Advice on how to help my very shy 3 year old dd?

[extremelychocolateymilkroll]

My dd started nursery in September - she turned 3 in August and so is one of the youngest in her year. She has always seemed happy to go to nursery. We had a parents' evening recently and there was a comment that although she was beginning to form friendships with other children she can still be very shy and will often choose to play alone or alongside other children rather than with them. When asked who her friends are she will mention 4 or 5 names but doesn't really tell us what she does during the day. She doesn't seem unhappy but I was just a bit upset to hear that she tends to play on her own - unless this is normal developmentally at this age - but it doesn't seem to be from the way it was worded in her report. They did say that she was coming out of her shell and that they weren't worried about her but I was just wondering if anyone had any advice on how to bolster a 3 year old's confidence and to make her less shy? On another thread I saw this and it seems to have good ideas. Has anyone read any of the books?

Also, if your dc was very shy at 3 are they as shy later in life? Just aware of how extreme shyness - not that I think dd is extremely shy - can blight your life.

TIA

Very Normal. My DD did not speak to anyone at nursery for a year! She sometimes spoke to other kids but rarely...now she is 6 and in year 2 she is a different child...popular and outgoing....2 or 3 close friends but will happily play with anyone.

She also loves drama and dance...it was a slowish road though...she began to come out of herself at the end of reception...I made sure she had playdates with other kids in her class from the age of about 4...just ask a childs Mum if they would like to come over after school. This helps a lot.

Some of them just take longer.

My son was very very shy when she started preschool and school. The shyness rolled together with exhaution made the reception year very hard going and things were really dire. He spent a lot of time in the boook corner sucking his thumb and wanting to quietly look at books - not chat to anyone. Academically he excelled but was withdrawn. Things rapidly got better in year 1 and fast forward to year 3 - he has a good group of close friends, one best friend and is well liked by both boys/girls and has good social skills according to the teacher. I'd describe him as quietly confident now and good fun. I just think it took him a while to build up stamina and feel at ease with the new faces.

Thanks very much Shanahan and SkyBlue for your reassuring words - glad to hear your dcs are doing okay now. Sorry not to respond sooner but we've all come down with colds. Will try and arrange some playdates and hope dd's not too exahausted to play at them as she's doing full days at the nursery.

I would suggest encouraging play dates to build her confidence with other children. You can have the other mum over as well so that you are no responsible entirely for them both and so that the other child doesn't get scared. Also set a good example by being sociable yourself and she will learn from that.

I think shyness is completely normal though and for them to play alone at that age but it doesn't hurt to encourage her social skills anyway. I was a shy child (because both my parents weren't very outgoing I think) and stayed like it until I was an adult. I did have friends but I also think it held me back a bit so i've been very conscious to not repeat with mine.

I really wouldn't worry at this age. I think between 3 and 4 they can be very shy and prefer to play by themselves and as long as they are not unhappy and happy to be doing this IT's NORMAL!!!!

No intervention needed .

My son was very sociable with friends "he knew" (ie playdates, children he'd known for a while), or in relaxed environments even with children he didn't know that well (my friend's children) at that age, but was very shy at pre-school, especially when we moved house (as you might expect).

He was also very shy at his school nursery which he started in September age nearly 4, but what is brilliant is to see him coming out of his shell now, in his own time, making friends. Very funny thing happened recently, he arranged a sleepover with another boy without consulting either Mummy . At just 4 we've pointed out that maybe they're a bit young and having a play at each others' houses is a good first step!

I think setting a good example by being sociable yourself with other Mums is good advice and arranging play-dates when appropriate. But basically don't worry, I think it is so normal at this age and it's lovely to see them come out of their shells in their own time.

My husband was very shy. His mother was a teacher in his school and she'd see him standing on the sidelines watching people play. It broke her heart.

His memories of childhood are very happy.

He is still shy, but he stands up and makes speaches no bother - loves it.

Your child is who she is, don't worry. Love her and she'll be fine.

PS My husband is the best of husbands and the best of men

IMO playing alongside rather than 'with' other children is perfectly normal at 3.

My DS was very shy, and has got steadily better with each passing year - he's now 8 and lots of people wouldn't think he was shy at all, but it's still there a bit. We were always conscious that he was a bit less confident in social situations, so would always arrive a bit early at parties, school, etc (to avoid walking into a noisy room full of people already settled in). Playdates are a good idea.

I have to say, though, that if you'd never noticed that your DD was shy I have to wonder whether she really is. It was painfully apparent to us that DS was shy.

Either way, it does get better, IME.

Please don't worry!

My 3 yr old DT's (DS/DD), have only just started playing alongside other children rather than just amongst themselves.
Though at their nursery which they started in September they were deliberately placed in separate groups to encourage them to make other friends, they just didn't 'gel' with anyone apart from each other.
The most puzzling thing is that neither of them are shy, I think they were just a bit overwhelmed by all the choice of things to do and people to do it with.

Now that we have broken up for Christmas they keep on saying how much they miss their teacher , who it turns out DS practically worships, and they have enjoyed themselves all term.
Maybe try and invite another child over and play with them all three of you. Your DD should feel more confidant at her home with her toys, and then when she goes back should feel she 'knows' someone a bit better.
HTH