Violent temper in 5 yo DS

[StainlessSteelCat]

My DS is 5 and in his first term in reception year. I was expecting tiredness and grumpiness at the end of the school day, and for this to get worse towards the end of term, but it's reached scary proportions. He was also ill last week (flu type bug) and this of course would add to his tiredness.

However. The last week or so he has become very short-tempered and violent when he loses his temper. Flashpoints can be anything, from him getting over-silly (running round the house, jumping on the cat) and being told to calm down, to him having to get dressed. We are trying to cut him some slack, but there comes a point when he won't behave, and we put him in time out. This is usually when he has repeatedly not done as he has been asked, or when he does something unacceptable, eg hit his sister, jumped on the cat. Time out invovles sitting on the bottom step of the stairs for 5 minutes, my reasoning being that this gives him times to calm down and also me to calm down! He's never been great at doing this, and it's always meant returning him a good few times before he stays there for 5 minutes.

Recently, he's started hitting out at me or throwing things (shoes are a favourite) or pulling stuff off shelves. This results in him being sent to his room - it's upstairs so generally away from everyone else - until he clams down enough to be talked to about his behaivour. Getting him up there is another major battle, and often more things thrown, ending up with me or my DP carrying him up there. We usually then have to hold his door shut for a few minutes. He has the mother of all tantrums in his room, tries to get out, and generally doesn't calm down!

Any ideas please? This has ended up longer than I'd intended, but I'm trying to give you the information to see what we're trying, so if there's something we're doing wrong/could try different please help! I'm basically worried he will seriously hurt himself or some one else if we don't find a better solution.

Is there any way you can anticipate the tantrums? Distraction can sometime work before the flash point is reached, but not often after. A healthy snack straight after school seems to help us - can even bring it to school to eat on the way home. (Sugar can just postpone the stress to once the sugar rush has passed.)

Some kids seem to play up more when they need more attention - often this time of year we are busier trying to get ready for Christmas etc and spend less one to one time with our kids. Because they would rather have negative attention than none this can cause the sort of behavior you have described.

Instead of a time out - a time in can help - so 5 mins sitting quietly together with you modeling the quiet calmness you would like to see from him.

Its sooooo hard to keep calm though and not start shouting yourself.....

My ds1 (5.5) is like this. This weekend he worked himself up into such anger for two hours that he threw his duvet off his bunk bed and urinated all over it from a height. I was so angry and appalled that I had to leave the house because I sorely wanted to rip his head off. Sigh.

However, I think you're right to just put him in his room every single time he misbehaves. He will calm down because he doesn't have limitless energy.

I also try to tell my ds1 in the mornings when he's still in his pyjamas (and I've not asked him to anything yet so no conflict at the point) what I expect of him.

E.g. "You are not going to shout and scream today, are you ds1?" Get nod or answer from him.

"If you need help or you want something, you will come to me and ask me for help, won't you? Because if you're shouting and screaming (etc), you will lose this toy or that toy." He then understands what will happen if he doesn't do as I ask.

It doesn't always work but it means that I've given him fair warning and he knows what is expected of him.

I've taken him to school in his pyjamas, emptied his bookshelves, taken away toys, given him rewards for great behaviour - tried everything but I suspect it is a long drawn out process of drip feeding disapproval and approval where appropriate.

Being rock solid and always carry out the reward / punishment you've promised is vital though. As is being able to put them in their room, walk away and ignore. If you have other dcs, focus totally on them. My two other dcs have been neglected in that sense and now I just give them all the attention if ds1 is playing up.

It's so hard and so stressful. I'm sorry that you've got this challenge too.

Thank you for the support! I don't know why it helps to know other parents have these problems, I wouldn't wish it on anyone!

The time in idea is worth trying - I know he often plays up to get attention, but the reason he's getting attention is often because something else has to be done then - like cook supper! But at other times I'll try it.

Winky - I've also tried "everything" - and it sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. When he gets angry, he doesn't care about consequences - I've even had him ask which toy I'm going to take away this time, and he then gets some ...Will definitely stick to my guns though.

Resolve has been stiffened, thank you. Feel like I'm on the right track even if doesn't seem to be going anywhere yet!

Just to confirm the "time in " theory.. my daughter used to drive me mad when i was trying to cook tea time, being really naughty and throwing food around.
From a book I got the idea of going to a sofa with her and spending a short time looking at a book. It worked for us. Good Luck :)

he sounds tired and stressed, ds is 5 and much the same. It came to a head at the end me last week. I reached for the 'how to talk' book. As soon as i started to acknowledge how he was feeling he calmed right down. Its hard when they're being horrible, and i am so guilty of shouting loudly at him. Its easy to forget they get tired and stressed too, especially when they've probably been good all day at school, they just need to vent when they get in. Things that have helped with ds are:
being nice to him as soon as we get in, preempting the drink/snack and ruthoi the telly on so he can chill out.
Putting his dinner on so he can eat around 4.30
giving him a running order of what is going to happen and when.
Sitting with him and watching a program together.

I still remember my mum sitting me on the kitchen worktop while she was cooking dinner.

I felt privileged to be allowed in the kitchen to "help" and yet she was keeping me away from her feet and hot pans/sharp knives etc.

Have now started to do it occasionally with DS (also 5y) and it really works. With him at MY level we have a good chat while I cook without him getting in the way.

We only have a tiny kitchen but can still find a small square for him. Looking forward to my big family kitchen once we move soon...

Feeding him raw carrots etc when preparing the veg also helps to keep him happy while I cook.

Hello, i had the exact same issues with my ds1 at beginning of term. He is more settled now. I havent got time to post much here but if you search for my threads it should appear.

I was also cutting him slack due to tiredness and i think this actually made him worse as he jsut kept pushing it.

What has worked is sticker charts, zero tolerance of agressive stuff. Throwing things means he doesnt want them and they go on the cupboard.

Also had a good read of the 'how to talk...' book. Defo helped my appraoch re not shouting and how to behave better myself.

I'm going to have to re-read that "how to Talk" book!

He's been better the last couple of evenings, although the epic meltdown on monday morning that prompted me to post in the first place may have used up his reserves of anger for a bit. I've definitely been trying to pre-empt any eruptions, but evenings are generally stressed here - I work 3.5 days a week and so three evenings he goes to after school club and we don't get home till 5:30 -6ish, and my 2yo DD is also demanding attention - so I'm trying to feed them both ASAP. He gets to zone out in front of the TV while I make some supper for them - I think at that point he doesn't really want any attention, so he gets attention from me or his dad later at bed time, chatting and reading a story with him.

Will keep going and keep the boundaries clear - but will try your other strategies as and when I can. I've also remembered the pasta jar idea I read on here a while back, will start that up again. And I'll go have a read through hairybabysmum's threads.

Thanks again for all your ideas. I really do appreciate it!

It took a couple of weeks for me to see results but he has been loads better (apart from this am, but hey ho, always the odd blip!).