Think I am ruining him

[Clare123]

I have a beautiful 3 yr old boy - who has always been lively, and his behaviour is fairly challenging most days, but today I completely lost it. I actually said "all I want is a son who I can be proud of". How bloody awful is that. I have spent the whole evening crying. What a terrble thing to say to a three year old. I just feel so exasperated by his contant hitting/ruining games/ throwing and generally not listening at all. He just doesn't seem to want to be a good child - I praise everything I can - I play with him on the floor, I read to him, I make cakes....you name it. In terms of discipline I do time out for aggressive behaviour, toys that are thrown go away. I try, try, try all the time, but 18 months on every day seems so hard.

I think I need help, but I just don't know where to get it?

sorry toys are not thrown away, put away until the next day. That would be a little harsh!!

He is about to peak testosterone wise - I think boys tend to hit THE peak in the reception year and have usually have calmed down tons by year 2.

i have said things i am not proud of in the past, don't beat yourself up over it. Your ds sounds a lot like mine was at that age. He's now 4.5 years and sooo much better! At 3, i constantly felt at the end of my tether. He didnt go to nursery and i really thought he'd be the "naughty" boy when he started school. He started in sept and i was completely wrong! He's actually very good and i now feel proud. One thing that really helped me was doing a course called raising boys. Its not the same as the book by steve biddulph, which i've read also. A great thing it taught me was that not every crime had to be punished, sometimes just explaining/ignoring is ok. Please look into the course, it was a revelation!

It's ok, 3 yr olds are incredibly hard work.

All the good things you are doing now, in terms of discipline and activities, will pay off but it takes time so often feels like you're getting nowhere.

I found it helped to play to strengths (so maybe take a lively louder child out to the park or swimming to burn off some energy and have a good shout, bash and throw).

Could you find activities you enjoy where there are no expectations of an outcome? It can be hard to get a biscuit actually made or a game actually played with a lively 3 yr old.

Maybe something a little more open ended where he can be his exuberent self and you can genuinely enjoy that without having to direct him or manage him?

I don't think he'll be so upset by what you say as that you are clearly so unhappy. Are you getting any time to look after yourself? Spending the whole evening in tears is not good.

It does get better pretty quickly (not much help when you're in the middle of it I know!)

Hang on in there, this too will pass.

Oh, also try your gp. They often have all the details of local organisations offering support.

Do you have family/friends nearby?
This period can be really hard. There is loads of help out there for a reason so please don't feel you have to do this alone.

My 3 year old is exactly the same. I do all the same things as you discipline wise and play wise. He has gone from being lively and tantrumy to a shouting, hitting, answering back threenager!!

I have never felt so close to the end of my tether than I do lately, I thought the 'terrible two's were bad but this is a lot worse.

You are trying your best and doing all the right things, we all slip up and say/do things we don't mean sometimes, you're only human!

I'm hoping this stage passes quickly!

Thank you all so much for giving me some perspective. Yesterday was a really tough day, and mainly because we didn't get out, which I will not be doing again in a hurry (had to wait in for a parcel!).

I have also contacted my HV about a course. I know he is okay really - his nursery think he is great! ("What a lovely little boy" - their words!!) It's more to do with me, and making me feel like I am doing ok and having confidence that he is going through normal (yet difficult) stages.

He was so loving this morning and gave me so many kisses and cuddles! I have to remember those moments too.