What has happened to my sweet little girl???

[sparklymieow]

She has been replaced with the devil child I swear. Shew screams and shouts and says she hates us, she has tamturms (sp??) and throws things about. She was lovely once..... she is nearly 4. She even shouts at her teacher at nursery and all the other kids and says she hates them too....

I don't suppose smiling sweetly and saying "that's alright darling, we hate you too" is recommended by Dr Tanya et all (I'm kidding of course!)

Know how you're feeling sparkly. My ds2 used to be a little treasure, he's not long turned 4 and just started reception.

Now for the second time I've been told that he's hit & kicked his reception teacher. She's really upset esp. because he said he would "kill" her. I'm at my wits end right now. I told him last time I would take away his nightime comforter if he did it again - now he has I have to follow through and he's distraught.

But nothing comes close to the absolute humiliation and distress I feel having to face the teachers at his school. I'm so ashamed.

What happened tpday was she wet herself at school, no biggy, but she refused to let anyone near her, screamed at the teacher, threw the clothes they gave her back at them (though they did give her shorts, a big no-no) teacher phoned me in a panic and asked what to do, I said to tell her to put her knicker on and she could talk to me on the phone, but she still refused. I had to go there with trousers and knickers and dress her and then she came home early. I don't wnat her to think that if she kicks up enough fuss I will come and get her each time. She seems so angry all the time.

Have you been to get her early from nursery before sparkly?

The reason I'm asking is because the first time ds2 hit his teacher she called ds1 out of his class to calm ds2 down. Although she said she wouldnt take that particular course of action again I'm wondering if he thinks he will be able to see ds1 if he's naughty in class.

Maybe your dd thinks you will come and get her.

She has only been there 4 days, we had the same problem at her preschool, but they dealt with her, but she has got worse over the summer. It didn't help that she finished preschool a week before the other 2 and then was off an extra 2 weeks because the nursery take in a few kids at a time, so she was off school for 9 weeks in total.

We've had a similar experience with our 3 and a half year old settling into the school's nursery. She will often now say "I don't like you", "I don't like Daddy" or say she hates/wants to kill, hitting, biting etc etc depending on degree of situation.

Her teacher suggested to us that she was pushing back as a defensive technique and that part of what she was doing was a kind of cry for help.

Hiting or biting gets short shrift and time-out; but the verbal stuff we just question and point out how much we like/love her staying light and calm and moving the subject/activity on to something inclusive and calming. She is doing less.

Hey, Sparkly, have you spoken to the pre-school people about it? they were obviously onto something!

Dear All

It is very comforting to hear that other mums suffer similar woes but where do we go for practical tips on how to handle such behaviour? I am new to Mumsnet - is there any place here to go for advice? Thanks.

I can highly recommend the local health visitor courses in parenting (I know most health visitors are sons of satan but give them a chance...). My devil spawn hit 4 and turned from angel to devil almost overnight. When you have enforced 3 time outs before breakfast by leaning (in tears)on a door that sounds like it has a herd of Rhino behind it you know you are in trouble. I found the course immensely helpful and reassuring in that other mums have the same troubles. Key tip: If something hasn't worked 3 times ("why do I always have to keep saying this....") you know what- It isn't going to work- find another way. Every so often we have a rash of charts, timers, rewards, golden rules poster, stickers etc to try to work out a new way. Some work some don't and most fall into disuse after a while- but just making the effort helps us all and some things stick.

Luckily my daughters not quite at that age yet, but from my experience in childcare I would just reply, 'really, well I love you, shall we go and do some colouring/baking/go for a wlak etc now' and just distract them.

Try not to take it personally, they don't really mean it, they're just not able to express themselves properly.

Good luck.

My ds has just started school and regularly becomes verbally abusive towards me when I get him home-I totally ignore the rants as I know that it is a release of tenison for him-after trying to hold it together all day (he is the baby of the class by quite some margin.) IMO at this age the words are unimportant-they are simply needing to express emotion-I would ignore what you can and try not to let her see that it upsets you!(I got upset with DS for saying stupid idiot when he was about 2.5 years now whenever he is angry with me that is the first thing that he says to me!!!!!!)

