should I leave my baby in the creche?

[vivie]

I'm a pretty happy full time mum and I would like to leave my 9 month old son in a creche a couple of times a week. I left him twice a couple of weeks ago and he cried some of the time and played okay some of the time, and then he was poorly and he didn't go for a week or so. I took him again this week and as soon as we went into the room he became hysterically upset, screaming and crying, and if I put him down he got even more upset, reaching his arms out to me. I was shocked and upset by his reaction and obviously couldn't leave him.
(By the way, I don't think for a second that the carers at the creche would've hurt him in any way. It has a very good reputation etc and some of the children are there several whole days a week.)
I stayed with him for an hour and by the end of that time he sat on one of the carers laps for a few minutes without crying. Yesterday he seemed a little calmer, but if I sat on the sofa a few feet away he got upset and cried, although he did play for a short time without me right by him at the end of the session.
Am I wasting my time taking him - will he ever get used to it or even enjoy it? They have some lovely toys and I had hoped that he would enjoy seeing other children and that it would be good for him to have time away from me occasionally. Am I being selfish leaving him? I would love to have a bit of time for myself without having to rely on family. A swim or a haircut would be nice! I also feel that I should have some options in case I was ill or something. Should I just leave him, and let the staff take care of the tears or will this just traumatise him for life?! Is the gradual approach better?
Thanks!

I feel sure that leaving him for a few hours once or twice a week will do him NO harm vivie, and will probably do him good (more sociable with other babies, learning a little independence etc.). My DD has gone to a childminder 2 days a week since she was 7 months old and although she went through a clingy/whingy stage at first(including one horrible day when she screamed for an hour - I rang to see if she'd settled and could hear her yelling in the background), now she loves going there. She still sometimes fusses when I hand her over but by the time we've got to the front door she is smiling and waving to me. I think babies this age are quite clever and know that we mums can be victims of guilt!

Think of the benefits to you too of some Me Time - and because you've had some time away fom ds you will appreciate him all the more when you see him again.

Go for it - it will be vile for a few times but it will be worth it in the end. You could always leave him just for an hour or so to begin with and ease him (and you!) in gently.

Let me know how you go.

Kids go through these phases. I don't think the gradual approach works most of the time. As hard as it sounds, I would just leave him there close your eyes and ears and run. I can guarantee he will have stopped crying before you've left the street. And more importantly he will have a lovely day. And even more importantly he will have an even nicer time when he sees you because you will be fresh and rested because you have had a break. I think you will have to try to be much worse if you really want to traumatise him for life.

It sounds like he's going through the separation anxiety stage. Mine did this about the same age.
It does take some time for them to get beyond it, but if the creche is a good one then it shouldn't take too long.

DS started at nursery two days per week when he was 9 months and he clung to me and cried the first few times I left him. This was awful for me but I trusted the nursery nurses and when I rang an hour or so later, they assured me that he settled not long after I left. Out of sight, out of mind sometimes
He loves it now. Loves the other kids and all the different toys.

It's probably just a passing thing for your DS and I think you should persevere for both of you.

vivie, I like you ama SAHM and I put both my sons in a creche a few times a week for an hour at a time. My oldest DS (now 4.5) has always been happy and excited about the creche but my youngest DS (14 months) has never been keen on being left. When he was a small baby it wasn't too bad but we did go through a particularly clingy stage when he was about 9 months or so, he was just getting over this when both my sons got chicken pox one after the other and then I was unwell so he was not at the creche for a few weeks and he is now worse than ever. I find it so upsetting when I leave him and he is screaming the place down but I really trust the carers and I am always told that he settles well once I am away so we are persevering as I feel it is important to have a break and do something that I enjoy doing without the kids.

I don't know if any of this is any help to you but just to let you know that you are not alone and that if I was you I would persevere, it probably is a stage (my DS2 was getting so much better until he got chicken pox). Hope the situation gets better soon for both of us!

Yes, I'd persevere too - 9 months is classic separation anxiety time. And so many babies settle very quickly once the mum has actually left. I do think in the long run putting him in the creche for a while each week will benefit him as much as it does you - and will make it easier for you to leave him with babysitters if you need to.

I like you am a happy stay at home mum. When my DS was 18m we decided to put him in nursery one pm a week (am has since proved better, as has two sessions) as we have no family locally and he was not used to being away from me. Like your ds he cried he screamed etc. I found it was best to just dump and run he was always ok when i got back. We have gained a babysitter out of it and i know she tells me the truth he is fine even the days when he cries when i leave him which are getting fewer. He missed quite a few due to illness etc and that always puts you back a few weeks.To give a perfect example he cried the other week and i stood out of eyesight talking, within 30 seconds he had stopped crying and was playing happily. He does some wonderful things there and is happy he even greats me with excitement. It really is worth it. To turn 360 degrees though i recently read a book called raising boys and it stated that boys should not be parted from the mother before they are three as they are not emotionally ready. Im afraid i did agree with this but as i already send him and have done for a year i won't stop now, but i don't think i will send dsno2 before he is three!! You deserve the hair cut etc. Do what feels best, but they really do get used to it.

At around 8 months babies suddenly realise that Mother is actually a person in her own right, and not just another part of them. This in turn leaves to the wondring, if Mumy goes will she ever come back?

So your ds behaviour is quite common and understandable. As is your desire for time to be something other than Mummy. Really you have 2 choices - you can persevere, and it will pass - it IS just a phase that he will outgrow, and he won't be deeply damaged by being left with someone else for a few hours a week. Or you could leave it until he is at a bit less of a clingy stage - as has been said, 8-9 months is a classic time for these sort of anxieties to start and it could be that if you hold off for a few more months the phase will pass without you having to endure the tears and guilt.

Personally I would be inclined to leave it a bit - believe me, I'm not judging you here, but would you really enjoy your swim or your haircut if you were worried about your child screaming in the creche somewhere? It could well be that in another month of three he will seperate with far fewer problems.

In fairness though, I never had this problem, as my ds never seemed to notice who was looking after him - as long as he was fed and played with he was happy. I went on holiday for 2 weeks when he was 14 months old, and I don't think he really noticed I had gone.... That can get you down too.

Vivie, I think you definitely should leave him at the creche, if you are happy with the carers. Started leaving dd when 9 months old and she always hollered when handing her over. I always exited speedily - when I peeked in through the window she was happily playing literally the minute I was out of vision. So, I'd say that the gradual approach to leaving your ds is harder on both of you. DD now adores all at her creche and am hoping this will make her nursery start in September a little easier.
Dinny

Thanks for the wise words everyone. We went to the creche again on Friday and ds seemed a bit happier. I sat several feet away and out of sight and he played quite happily for a 20 mins or so - a definite improvement. I plan to take him again next week and perhaps leave him long enough to have a coffee and see how he does. I hope that as he becomes more familiar with the place and people it will be less scary for him and after all, I do love him and I will always come back for him.