Is she just shy? Or is there something else?

[clairefromsteps]

I have DTs (boy/girl) who have just turned 4. My DD is a lovely little girl, but she still has temper tantrums, mostly based around social situations.

She is very shy. This came as no surpise, as DH and I were both painfully shy as children. From about 1 year old, she made it clear she didn't like meeting new people, especially adults. Preschool have reported that she has recently started playing 'with' other children, rather than just 'alongside' them, which is great, although she does prefer more solitary pursuits (books, jigsaws). Again, this is very similar to me, so comes as no surprise. At home, she's very good, plays nicely, and is pretty obedient, although maybe one time in 100 I'll ask her to do something and she'll just point blank refuse. No amount of cajoling, bribing etc will bring her round and this often ends in a tantrum (and the naughty step).

However, when we go out, it's a whole other matter. If we go to a party (child's party or family party) she will insist on being carried everywhere by us, with her head buried in our shoulders and will sit like that all evening. This wasn't so bad when she was little, but she's getting too big to carry around now (she's very tall for her age and I'm pregnant again). Often it escalates into a tantrum and she insists on going home (we don't give in, just take her to a bedroom or wherever to calm down). Usually after a couple of hours she'll come out of her she'll enough to stand on her own, but rarely looks like she's having a good time!

A good example was this weekend. It was her and DS's 4th birthday party, and we had a dozen or so family members over - no one she didn't know and it was in her own house. He had an absolute meltdown and refused to come downstairs until the party was nearly over. The next day we went for Sunday lunch with DH's parents and she did the same thing in the restaurant.

Has anyone else had behaviour like this from their children? How did you handle it? I'm worried that we're approaching it wrongly and by carrying her round etc we're condoning it and giving her the attention she's seeking. Equally, I don't want to tell her to snap out of it and stop being a little madam if she's genuinely unhappy and it's going to traumatise her!

Any pointers would be gratefully received!

More intelligent posters will be along in a while, but I just wanted to say that we had a similar situation with DD.

How does she play with DS? Does she play with him?

In our case, things seem to be improving. But you might have to help her integrate. Our nursery were really helpful. DD didn't know what to do in social situations and still has to be told/helped through role play. Now she's a bit older, she is a bit more able to talk about her feelings and say that she's scared or doesn't know what to do (or that it is too loud for her, and so on).

I wouldn't force her into situations which scare her, but equally don't stop going to places because of it. Try to explain what is going to happen before it does, and support her as much as you can. (I don't think you'll make her into a little madam because of it.)

I cannot start to answer the question of whether something more serious is wrong from a distance (and even in person I think it would be difficult).

Good luck.

She doesn't seem attention seeking to me (not that I'm and expert, of course...) but just painfully shy and looking for reassurance from you in insisting on being carried round etc. Perhaps you shouldn't try to force it and just accept that she's like this and will eventually learn to come to terms with social; situations on her own terms. With the greatest of respect, I wonder if this is more to do with what you would like her to be like and the impact her "negative" behaviour is having on your own lives?

My DD is now 6 and is very much like your DD.

As a very quiet child myself I totally understand where my DD is coming from. She has really come out of herself now...but still gets insecure in crowds.

I avoid the term "shy"...s I think it has too many negative connotations. I prefer to see my DD as a "observer" or a thinker. Its more in keeping with the positive view that some Asian cultures have of the quiter people in the world. I feel that rather than try to "fix" DD it was for us...more important to fend off negative reactions to her feelings.

They canot help that they find crowds etc a little overwhelming...so I feel it's unhelpful to label them...it's a particularly Western way of thinking...that it is "better" somehow to be louder or outgoing. When in fact this is not the case at all.

What I have done with DD is to keep her Birthdays very small...now she is 6 she is fine with a party of her best 5 friends in a setting she enjoys such as a pottery cafe...she loves crafts. I also help DD understand her own emotions...by talking about how she felt in a bad situation...did the noise upet her? Or the crowd? It has empowered DD as she now knows why she feels awkward sometimes...because she likes space...and a little group...rather than crowds. I lean on the positive not the negatve. SO I don't say "DD is shy" I say "DD likes a bit of peace and quiet"

If others comment "Oh is she shy?" I say "No...she's wary of strangers" which is in my opinon a good thing.

My DD no longer clings...she is apparently popular at school and well settled...she did not speak for a year during nursery and reception...literally. Not one word to her teachers...only to a chosen few children.

Your DD has plenty of time to learn to cope.

DOn't apologize for her..she is only 4. If others think anything negative then that is their loss.

Thanks for the responses!

Chaotica - yes, she plays with DS fine, and also with her friends at playschool. She is generally fine with her close family, but even then she seems to get embarassed easily eg if I'm ever too effusive in telling her how lovely she looks.

Biryani - I honestly have no expectations about my kids and actually love the fact that they have such different personalities - the only real issue I have is with the tantrums.

ShanahansRevenge - thank you for your post, these are really great suggestions. Our DDs sounds pretty similar and I too was a very shy child so I can see where she's coming from.

Thanks again