Hi I am new to Mumsnet and just wanted to say that it is such a relief to know others are going through the mill too! I have 4 month old twins and my 3 year old has just grown horns. She has tantrums and hits other children and me and the other day she hit a man who was watching her have a paddy! I was so embarrassed and didn't know what to do. Later on she couldn't see what I was angry about. I am so worried she isn't happy but I play with her, read with her and take time out with her whenever I can. I try not to shout and I never retaliate physically. What is wrong and will it resolve itself in time?

when one of mine said they hated me, i just calmly said thats ok, but I love you!

Can I just say "doing things" is better than "trying things" - pick an approach and stick to it. Most techniques work given persistence, patience and consistency. Nobody said it was going to be easy!

i reply" but i love you always please remember that"!

Did anyone read that report about stress levels in kids starting nursery etc? Apparently they absolutely rocket, and stay high for months, even when they seem to have settled down. I can't remember all the details, but it would explain awful behaviour. Best of luck ...

mieows dd2 said she hates me as well. she doies like my dd2 tho.

I'm a secondary school teacher with only a 16 month old so have all this delight to come, but one thing that works with teenagers is explaining choices.
'Yes you can choose to carry on misbehaving in class, but if you make that decision then this is what will happen.... If you choose to behave now then I will forget you said/did such and such and we will carry on as if nothing happened.'
Consequences like the naughty step / room have worked well with some of my friends for the younger kids.
Distraction is also a good technique, I find even with my wee one. Anything that is not a treat as such but diverts their attention. If the problem is recurring in the same situation each time, like the supermarket, then divise a way to get them involved with the shopping in a fun way, for example.
Can you ask a young child why they behave that way and get a good answer? Or ask them are you feeling frightened at school, scared, missing mummy and then talk things through? Mummy's always thinking about you and loving you even though I'm not there?
Hope there are some ideas you can use there
blessings

I've got two little tykes (girrrls 22mths + 3& half) and look after them for 2/3rds of the week. The problem with having two (or so it seems to me) is that the eldest develops a competitive thirst for attention (always wants the biggest portion, all the toys, the most attention, the best clothes...) and when she doesn't get it she misbehaves. And then the youngest reaches the age when she starts to copy the bad behaviour of her sister and the whole situation becomes a bit of a shit pie where you're trying to find new and ingenious punishments to stop all this escalating naughtiness. And the older they get the more expert they become at making you angry, especially with a willing little tutor/elder sister. Anyway, regardless of how many you have, the whole issue is one of attention, and I think it's easy to forget that little kids crave any attention as much as they crave good or bad attention. So if they can't get a cuddle for putting their shoes away they'll happily settle for a smack for spitting on you. It's not personal - that's the way they think, and it's no use reasoning otherwise because they don't get it. They're little monomaniacs, and we all know it's a phase they have to go through to understand empathy and the common weal...er...at least I hope it is. By the by I'm a fella, and whenever my eldest is having the screaming abdabs in the supermarket I get a lot of sympathetic looks from the old dears - certainly more than the mummies do. "Look at that poor bloke having to cope with that awful child. Where's her mother?"

My son is aged eight and has just started saying 'I hate you'. I have tried 'I love you anyway' and responses such as 'I know you don't mean it so why say it' but it has not helped. Yesterday, in a technique borrowed from Supernanny, I told him that each time he says that (or 'idiot' or other offensive term) I would give him a warning and the next time confiscate one of his toys for a week. This morning was much better - after one warning there were no repeats. Will it work in the long term? I hope so.

When they say " I hate you" I usually reply "Thank you for sharing".

Sometimes I say " Yes I can see that you are really angry because i wont give you a biscuit" ( or whatever).

I only use the second one for children who are still learning to express their anger verbally - not for teenagers!!