My stubborn son

[GuiltySecret]

My son is 21 months old and so stubborn. He refuses to go into his car chair, his highchair and on occasions his pushchair. I am at the end of my tether with him today, he wont sit in his highchair for lunch and when I put him into the front room to play he does everything possible that he knows he shouldnt, touching television, fish tank etc. I am almost tearing my hair out and as I have two older children as well I am finding it very hard to cope.

I have had to put him up in his cot for now as I was getting so wound up. My other two were a doddle compared to this one and he just has such a stubborn streak he will only do what he wants to do. In other ways he is great, a good sleeper and a good eater and I love him to bits I just dont know what to do to get him to sit in his highchair etc when needed.

I feel like a terrible mum at the moment, where have I gone so wrong third time around. He also ignores me completely when I say no or dont or move him away from things he shouldnt touch.

Help please.

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bloss, I have been known to give my (then) 6 year old son a piggyback while pushing my baby son in his pushchair loaded down with shopping. Not quite as impressive as your feat of strength, though.

I do think it's important that children learn to sit down at mealtimes, but that lesson IMO can come later on. You don't have to start at 21 months if it's going to mean a big battle. I certainly didn't. Yes, it makes eating out more difficult, but since I didn't intend to eat out formally much with my under 2 that wasn't top of my agenda.

Now, however I want to start being able to eat out with him more and I know he will need to sit down and eat lunch at school soon. So for the last few months my son (nearly 4) has been having a crash course in sitting at the table nicely till everyone has finished their meal. He is taking it on board and it is surprisingly good not to be clearing up so many crumbs from the carpet. He has certainly learned to sit at the table when told to more quickly and easily now he is older. Not perfect, but we are getting there. So I don't think me letting him wander round with food when he was younger has got him into a lifetime habit.

What about if these behaviours aren't just phases but are related to our child's personality. My next door neighbour tells a story that from 12mths old her daughter wouldn't allow anyone to feed her - she had to do it herself (Taurus).

I don't know how to say this without sounding like a nutter, but have you considered your stubborn son's star sign and even how it might interact with yours to create a different chemistry than what you have with your other children. Things that work with your other kids may not work the same with him. You might have to try relating with him differently or involving others more in his development like your dh/dp or grandparents etc. Maybe he gets a kick out of seeing you wound up and if you responded differently than he expects than the thrill will be lost (I see others have mentioned this).

Before my ds was born I was worried about our compatability given that I am a strong fire sign and he is a water sign and I admit I got a tarot reading - the essence of which was I must really listen to him (not one of my natural strong suits), but I will work hard to adapt to him especially as he gets older, knowing that we are very likely fundamentally different people.

Maybe you can try and work it so that it becomes his idea to get in the highchair or whatever. Maybe he would like to drag it out or place it somewhere different or somedays have a picnic instead. Maybe he doesn't want to hear no, but wants to hear why - all just guess work on my part.

When I worked in HR I found people were always searching for ways of dealing with people different to themselves be they their bosses or their customers and lots of people took to the idea of using tools such as Myers Briggs psychological profiles to adapt their styles or to understand others better. Perhaps star signs are just another tool, but whether both of these tools are crap or not it could still be a good idea to give thought to how to adapt ones behaviour to better suit people (even toddlers) who are different to us or different then what we expect.

I hope that didn't sound preachy and I haven't made too much of a fool of myself.

With the car seat my DD although she is 3 knows that both myself and her will be carted off to prison and fed on bread and water if we are both not strapped in properl;y - you can bet if I do not put seatbelt on before I start the car she is the first to notice!!

Described the process so was not scarey - eg big policeman said he would be nice and stuff - she does understand that it is very important though and never argues about this issue.

I would only upset her and myself to such a degree if whatever she did or did not want to do would harm her or someone else. She is a good kid and I feel that routines are fine but if something makes you or your child that sad then it really is not worth the effort.

I don't think in terms of rewards on this issue. I think of it in terms of distraction. I try to head off thing before ds gets upset, which in my particular case means I turn on his favourite music tapes immediately I open up the car which distracts him and makes him very happy to be in the car. Or I'd give him a biscuit immediately we got in. This way he doesn't even think to resist - so there's nothing to 'reward' and nothing to 'punish' either. BTW my ds thinks those ricecakse sweetened with apple juice are bik-biks anyway, which helps!
BTW, even though my ds sometimes has his lunch while wandering around the kitchen or garden, he still sits quite nicely in restaurant high chairs - I think they are more exciting!

maybe a different kind of chair would work - our ds who's 21 months loves his Handy Sitt - they're little chairs that strap to more or less any kind of normal chair - so that he's sitting at the table with us, and doesn't have a plastic tray which puts him at a different level and away from the table. I think he likes feeling like he's in an ordinary chair like his parents - he's also incredibly stubborn...!

I find myself using lots of consequence-type language at the moment - something like "if you don't ... (do the thing I want you to!), then there's no... (the thing he wants!)". This is starting to work - he understands that he won't be able to watch his favourite video, or whatever.

Good luck!!