My DD is a beautiful girl IMO but at 11 she is already worried about her looks

[Ormirian]

I have black rings under my eyes. So does my mum. It appears to be a genetic thing to do with our facial structure. I hate them but they are a fact of life. Made much worse by my age and a few lines.

DD has started to develop them too. Just a tiny almost unoticeable little shadow that only appear when she is tired. But she is obsessed with them. She wanted to use my concealer the other day

How do I deal with this. I tell her all the time she is lovely and she's imagining the problem (she really is). What else can I do? She looks at me (45) and thinks she is like that or will be. Help.

At 11, I'd say she is at the prime age for worrying about her looks: this is an age where at least some of her friends will have reached puberty and appearance matters more than ever again. Keep reassuring, don't encourage her to go over the top on the makeup, but do accept that this is a difficult part of life that she has to go through.

She doesn't wear make-up and TBH I'd rather she didn't. And if she does it would be eye-shadow or lipgloss not concealer. She has perfect skin.

That is part of the issue I have - i don't know how much is normal for her to be doing about her 'grooming' for want of a better word.

Consulted my own resident teen on this one. Dd (now 14) reckons 11 was an age where a lot of people (but by no means everybody) were starting to wear makeup (though not necessarily all the time) and pay more attention to looks.

Dd herself somtimes wears lipstick/lipgloss, eyeliner, eyeshadow and mascara, but not foundation which she thinks is yuk (though some of her friends do wear it).

I certainly noticed a greater interest in clothes and grooming with the start of secondary school, though she is usually quite discreet with the makeup. It is against school rules, though I am not prepared to swear that dd has never tried it on- but she is clearly discreet enough not to get caught.

Thanks cory.

Problem is I'm not very good at being 'a girl'. I have only just started wearing make-up regularly in the last 10 years. And I'm 54 . I've never been that bothered by clothes and shoes. DD tends to take after me but it seems that teenage girls in general are much more groomed and appearance-obsessed than they were and I would hate for her to feel out of place.

Sounds as if you resident teen has got it about right then!

I encourage my DD (6) to "groom" for want of a better word - I don't think that it is ever too young to take really good care of your skin, nails, hair, teeth etc and to learn how to wash thoroughly and rinse properly. And in summer she likes wearing varnish on her toenails.

I think the girls that have the hardest time at adolescence are the ones who don't know how to take care of their appearance at all.

I am totally useless at this bit too, Orm: in fact, I haven't got as far as wearing makeup myself yet.

Fortunately, dd seems to have an innate sense of what suits her and what is appropriate for her age group; she wouldn't be getting much help from me.

Ormirian - suggest you go out and buy some Touche Eclat by YSL for her for Christmas. It's a very sheer under eye concealer and very effective. Not cheap, but the best out there. It's YSL's number one best selling product, something like one sold every second. I've run out & I miss it!! Have been using it for years.

Scarabeetle's suggestion is good. Your little girl may be a little young for lots of make up,( most girls i teach try and get away with it at around 13ish) but if the under eye concealer makes her feel more confident then it's a great idea!! You can get cheaper under eye concealer from Benefit called 'ooooh la lift' but it's not as effective as Touche Eclat. No matter what you say to her, if she thinks she has dark circles then that's what she sees and prob won't be happy until she can conceal them. Hope this helps

Buy yourselves some at home "spa" treatments, just little facepacks and leave on conditioner etc (don't have to be expensive). Spend an evening or an afternoon with your daughter pampering yourselves. Get a film on, get a pizza, put your dressing gowns on and make yourselves feel good and pampered. Shift the focus from 1 specific worry (about dark circles) to overall well being. And use it as an opportunity to talk to her about the stuff that is worrying her.

Ah poor little thing! My 4 year old the other day told me that she upset because she doesn't have a nice face and that to have one she needs blue eyes! Seriously shocked! She's gorgeous which I tell her but also tell that it's not important and more important to be nice and kind which she is.

When I was about eleven I was very unhappy with my 'english rose' complexion and didn't want red cheeks any more. My grandma bought me a green concealer (a bit like this) and I used it religiously for about three months and then got bored! I also got some cleanser, toner and moisturiser - also got bored of that after a while.

I wouldn't worry too much, but just reassure her how lovely she is. I remember my hatred for my curly hair was abated by my Mum telling me how many people told her they were so jealous of my curls! (She may have been making these people up; the point was that I felt a lot better.)

Loads of good ideas already so I won't repeat them, but would add that it can be very important how Mum's talk about their own body and beauty.

If I'm always saying, 'Oh, I wish I wasn't so fat, I must go on a diet, my legs look dreadful in this pair of jeans' my daughters will think that being normal is not good enough.

just a thought