What am I doing wrong?

[lolaismyfavouriteandmybest]

dd is 4 (has dubious diagnosis of ASD) and has tantrums, usually at bed time. Always triggered by her ignoring clear warnings that she is behaving in a way that is unacceptable and there being a consequence.

For example, she would not keep still while I was cleaning her teeth tonight. so I warned her I would stop cleaning them if she didn't co-operate, she didn't so I stopped. Cue wailing and throwing herself around demanding that I finish cleaning her teeth (she'd cleaned them, I give them a brush round afterwards to check them so they were pretty much fine) I told her calmly that she'd missed her chance but she could still have some stories read to her if she calmed down. Then we had meltdown.

She needs routine and predictable consequences so when she starts shouting and screaming I go downstairs to remove the attention that she feeds off. I try not to shout at her. I make noise to reassure her that I'm still there but I will not go back until she has stopped shouting/screaming/stamping/throwing all her things around. But she doens't seem to get this and screamed Mummy I need you for at least half an hour tonight. I try to be quick to reward when the screaming stops but three times as I went to her, she got worked up again and it set her off worse. she just gets so worked up she can't get herself out of it. She knows she has to be quiet to get me to come to her but can't see why standing on the landing screaming "I AM BEING QUIET MUMMY" doens't have the desired effect (she is bright as a button when she's not tantrumming and we've talked about it when she's calm to try to help her to understand why shouting and screaming that she is quiet is not working for her)

She loves chosing a toy to take to bed (along with her comfort items) so I have tried removing this privelige. (I never make her have nothing) I have also tried confiscating toys and making her earn them back with good behaviour. but when she gets the red mist cause and effect have no meaning to her.

When she trantrums in public it's worse as I can't remove my attention so it lasts even longer and she gets very violent.

I need a better coping strategy but what?

Watching with interest, I have a 4 year old DD who does exactly this, in fact you could be us as it all sounds so very familiar. In fact SHE sounds very familiar, especially the predictability/routine stuff. Like your DD, she doesn't seem to know what to do with herself when in the middle of a meltdown, and often will make herself sick (on purpose), I think to bring an end to the whole thing as she knows she will get attention of some-sort that way. (very hard to ignoor a vomiting child, especially as an emetiphobe)

Sorry, not much help really, as we do the same as you. One thing we have tried is counting to three, which has had more sucess than anything else we've tried. For example, the teeth brushing thing - I would warn her that I was going to count to three, and if she didn't keep still, I would stop brushing them.

We also try to give her fair warning of what is going to happen, and count down. In fact, she likes to start the day with a run-down of what we are doing, and when! For example, I would say, "in 10 minutes we're going shopping, so you will need to stop playing with XYZ and find your shoes...in 5 minutes we're going shopping, you'll need to put your shoes on" etc. This definately prevents tantrums in the first place.

It seems to go in phases, though. She can be fine for weeks and then have days of seemingly non-stop tantrums. I've partly put it down to her having a new brother this year (8 months) and am hoping it will pass, as the whole family find it very upsetting, especially my poor DD.

I'm sorry if all this is stating the obvious, I hope someone will be along shortly who can offer some more useful advice, I'll be watching! Just to say you have my sympathy. Good luck!

Is she an only child or does she have a younger sibling?

Does she get 12hrs sleep at night?

Does she have anything that can cause hyperactivity - low sugar squash contains aspartame which can do this, red food colouring and some other E numbers. Boiled sweets, even lots of sugar because they crash afterwards. Tantrums can sometimes be a sign of low blood sugar and hunger.

You have said you threatened to not do her teeth - they need to be cloeaned so this is not negotiable I may have said keep still or there will be no time for a story.

Consistent time out with 1 warning first - not just don't do that but i.e. What they are doing and why you don't like it. Try to understand the reason for the behaviour and the intention, think about what you have been doing and whether she needs attention. Pre-empt it and distract before it can escalate.

in answer to you questions Captain, she is an only child, she will not drink anything but milk and water and hates all pure sugar sweets (yes she is a real child and no she is not perfect! see above) she would happily gorge herslef on chocolate if allowed to do so but it sends her loopy so she gets carefully controlled doses.

It's funny but the threat to send her to bed with dirty teeth has far more impact than denying her stories or TV or taking away toys. I think she's missed out completely only half a dozen times in her whole life and the dentist has no concerns. Also she doesn't appreciate why a problem at teeth brushing should lead to issues about stories etc. she sees them as seperate issues I think.

nellymoo I posted this on the the SN board too and I have had some responses there you might want to keep an eye on too.

We have done the counting down from three thing since she was very little and it worked well until recently because she knows that I and the other people who count mean what we say there will be a consequence if she doesn't comply. Now it seems (at times) that she doesn't care about punishment. THank god she hasn't worked out how to make herself sick! That must be hard.

I'm coming to the conclusion that most of her meltdowns are triggered by sensory issues. (the other cause is attention seeking) I don't think I'm being sensitive enough to how much she hates being pulled about. I guess I still treat her like a baby sometimes. Add to that she has not been well recently, I have just spent 2 weeks travelling for work and we are under a lot of pressure as a family at the moment as DH is being made redundant. All this can't have helped so she's probably feeding on my anxiety. SO i'm beginning to understand what sets her off and to modify or distract.... I'm not going to say we've turned a corner but things have been better for a few nights t least.

But no matter what there will always be something that sets her off. my mum thinks I need to wait another year or so for her to have the emotional maturity to understand that tantruming isn't working. (I really hope it's not that long!)