is it too late?

[beverleyrhyl]

sorry for the self pitying post in advance.. have changed names as so embarrassed to write this post :(
i feel like i dont like my son anymore
i feel like hes not the child i ever wanted to parent.
i look at friends with girls who like to sit and read and learn and stuff and i wish i had that...
i feel like i spoiled him too much with material stuff and now he has no enthusiasm for stuff/doesnt appreciate stuff....
i feel like he doesnt wanna do the simple stuff like draw, read, paint cos i did too much flash stuff with him and he expects it allthe time :(((((
hes almost 5
have i ruined it all ?

No you haven't.
Everyone looks at other people's kids and think they are so much better behaved or grateful or earnest etc. We never see the whole picture.
If you feel you have overdone the treats then just gradually cut them back. He is still easily within an age range where this can be done without any disaster striking.
Teach him to appreciate things - the kids who do are taught it, it doesn't just happen on its own.
If you want him to draw sit and draw with him but maybe this is not his thing. Maybe his thing is baking or building or sport or gardening. Not every child is the same.
We all have times when our kids are not the kids we want to parent or they bring out the parent we don't want to be. You don't get anything for nothing though. Sometimes we have to make the hard decisions which they may feel are unkind but which are really far more in their favour than they can understand at their age.
Slowly and gently make him aware of how little some kids have and encourage him to do something to help them rather than always making him the focus of attention.
I am sure things are not as bad as you fear and you only need to make a few gradual changes to turn it all around.

bump for more help?

don;t really have advice as DS is only a baby still but just wanted to say ((hugs)) and yes trying to find other things he enjoys might be good?

Firstly - stop idealising girls. Sure, many girls like to read and draw etc, but just as many like to run about and talk about poo and bums.

Try and get out and engage with him - kick a football, throw a ball. Take him swimming and throw him about a bit. Watch him jump in and give him loads of praise.

He doesn't want to learn stuff because he maybe senses pressure from you. Try and just "be" with him in the moment rather than worrying about the future. Wrestle with him and tickle him (if he likes it).

I like this book :

Playful Parenting - it makes you look at what playing means to children and to find ways to be more playful yourself (I'm not naturally that good at playing). It is also good at helping find playful ways round confrontations. Humour goes a long way to diffusing situations.

I've got 2 boys, BTW

Neither of them were into drawing until they went to school. And neither of them have ever been into painting except at school. Both liked playdough better, or we used to put rice or lentils on a deep tray and they'd play with their cars and diggers on that.

And is it possible you are depressed? Children are very sensitive to their parents emotions. His lack of enthusiasm could be mirroring yours (been there)

Hello,
Hope you are feeling more positive. I would concentrate on you rather than him. THat's something you are in control of . As pp said, perhaps you are a bit depressed, or at least low. If you can cheer up a bit, chances are your whole relationship will change.

Just tweak the way you do things and find things that he loves doing- just try different things till you hit gold. Some stuff that you can engage with him whether it's kicking a football, playing imaginary games (my son is into this), making up stories, cooking, exploring outside.

If he's used to exciting stuff then he may moan a little bit if you tweak what you do but if you present it in a positive light and you yourself are really into it, he will probably soon come along for the ride.

Good luck!

i am a bit depressed. im on meds...
i feel like im really rubbished at play. especially imaginative stuff...

Oh me too - you have all my sympathy. plus littledong has turned into his own evil twin lately and I feel like he is pushing me to the very limit, all the time, every day. I'm struggling with keeping my patience with him.

I agree about boy play being very different. We (DS and I) have sword fights with long spongy pipe insulators (no body blows allowed, just pipe on pipe)- he loves it (so do I), and then there's bikes, playgrounds and stories about dinosaurs or pop up books about mammals. Very different to DD but not without some cross-over. He doesn't like the idea of doing baking or colouring-in together so much, but will suddenly draw dragons or faces for about 45 mins on his own.

I think you just have to try to let go of the wish that they were different (I mean in personality/interests, not behaviour) and try and be where they are. If he's watching telly, sit with him and talk to him about what's going on. Choose a film to watch and snuggle up.

I 'm a bit crap at imaginative games, but you can do simple stuff like taking the cushions off the sofa and building a "den" - most DCS like this. Wrestling is a good releaser of tension as well.

thanks everyone so much for your help...theres so much practical stuff in there i can use im really really greatful

im ashamed to admit that im worried about tomorrow as itll be the first Sat in ages its just me and ds and we have no money and no plans. im soooo pants at playing indoors all day

don't stay in all day

a trip on the bus, walk in the woods, trot to the park/beach

'paint' your outside house walls/fences with bubbly water and a big old paintbrush, wash the car

bake flapjacks/wee cakes, decorate/ice biscuits

scissors, paper, old catalogues, glue

it's hard when you are not in the 'habit'