he Just Won't Sleep unless in arms

[ItsAHollyJollyTee]

My son is 18 months the day after tomorrow. He was a fabulous sleeper until just before his 1st birthday when he had chicken pox. This has been followed by 6 months of one chest/ear/throat infection after another. His sleep has gone to pot.

We have always done the 'rock to sleep' method, I have never been able to leave him to cry and never needed to. Until he got ill I could even put him down partially awake and he'd go to sleep.

But now he just won't sleep unless he's either in our bed with either DH or I (we have a spare room so we've been alternating sleeping with him) or if he's in someone's arms. He will nap in his pram if I catch him just right.

We wait until we're sure he's asleep, heavy in our arms, dummy half out of his mouth, snoring. As soon as we stand up to move him to cot, he wakes up. Once in awhile we can get him down, but usually it's like tonight, where DH has been trying to get him to settle for nearly an hour.

Tonight he was left to cry due to my desperately needing a wee and DH being in the middle of something he couldn't just stop. Son cried for less than 5 minutes before puking.

What do we do now? We want our evenings back. We want to sleep in the same bed again.

I'm at the end of my rope. Anyone?

Oh dear, my son was the same, he is now 2. He used to cry until he made himself sick. It broke my heart and I told my hubby that i'd rather him sleep with us than be like that but DH said that it was affecting our relationship which is was because we weren't sleeping, becoming fraught through tiredness and bickering too, also no intimacy because always having DS inbetween us in the bed.

Anyway, we did controlled crying, or rather DH did because I was too weak. He sat upstairs in the next room to DS whilst he was crying, headbanging and trying to make himself sick with upset, it lasted five days maximum until he realised I wasn't going to him and then since then he has slept really well on his own and goes to bed well. Don't get me wrong, most mornings he wakes at 5/5.30 to come in our bed but we find that a lot better than him being in our bed all night.

Now we put him to bed at 7pm, sometimes he gets into bed and snuggles down, sometimes I rock him for 2 minutes until he then gets into bed fine or sometimes he cries for five minutes and then I go and tell him to get into bed but once that's done he's asleep til he wakes around 5 ish. My DH works away a bit so when he's away I let him come in with me at 5 but when DH is home he is strong and tells him to get back into bed which he does until around 7.

It will get a lot better it just takes strength. Your child would happily sleep with you all night every night, you just need to train him to sleep in his own bed on his own.

Stay strong. Your relationship with your partner needs your child to sleep in their own bed. Obviously if they are ill then it goes out of the window but on a daily basis it makes life so much better for everyone if you can get their sleep pattern sorted in their own bed.

DD was always put down awake to self settle until she spent a few spells in hospital with bronchiolitis, and then spent 6 months being rocked to sleep as, if left to cry, would throw up.

We used the Pick Up/ Put Down method.

Put child in cot, child cries, pick child up and soothe, when child stops crying, put child in cot, etc. If child is whingeing in cot, rather than screaming, pat back rhythmically as a heartbeat.

The first few nights were pretty ropy, but amazingly she began to go to sleep in the cot within 15-20 mins.

After a month or so, she began to take longer to settle (about an hour!), so I would put her in the cot, tell her I loved her and walk out. When she screamed I'd go straight back in and soothe then put her back down and walk out, etc. Within a couple of days she'd go straight to sleep!

We still have a few nights where she takes 20 mins or so to settle, but the majority she now settles immediately on her own.

If you want to know any more, feel free to pm me.

Thanks for the responses. I've actually tried what you've both suggested with no luck over several nights.

I guess he's just going to have to out grow it.

Just realized that sounded kind of dismissive and ungrateful. I apologize for that.

It just does seem we've tried everything and he just won't settle on his own.

I was hoping to hear of some new, miracle, get your baby to sleep instantly method!

Thanks again for replying.

Bear in mind nothing is an instant fix. You need to be consistent. If he knows that if he carries on long enough you'll rock him to sleep anyway, he's not going to settle any other way.

The first few nights of PUPD we were picking up and putting down for a good 2 or 3 hours. We just kept going because we weren't happy with the status quo and we wanted it to work. It probably took a week before she was settling in 15-20 minutes with us patting her back. Then 6 weeks before she was settling herself.

I guess it depends how determined you are to change things. If you try for an hour (or 2, or 3) and then give in, you're teaching him that he will get his own way whatever. You need to be absolutely determined and committed to what you're doing - and expect no sleep at all for a few nights so any sleep you DO get is a bonus!

I'd do controlled crying on an 18 month old.

PU/PD was a disaster with Ds1, it made him absolutely hysterical.

Colditz, if I leave him to cry, at all, he pukes. I am not willing to let him puke so I can get more sleep.

Galena, believe me, I've done what you said for days on end. No one got any sleep. Not me, not husband. Not son.

Also (and apologize for the drip feed) I have a chronic pain illness that is worse when I don't sleep.

