8 year old DS 'doesn't feel loved'

[worstmumintheworld]

Sorry, I have name changed for this (and it is long).

I'm really worried about my 8yo DS and feel that I and my DH are unknowingly causing him psychological damage through our parenting.

DS has always been very sensitive, a bit introverted and shy in large groups but generally a happy, affectionate boy with lots of friends. He is prone to lacking in concentration, at school, home, swimming, etc. Although he is doing OK at school, we often get told that he needs to be kept focussed on tasks (which the teachers say is difficult given the size of the classes). Homework has always been very difficult in that it takes him a very long time to complete work (whether that's reading, writing, maths), he gets very easily distracted. We have started him on additional tuition to help him stay on track as he seems to be lagging behind a bit.

The problem is that lately he keeps saying that he is silly and rubbish, that he hates himself, he wishes he didn't exist, that we should sell him, etc. We always try to reassure him that he is loved and is special.

Last night, he said he wished he had a knife so that he could kill himself. I was obviously very shocked by this and asked him why he felt this way and, after saying he didn't want to tell me as I would be angry (and after me reassuring him I wouldn't be) he said he didn't 'feel loved'. I am absolutely devastated by this. Again, I reassured him that he was the most important person in the world to us (along with his brother) and that all we wanted was for him to be happy. He said that we shouted at him a lot. I admit that after working all day, I find it very frustrating to have to sit and cajole/badger/nag/shout to get him to do his homework. If I left him to do it, it just wouldn't get done. But now, I feel that my behaviour (and my DH's if he has to help with the homework) is causing my son untold damage and I don't know what to do.

I would really appreciate some advice on how to reassure my son he means the world to me and my DH and that we love him no matter what (apart from just saying it - because we do that already but he doesn't seem to 'hear' it). I feel like the worst person in the world right now.

Ahh ds says this, i dont really take it too seriously to be honest.
I put little notes in his school bag "i miss you and love you TONS" that kind of thing, and in his school bag.

At bed time every night (Have done this since he was tiny tot) i tell him 3 things that have made me proud or smile that he has done that day. Its our 5 minutes just me and him (Or his dad) where we tell him lush stuff about himslef.

I make every effort to actually stop what i am doing and listen to him when he tells me stuff.

Loads of rewards and stickers, hugs....for nothing really, just kiss him or hold his hand.

Its something you have to chip away at

Sorry, under his pillow, or under his breakfast bowl..

Oh gosh my 9 year old DS1 is quite similar, quite sensitive and prone to big statements. Part of it is attention seeking, he does like you to know that he is there!

But also it is lack of self esteem, its a very fragile thing and DH and I have made a bit of a balls up to be honest. Finding ways of boosting his self esteem, find ways of showing that you are thinking of him maybe a favourite meal, magazine etc.. and also positive language not negative reinforcement of not doing homework but when he does it be very positive.

Make a space for him to talk, bedtime works for us and listen and don't provide advice. Sometimes when DS1 tells me about things then he says thats stupid, or if I did that that would work.

Lastly, don't overreact - maybe he has picked on something in the playground, a TV show - yes keep an eye on him but it will probably pass. DS1 said something similar about wanting to kill himself, it passed after a few days.

Easy enough to say not so easy to do when you are working, stressed, his younger brother is trying to disrupt things.

Thanks for replying. It's nice to know others have had this experience. It just makes me feel so awful, like I must be doing something really, really wrong for him to feel this way.

You both make a good point about making time to listen to him. It feels like we are on a constant merry-go-round of trying to get him to do stuff he doesn't want to do and he doesn't really get much 'down' time to just cuddle and talk (usually last thing at night when it's late and everyone's tired and frazzled).

Have you read any books about boosting self-esteem in children? Can you recommend anything?

I thought this book was good: www.amazon.co.uk/Highly-Sensitive-Child-children-overwhelms/dp/0007163932/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1291812911&sr=8-1

Actually made me realise that my DD isn't so sensitive - but that my DSS is. Think it helped me understand him a bit better.

I also do a bedtime 'best bit, worst bit' of the day. I go first, making my best bit about my DD but not my worst bit! Then she tells me hers. Works for us - might be one more chore for you and your DS but thought I would mention it.

Thanks Greeninkmama, I'll have a look at that. I'm definitely going to try the best bit/worst bit at bedtime and make my best bit about him.