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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

am i a bad mummy??

12 replies

MummyElk · 14/12/2010 13:23

So Elk was at playgroup today. I was busy getting her a drink when another mum approached me and told me that her little boy had been scratched by her - with a noticeable bleeding scratch on his face . She was fine about it and understood that kids do this but told me so "i could do something about it"

Thing is - what should I have done? I did NOT see the incident. I do not know what happened - and I find it very hard to discipline for something that i didn't see...

FWIW - i asked elk if she had hurt the little boy, she said yes, and i promptly hauled her over and demanded an apology. She wouldn't (she hates confrontation) and we ended up doing this whole Can You See I'm Disciplining My Child act purely for the other mother to see...

i feel DREADFUL. I hate the fact that she hurt someone. I feel like the other mum was judging my parenting. I felt like saying - But she's been hit and pushed and bitten by other children too!!
And I suppose I feel like i'm always punishing her, and that no-one except me sees the beautiful, charming girl that i see, who loves her sister and friends.

should i have done something differently?

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thisisyesterday · 14/12/2010 13:24

no, i wouldn't even have gone through the whole "you must say sorry thing" just for their benefit tbh

i'd have just said "oh i am so sorry, I'll have a word with her" or something and then asked the little boy if he was ok

Original poster

MummyElk · 14/12/2010 19:42

thank you yesterday you are right, i should have left it at that. think i was tired and too wobbly to cope

OP posts:

missorinoco · 14/12/2010 19:47

Above advice sounds spot on, I would have done what you did though!

Thinking about it, I would rather know my child had done this so I could keep an eye out for future similar behaviour, but hate finding out IYSWIM.

muslimah28 · 14/12/2010 20:44

i do think the other mum was being unreasonable but i also think theres nothing wrong with getting dd to apologise to the boy, you probably would have done that anyway had you seen it, its just cos the other mummy said 'do something' that you felt you were doing it for the sake of it iyswim

LoopyLoopsOfSparklyFairyLights · 14/12/2010 20:46

Why was the other mum being unreasonable? If your small child had been cut by another, would you not tell them to spare their feelings? Really?

Tgger · 14/12/2010 22:12

I think you were right in what you did, but perhaps you were a bit emotional and caught up in it rather than the calm, in control parent we all aim to be .

I think the fact your daughter doesn't like confrontion is no reason not to apologise. She needs to learn to take responsibility for her actions and you need to calmly point her in this direction. If you were firm, genuine, kind and calm when asking her to apologise (were you, sorry if yes, it just sounds like it was a bit of a performance the way you describe it) then I hope that she would respond and say sorry.

I get my DD to apologise to her bruv when she grabs stuff from him, esp if I've asked her not to. She has just turned 2.

The other parent does sound a bit holier than thow to be honest, but the main point is that she should apologise and then that's the end of the matter.

muslimah28 · 15/12/2010 10:37

loopyloops yes i would say something yr right, the implication in the op is that the other mum was saying the op shouldnt have allowed it to happen when really how could she know what was going on all the time- if that is right then that is what i meant by unreasonable. But we can never know exactly the tone and manner of the other mum to know what she intended or meant so it difficult to say for sure if she was being unreasonable or not. As tigger says tho, the point is that the dd should apologise regardless.

muslimah28 · 15/12/2010 11:58

dikkertjedap · 15/12/2010 12:11

I think you did the right thing. Maybe you can calmly talk about it at home, not just your dd scratching the other child but also whether other children have hurt her and why it is not good and what she could do instead if she feels upset and also if another child hurts her (e.g. to teach her coping strategies), also I would encourage her to always tell you if something happens (either if she hurt someone or someone hurt her). You are not the blame, you are trying to address it.

Original poster

MummyElk · 16/12/2010 13:28

hi all
thanks for your various responses - with a couple of days under my belt i think i probably was firm and calm about it, and yes, we did talk about it at home and she admitted she shouldn't have done it. We have let Father Christmas know about it so that he can act accordingly...
I think the thing I've worked out is - I take her to these things so that she can learn to interact with other children and work out boundaries (one of which she crossed on Tuesday) and so it's a learning process - for her and for me....I just WISH she wouldn't do things like that.
But still. It's done now.
Onwards!

OP posts:

wannabeglam · 19/12/2010 21:22

I had a grandmother come up to me in the park once to complain that my 4 year old had run into her one year old grandson. I said I was sorry to hear that and told my son off. She insisted he apologise. He refused. He felt backed into a corner and wasn't going to cooperate. I said I had told him off and I was sorry it had happened. She persisted. I told her to go away, she was frightening my son.

ReikiKen · 21/12/2010 19:13

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