Are parents reponsible for their child's self-esteem?

[steffee]

Just wondering.

DS1 is a very anxious little boy and always has been. His younger brother and sister are not like that, full of self-confidence, very happy (ds1 is happy too, just a little 'worrier').

"All babies are born with boundless unselfconscious self-confidence. They aren?t born feeling inferior or superior. They?re just themselves. They?re also born interested in the people around them. They watch what these people say and do, and draw their own conclusions about what they experience." According to Mind

Is it fair on parents that almost every behavioural/attitude/self-esteem problem is blamed on your childhood and your parents? And how do you feel when faced with the task of bringing up kids only to have your efforts thrown back in your face at some point down the line?

I find it very daunting!

Theyve just nicked that idea from Larkin havent they.

Sorry been reading a bit more and I dont agree with everything they have said at all. the premise of this seems to be that children are born as empty vessels and everthing we do to them affects them in one certain way or another and that is jsut not true.

Wht we as parents nee to do is to try a assess our children needs wnts talents and faults adn to adjust our parenting to give them the best start in life that we are able to. But we are only human too after all.

God I really need to start previewing dont I

I know what you are saying steffee, but I do think parents have a lot to do with it. I would say that, like a lot of things, it's a case of a bit of nature and a bit of nurture.

I was a very confident child when I was younger. In fact I was slightly overconfident. My mother thought I needed bringing down a peg or two and spent the next few years criticising me and belittling me. I hit puberty and it all went downhill from there. I now suffer from a serious lack of self-esteem which affects every sphere of my life and yes, I'm afraid I do hold my mother responsible, at least in part!

I'm now at great pains to make sure my kids don't go through the same. Of course it won't guarantee that they have great self-esteem, but it will help.

Yeah, we are only human, and if it's true, we've also got 'problems' stemming from our childhoods, as have our parents, and their parents etc etc, so if that theory were true, each generation would become progressively more screwed up than the one before... oh, but that's another thing that gets discussed...

This Be the Verse by Philip Larkin
They f*ck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were f*cked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were sloppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Bit late for us to be taking that advise now tho isnt it?

Very interesting question steffee, and I guess the answer depends to some degree on your own personal experience.

My sister would say yes totally - and has blamed my parents for virtually everything that hasn't worked out in her life.
Me... well I'm not so sure.

I think parents have a major role (obviously) and can seriously affect a child's development, but as that child grows into an adult he/she has to accept responsibility for him/herself.

Sometimes it's all too easy to 'blame the parents' for the mess that you yourself have created Iyswim.

Have you heard the poem by Philip Larkin? Oh just realised, that's what tarantula was referring to, i thought she meant Pop Larkin!!!!!

It goes(from memory):

This be the verse

They f* you up, your mum and dad
They may not mean to, but they do
They give you all the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were f**d up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats
Who, half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on mystery to man,
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out, as quickly as you can
And don't have any kids yourself.

Yeah, Miaou, I agree with the nurture/nature mix. I was a very confident child too. I wouldn't say my parents encouraged it, nor did they put me down. They made mistakes like all parents but I don't resent them for it. My confidence and self-esteem has come from a rotten controlling relationship, but then I don't blame that person either. Well, I do blame him, but I don't resent him...

But anyway, if parents are responsible for their child's personality, then there's something I can do to turn ds1 back into the "unselfconscious self-confidence" he was born with.

Rats, I was so busy typing it in I didn't bother to refresh!!!!

Adrian Mitchell did a lovely alternative version, 'they tuck you up, your mum and dad'

lol, no I'd never heard of that poem before!!

They tuck you up, your Mum and Dad
They read you Peter Rabbit, too.
They give you all the treats they had
And add some extra, just for you.

They were tucked up when they were small,
(Pink perfume, blue tobacco-smoke),
By those whose kiss healed any fall,
Whose laughter doubled any joke.

Man hands on happiness to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
So love your parents all you can
And have some cheerful kids yourself.

Steffee, I would say that thinking you can "do" somehting about his self-esteem (which kind of suggests solve a problem, if there is one) is fraught with danger - you will end up feeling terribly guilty if he grows up to be not as confident as he would like to be, whereas that may jsut be down to his personality. However if you see yourself as a "facilitator", helping him to be the best person he can, then you will both be able to look back and say you did the best you could, which is success in itself. IMHO .

lol steffee, love the happy version!!!!!

Brilliant poes Steffee I really liek that. I agree too with Miaous last post twas very wise.

Gotta fly now home to dinner I hope.

Thanks Miaou. I didn't mean to suggest I thought he was a problem that could be solved... that's good advice!!

I can only speak from my own experience, but I know that my lack of self-esteem comes from my parents, and particularly my mother. She was abusive both physically and mentally - she was violent, and she called me a lot of nasty things when I was growing up. I was also sexually abused by my grandfather, which didn't help, but the very worst thing was my mother's mental abuse because that was constant. I have very low self-esteem and very little confidence in myself or my own abilities, and I really do think that most of that is because of the way my mother behaved towards me. When you hear a dozen times every day that you're useless and a nasty piece of work, and when your every achievement is scoffed at rather than enjoyed or celebrated, it doesn't do much for your self-esteem.

Even now my self-confidence is almost non-existant, because after so long of listening to my mother, I can't believe anyone who says nice things to me. Even though I know she was wrong, spending over 20 years being told I was useless still affects my confidence today.

I'm sure you're right that nor every behavioural or attitude problem can be blamed on the parents, but I know from experience that many of the problems which stem from low self-esteem can.

Yes sorry steffee, I didn't mean to make it personal, and meant to reword it as "if one does x" etc, but pressed post by accident (currently referee-ing an argument between dd1 and dd2!)

No, Miaou, I just realised I worded it to sound like a problem I could sort out, not that you implied it lol

WWB - I'm sorry to hear that. I think this thread has started a bit wrong. I do think many problems with self-esteem, as you rightly point out, come from parents. They can also come from teachers/friends/siblings/relationships in later life too, and people are affected by it.

But in ordinary families where there isn't ridiculing/putting down or even more sadly in many families, violence, are parents to blame for everything? E.g. because I'm shy and non-assertive, will my kids grow up to be like that? I hope not.

pocketpig

eh???

Sorry, steffee, misunderstood.

I'll get my coat

Just read your post wigwambam and i think we have the same mother.
I have never in all of my life met any one with a mother like mine...until now...you.
Can i ask how your relationship is with her now?

Donbean, she has a selective memory and refuses to acknowledge that she did anything wrong. She now tells me that it's wrong to call a child names because it's bad for their self-esteem, blah de blah, and constantly tells me how much patience it takes to bring up a child and how damaging negative comments can be. She wants to be my best friend, I want to keep my distance.

I have never pointed out exactly how much damage she has done, although my sister has, and my mother was terribly hurt and affronted when my sister told her that she thought all of my and her problems (I suffer with depression, my sister has other mental health issues and a drink problem) were my mother's fault. I'm still too scared of her to tell her what her behaviour did to me.