school does not tolerate bullying behaviour. And your ds's current school could maybe be working a bit harder to make children think about what makes a nice person. I remember having great football games at primary school, with boys against girls, etc, and everyone having fun, despite the fact most of us were absolutely hopeless... your poor ds seems to be stuck in a class of either rather competitive, or slightly bullying, children, from the way you describe it. Maybe that's unfair, but he certainly seems to be reacting to the behaviour he confronts as though that is the case, so obviously is having issues with his self esteem at the moment.

Thanks, that is all really helpful.

DrSeuss - he has tried 3 martial arts classes but tend to cater for 4 year old market here so never lasted long! I have heard they can really help.

Rabbitstew - it's a big school and I think maybe response is as much him as what is happening, as he can act the victim. Self esteem seems ok though, at least when he talks about himself ('I'm probably 5th fastest runner in my class', when not etc). His 'friends' do play football nearly every playtime, and I don't think they are 'brilliant' friends in any way, but enough that he occasionally invites them round!

I will try to work on his self-esteem and confidence.