how to deal with (extremely) fussy eaters?

[cariboo]

Help. My dd (10) and ds (7) have become so fussy that every meal is agony. Potatoes, beans on toast, sausages, shepherds' pie, roast chicken, any cooked vegetables are all refused. I have to threaten and force them because if I ignore them, they just won't eat anything at all. They are perfectly capable of skipping several meals without seeming hungry. They do drink lots of milk.

They like pancakes, beefburgers, spag bol or carbonara and tacos. And that's it. I know I'm a good cook, so it's not the taste. I also know the dc are unhappy because h and I are divorcing. But I can't help that - many kids are living through divorce (I know how hard it is because my parents divorced) - and they simply HAVE TO EAT. What do I do?

Serve only water and they get milk after they have eaten their dinner.

They will not starve.

Sympathies on the divorce. It's hard on all concerned but in a year it'll be over and you'll start getting your lives back together :)

Could you make them cook btw?

I bought two stepping stools from Ikea so they could choose and help make their own meals but after surfing through child-friendly recipes, they think everything is 'disgusting'.

They sound horribly spoilt but they're not like that. I was brought up very strictly and although I don't spank them like my dad did me, I'm very firm. People comment on how polite and kind they are - my dc are lovely!- but with eating, there's no solution. They don't eat at school, either. I'm truly desperate.

And they know you are desperate. What happens if you give them two choices or say 'X you decide tonight and Y you decide tomorrow from this list of things and then it's up to the other what you get so you can't whine at me'?

Since there are some meals they do eat, which are not too unhealthy, could you stick to those at least for the moment? obviously with as many veg as they will eat where possible (maybe add nuts and seeds as snacks, if they eat those, for vitamins & minerals?)

It sounds like this may be a temporary phase that will end at some point once life is more settled for you all. Until then it really won't harm them much to have a pretty limited diet. Having grown up as a fussy eater (with an even fussier sister) I know there really is no way of making a fussy child eat something they don't want (at least without a disproportionate amount of stress).

Yeah, that sounds good, wmmc. I just had a chat with them and both are sorry this problem is making me so sad. Their dad's away on business so it's a bit easier - we don't have to deal with the tension at mealtimes when he's away. Tomorrow we're going to put together a list of what they like and try to work something out.

Still, any suggestions would be so appreciated! I need all the support I can get during this terrible time.

Make them pancakes, beefburgers, spag bol or carbonara and tacos and let them drink milk.

There's enough going on at home at the moment. Don't turn meal times into a battleground.

They don't sound spoilt. Lots of children are like this about food. It's a way of testing boundaries.

The fact that it's got worse recently, and their ages (not typical for developing fussiness) suggests that this is about the divorce.

Let them eat what they like and remember that they won't starve themselves.

They really won't. But they won't start eating to please you. The more you push, the more they'll refuse.

At least they are old enough for you to discuss it with them. I have a recalcitrant four and 2 year old to contend with who would gladly live solely on chocolate or orange juice in one case and baked beans and porridge in another

Don't get too het up about anything in the next few weeks. Just wait a bit. Things will change as the divorce goes on and you really need to save your ammo for when you really need it.

You could try the 'menu for the week, pick anything you like but that's what we have for the week, if you eat tacos today, tomorrow you have to pick something else'.

Good luck btw, divorce is horrible.

Thanks, minipie and spidookly. Both of you have more or less the same advice and I suppose now is not the time to be making issues. Mealtimes are a battleground; now so bad (when h is here) that I can barely eat myself.

whomovedmychocolate, you are so right. This divorce is the worst thing I've ever lived through (and believe me, there have been some very, very bad times!) but I know it has to be survived. There's no choice.

hiya i have just read your story with much interest. I myself can empathise sincerely with u at this time. My ds decided that he would only eat pureed veg and mash for a very long time.
i weened him as a baby 2 the book and did everything they told me 2.
So wen he decided 2 only eat mash n veg i felt like a failure.
I cannot count the times i have been sat at the table trying to force him to eat other foods and crying and begging him 2 eat.
Like you said he would just simply not eat if i never gave him mas n veg.
He saw a dietician and they told me to simply feed him what he wanted.
perhaps a vitamin for the time been would help.
I so hope u will get through this difficlt time. Take care x

Children have very limited control over their lives and when something as disturbing as a divorce is going on, they will find a way to gain control over something and I reckon they are having a go with the fussy eating.

Both my DD's although astounding good eaters turned into nightmares during the separation from their Dad and one in particular tried it all the time with eating.

I agree, within reason feed them what they want but I perosnally would not get too into discussing this with them and negotiating about food. Serve it up, don't get into an argument about it but I would try 80 per cent of the time to give them what they want but do persist with offering other things, they will not starve but allowing them complete control over this emotive area is setting things up that you have to undo when they are older. I did this with the picky DD and it did pass and she eats really well now, I really think she needed me to take control.

I found that when I did get into arguments and dramas at mealtimes and they were sort of self perpetuating and really unpleasant for us all. I knocked in on the head, stopped negotiating and just took control of the situation and it did pass.

And so sorry about your divorce, even in the most civilised situations its dreadfully hard for you all and you really have my sympathies.

I was older than your dcs (16) when my parents got divorced, but it really affected my appetite - I didn't really feel like eating much at all. Not out of being attention seeking, I just didn't feel like it.

Perhaps if mealtimes are really tense with your H around could you eat separately?

sympathies and best of luck with it all.

woolmindy u have hit the nail on the head :) when i got into disscussions with my ds i found it unhelpful and upsetting all round. Oncei took control fed him what he like but still offered other food mealtimes became a joy again.

My ds is now eating a full an varied diet mealtimes are no longer a battle ground and smiles all round.

Thank you! You are so, so right. It IS a control issue! Poor little things, they have absolutely no say in what is happening to them. My own parents divorced when I was 5 and it took me most of my life to get over it. Never any issues with NOT eating myself - more like eating too much! My mum was always on a diet, even though she was painfully thin, and forced me to restrict myself to cottage cheese, carrot sticks, celery... I remember using my pocket money to buy as many sweets as I could and stuffing them down in secret.

Fortunately, ds' school offers cooking classes and I've signed him up, much to his delight. He's so excited. Forget footie or judo; my boy wants to learn how to COOK.

Cooking (deciding what everyone will eat) = control.