Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

Original poster

DS and nursery issues...

9 replies

AliGrylls · 10/12/2010 09:35

Was not sure where to post as it involves quite a few issues.

Recently I started putting 18 month old DS1 into nursery one morning and one afternoon a week. I am a SAH and the reason why I decided to put him in a nursery is because I was pregnant (had baby 3 weeks ago) and because I thought it had got to the stage where it would be good for him to socialise a bit more with other children.

Anyway, initially he was fine with the nursery we chose. He didn't cry and I thought it was a really sweet place. Over time though, he has been crying more when DH/I drop him off and this morning even before DH had even parked he was bawling his eyes out. Apparently it took him ages to settle. By the time we go to pick him up he is fine and seems happy enough, although he tends to be quite tearful/clingy after we bring him home.

What I really want to know is, is this behaviour likely to be caused by something that is happening at the nursery (I am starting to have reservations about it - the staff aren't particularly engaging, the room is a bit pokey and there never seems to be anything going on activity wise); or is it more likely that it is the arrival of the new baby that is making him behave in this way?

I am thinking about taking him out if it is the nursery and finding some other solution. Advice is appreciated.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Simic · 10/12/2010 10:30

How long has he been in the nursery? How long has he been crying when you take him?.
If he's ok when you pick him up, that's a good sign. Obviously the arrival of the new baby will make him much more clingy and needing reassurance that you're still there for him.
Personally, I'd probably find out more about the nursery and what's going on there, yourself.
Try and talk to the staff generally about his development with them, how does he spend his time with them (at our - admittedly Montessori - nursery, we often have a chat when I pick dd up about what she's been doing during the morning). Have they noticed him being less settled?
At least like this, you'll get more of a picture of the staff and what is going on.
How will the nursery provide for his needs as he gets older (I know nurseries where the parents feel it's not great for the little ones but are very happy for the preschoolers).
But, if he's not happy there and they're not doing anything to interest him, look around for other alternatives.
My ds (23 months) has a childminder who is brilliant. She does wonderful things with him, she is really kind, loving and caring. She is a lot of fun. Both dh and I are absolutely in awe of how brilliant she is. Dd (5 and at nursery) loves her too. But, whenever ds sees her he says "no!" and turns away. I think it's more to do with the fact that when she is with him it means I leave him... When she's not there, he talks about her with adoration!

Simic · 10/12/2010 10:41

Sorry, what I forgot to say: why I asked how long he'd been there was, it seems that it's normal that at the beginning they find the new toys etc. interesting. Then at some point (eg. after 3 weeks) they realise that mum/dad keeps leaving them here and it's not just a temporary thing. Then they have a bit of a crisis. This happened with us with dd. We just had to start again from scratch with the settling in period, taking it very gently with her. They have to REALLY get to know the staff and feel that the place is their home from home. That takes much longer than adults usually think, IME. That, compounded by the new baby, could be what's happening here. But, I think whether there's a problem with the nursery itself is a second, rather unrelated question. You have to find out as much as you can about the nursery, about the alternatives and weigh that up against the upset in changing nurseries which would unsettle your son again...
We pulled dd out of a nursery which was really failing her (not enough staff AT ALL) and took her to a new, really lovely nursery. But, that really upset her - even though the new one was so much better than the old.

2catsand1rabbit · 10/12/2010 11:56

Mmm, I'm not sure. I know 18 months would be too young for my DS and I would take him out. I choose to use a childminder instead (home from home). But you know your child and situation better. Nurseries are really crazy/noise places for little ones.

wannabeglam · 10/12/2010 12:42

I'd say follow your instincts.

rubyblue · 10/12/2010 17:25

My HV gave me a good piece of advice which is to choose a favourite carer in the nursery (one you and/or ds like) and make a point of really talking to her everyday about your son and asking lots of questions. She then has to take more of an interest!
I think this behaviour is totally normal and is to be expected with the arrival of a new baby. Our ds is nearly 3 and had a really wobbly time at nursery (he's been going since he was one) when our dd arrived a few months ago. It lasted about a month and he seems a lot better now. Also, I try and spend time alone with ds and give the baby to dh. Having a new sibling can be an incredibly unsettling time for little ones.

rubyblue · 10/12/2010 17:29

Sorry, forgot to say that nursery care varies vastly and there are some good places out there as well as very mediocre, but it does take some experience as parents and your gut instinct. We took ds out of his last nursery as I was unhappy with the room, staff ratio and it just all seemed a bit mad and shouty. His new place is lovely, much smaller, children are in small groups with a carer and they do lots of lovely activities. So if you have the energy, ask around about other nurseries as well as childminders and go with your eyes newly opened compared to the current one. Amazing how much you will have learned about what is good and bad care.

Liluri · 10/12/2010 17:31

what wannabeglam said.
Trust your instincts.
I'd turn up unannounced during a nursery session and see how he's getting on.

Tgger · 11/12/2010 18:45

Trust your instincts. Completely understand why you put him in, but up to the age of 3 it's quite normal for children to have separation anxiety issues.

This doesn't mean you shouldn't leave them, but it makes their reaction understandable. As pp have said if they can attach to one carer and settle then they are less stressed and it becomes part of their routine.

I am having a bit of an issue with DD at the moment. She's just started nursery age 2. She absolutely yells when I leave her, but settles quite quick and has a great time there. The carers are lovely and the vibe in the nursery is great, so I am holding on for her to settle and not yell!! Fingers crossed it's soon......

At this age (up to 3 really) it's best if they can have a 1 to 1 relationship that they feel secure with and this obviously takes time and is dependent on the adult carers too.

Tgger · 11/12/2010 18:50

Forgot to say nurseries are exhausting places for little ones, with all the other children and activities. He could be clingy and tearful "just" from being tired.

Flip