And it's all a moot point as of right now anyway as he is ill again. His croupy cough is back and we are off to the GP today to confirm yet another chest infection.

Ds2 was puky when he cried too - he very soon learned the exact throat motion that would make him puke and get him is own way. And he was no older that 18 months.

I hope PU/PD works for you. But ds2 is 4.6 now, and if I hadn't learned to ignore the temper tantrum vomitting, he'd still be sleeping in my bed.

Thanks again everyone but he is indeed ill again with a double ear infection. So all sleep training on hold.

Maybe next year he'll be well for more than 3 days in a row and we can try again...

oh bugger bugger bugger.

Neurofen is very good for ear infections.

Thanks colditz. This is his, I think, 5th, in 6 months, so I know all the tricks!

At least he's having a nap at the moment. Fell asleep in his pram on the way home from GP. Been nearly 2 hours and normally I would wake him, but today I am just going to let him sleep.

You could try putting his cot on a slope and put him down as soon as he starts to drift off instead of when he's snoring. We've had a similar thing with DS (14 months) - very ill so slept on us. So I had to put him down drowsy instead. His cot is on a slope so it's more comfy.
If I tried to put him down when he was fast asleep, he'd wake up annoyed. When drowsy, he's less likely to protest.

Iggly his cot has been on a slope, off a slope, he's had a pillow and on a slope.

Trust me, I've tried everything short of putting on a disguise, going to a chemist who doesn't know me and lying about his age so I can get Medised!

NOTE: THAT WAS A JOKE!!!

DS spent the first 4-5 months sleeping on me and DH because he had terrible reflux. It took a long time to get him back in his cot (about a month) and we did that by putting him down drowsy over and over again (giving up if it didn't work but it did work sometimes and that's why we kept on).

I feel your pain!!

With the recurrent ear infections - could there be an underlying reason why?

And we tried PUPD. Big fail!!

No one seems to want to see if there is an underlying reason. I get 'it's because he's started daycare' and 'he's too young to do anything but give him meds'.

Great. But could you give him something to make him freakin' sleep?!?!

I did all the sleep methods. In the end I tucked them up with teddy, dummy whatever, said I loved them and goodnight...and left the room. I knew they were fine, I knew it was a battle of wills, I knew they were better off crying than me going off my trolley! DS was harder, DD was surprisingly easy.

You will find things will go to pot after each episode of illness, but when you know they're well and OK, you do it again.

I just thought I'd post and let you know what we did. This is definitely not everybodies cup of tea but it works for us.

My ds (who is just 2) was never happy unless bf-ing or asleep on me. He used to cry until he was sick if I tried to put him to nap in his cot (I only did that the once!!) I just decided to accept that this was my boy and to do what he needed. Many evenings he slept on my lap until I went up to bed with him. He always started off in his bed - we have always followed an evening routine - but maybe an hour later he would wake and, unable to settle him (and generally disheartened) I would bring him downstairs.

So now we have a double mattress on the floor in his bedroom. At night we read stories and then he gets his pillow and sleeping bag, I tuck him up and lay down with him, give him a bf then unlatch him and he goes to sleep UNTIL 5 am!!!!! (then I give him milk and get another couple of hours)

Which is superb!

I would heartily recommend the mattress on the floor thing - no putting him down - you just sneak off! Ds's sleep really improved around 18 mo - I hope the same happens for you.

All the best

I would push for a referral to a paediatrician or ear nose and throat specialist. They can do things like have grommets inserted to help the ear drain. You can also have painkillers dropped straight into the ear as better pain relief. Ear infections are nasty as you know so I feel very sorry for your DS!
There is some evidence that a dummy can cause ear infections - do you replace it regularly?
Until the ear infections are sorted I cant see how the sleep will resolve itself!

According to GP he's too young for grommets. He needs to be at least 2.

He has many dummies that are washed regularly and we just threw a bunch out and bought new ones.

Poor thing. Worth asking about the pain relief directly in the ear though?

That might be Iggly. For tonight, for the moment, he's actually asleep, in his own bed. And I only had to hold him for 1 hour 45 minutes!

BTW an hour of that was him 'chatting' at me. He doesn't actually talk yet, but he was babbling away! It would have been really cute if it wasn't so far past his bed time!

We get chatting here too! I think I keep DS awake by holding him when he's like that so will put in cot and stroke his back. Not always a success but sometimes!

Oh there are also sleep regressions around 13&18 months which will make sleep a bit crazy too. Plus teething!

ItsAHollyJollyTee sorry but I don't have any advice for you as I am in a very similar boat but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, I just keep telling myself, this too shall pass :)

One thing we have had limited success with is a soft music box, we have started putting it on while we are rocking him to sleep and then when he wakes during the night he is generally easier to settle when we put the music box back on.

Igglystuffedfullofturkey - you have just depressed me with your sleep regression at 18 months, sleep for DS can't get much worse!!