My stubborn son

[GuiltySecret]

My son is 21 months old and so stubborn. He refuses to go into his car chair, his highchair and on occasions his pushchair. I am at the end of my tether with him today, he wont sit in his highchair for lunch and when I put him into the front room to play he does everything possible that he knows he shouldnt, touching television, fish tank etc. I am almost tearing my hair out and as I have two older children as well I am finding it very hard to cope.

I have had to put him up in his cot for now as I was getting so wound up. My other two were a doddle compared to this one and he just has such a stubborn streak he will only do what he wants to do. In other ways he is great, a good sleeper and a good eater and I love him to bits I just dont know what to do to get him to sit in his highchair etc when needed.

I feel like a terrible mum at the moment, where have I gone so wrong third time around. He also ignores me completely when I say no or dont or move him away from things he shouldnt touch.

Help please.

I don't have any advice - but you ARE NOT a terrible mum You have a strong willed child - that doesn't reflect on you as a person / mother. Just look at your other 2 children and you'll know I'm right. I don't know what you can do to make things better but you'll get great advice from another more knowlegable mum - just don't doubt yourself okay.

I think he's at a very trying age. My son is now 3 and one month, but he was very 'full on' like your ds when he was around 18 months. I remember my SIL telling me that she hated the ages of between 15 months to 2 1/2 with her son, and I totally agree so far. It seems that it's probably boys that are a bit worse too.

Going on how much easier my ds is now, I think you'll just have to do your best with him and wait it out. Keep disciplining him and guiding him with what to do/what not to do, and as he gets older it eventually sink in. It's so much easier once they develop some sense & understanding... good luck..

guilty secret my ds is 21months and very strong willed also-a real little devil actually. I had none of these problems with my dd either infact she is a complete angel in comparisson. Sorry no advice but Im sure he'll get better with time, thats what Im hoping anyway

I dont believe a child can go on for so long. He has still continued to scream and shout at me. Still refusing to go into the highchair and has had no lunch. I have been on the phone to my husband and my mother in tears, mum supportive, husband too busy at work but promising not to work late!

Ive ended up putting him back to bed and just pulling the door to as I am getting so angry and upset and dont want to end up regretting my actions later. My other two are being so good and playing nicely with their toys in their bedroom, I think they are fed up with all the noise as well.

I have given my son calpol in case its his teeth, no difference, he is just getting so angry because he cant get his own way and nothing is calming him down. I refuse to give in on the highchair issue, I want him to eat his meals in there not where he chooses am I wrong to do this? Ive tried distraction, cuddles, gentle words and also reasoning (pretty impossible I know with a child this age but I thought worth a try) and nothing is working.

Its all gone quiet for now so I guess he has gone to sleep but I feel awful, up until two days ago I had a lovely baby now I have a monster!

Wow! See how it only takes them two days to drive you to feel like this!

I feel so sorry for you, I wish I could come and take him off your hands for a few hours to give you time to regain your composure. I bet he would be good for someone else, they always are.

The only advice I would give would be to try and ignore as much as possible cos they only repeat behaviour if it leads to them getting something they want (attention, a cuddle, etc). The more you can manage to ignore the less he will connect this behaviour with results of any kind.

If he misses a meal or two he will not starve to death. When he sees everyone else eating something delicious he might change his mind about that high chair. I wouldn't make a fuss, just tell him, high chair if you want to eat.

I have three and they have all exhibited bad behaviour at different ages. They are all different. I am sure in a little while he will revert back into being a little angel for you. In the meantime just step back and make sure you keep your own equilibrium if he wants to act up. Let him get on with it while you have a nice soothing chamomile tea or something.

To be honest if it is affecting you so much give in just this once - I would - tackle the highchair issue when he is in a better mood.

I am not an anything for an easy life sort of mum - believe me my DD knows when she has gone too far but she is 3 and a lot easier to explain things to.

I just really don't think something like him sitting or not as the case may be in his highcahir is a big enough thing to upset you and him to the degree it obviously is.

My DS is exactly the same: I physically have to force him into his booster chair for meals, car seat etc - getting him dressed his a nightmare - I literally have to pin him down.

I know how exhausting it is - and I don't have any other children to worry about! No advice I'm afraid, just tons of sympathy - I am always amazed when friends say to their children (similar age) ..... 'come along darling and get in the car' ....... and they do it!!!! Where am I going wrong!!!

Have been in same situation in regards to high chair /car seat. I bought him a little chair and table and when he had his meal he could choose wheather he wanted to sit in high chair or other chair. He normally chose the high chair, but I think he liked the fact that he had made the choice himself.
No child voluntarily starves to death, so just make the point that he needs to sit in his chair when he wants to eat. When my ds plays up and doesn't want to eat, I pretend I don't care and it's not an issue for me. That way he knows he cannot play up as mummy doesn't care anyway.....

If my ds doesn't fancy sitting in his high chair to eat I just put little sandwiches, chopped banana etc on a low chair and let him eat as he potters. I honestly, honestly don't think it's worth it to get so upset and angry over something that in the great scheme of things really isn't very important. It matters very much to toddlers to have their own way sometimes. Obviously you can't let them run in the road/drink bleach/take a hammer to the TV, but very little else falls into this category IMO. For your own happiness, why not let it go a while. Maybe a little chair and table would be nice for him? Or maybe a booster seat so he can sit at the table and you can eat together? My ds still goes in his highchair, just sometimes he doesn't want to. He's not a monster. He's just discovering the wonderful, overwhelming world of choices and options!

As Aloha said - the phrase here 'Pick your battles' comes to mind!!

The issue isnt that he doesnt just want to go in the highchair but that he doesnt want to go in any form of chair. I dont have any little chairs to put him in at the moment and he is too small to sit in a proper chair so really highchair is only option. As for the carseat which he doesnt like to go into either, well thats a case of being a necessity.

Luckily after the last explosion he has had a good sleep and seems to be a lot happier at the moment although still resisting the highchair so I have left that for now hoping that he will go in there for a nice big tea at the same time as his siblings!

Yes the car seat....Have no great advice for you. I have the same problem with my Ds and I am now dreading every time I take him out as I might not be able to get him back into his car seat. He is getting really strong and when he refuses to put his belt on, there is nothing I can do.

GuiltySecret, I also have a Guilty Secret. I once spent 25 minutes trying to put his seatbealt on without success. In the end I did the "mother-of-all-bad-mothers"-thing and drove off with DS in carseat, but his seatbelt wasn't fastened. Only on small road and only very slowly. This happened to be on the day the temperatures hit 100, so you can imagine I was feeling failry hot under the collar.....
Well, my DS realised that this was very unusual and looked very sheepish trying to hold his seatbelt together himself. I stopped the car after about 2 minutes and asked if I could please do up his belts. I got a very clear YES. (one of the few times he has said the word "yes" I think...)
Anyway, I obvioulsy don't advice anyone to to this, but sometimes you do get desperate.

I guess I will get a few "See! You should have smacked him!" from the smacking brigade, but no thanks.......;-)

Would it work, perhaps, if you said : "Ok, look you can eat your lunch on this blanket I've laid out for you and we can have a picnic but when you go in the car you must be a good boy and sit in your seat or it will very very dangerous and if you won't sit in it like a good boy for mummy we can't go out to nice places and do nice things together and that makes mummy sad??

Sorry if that sounds stupid or you've already said a million things similar - I'm just thinking of things to help inbetwwen jobs at work!

totally agree you must pick your battles. My son now 4 hated his high chair and pushchair when he was 2. In fact he became adept at escaping and tipping them over. I took the line of least resistance in this case and sat him on my knee at meal times as much as possible or let him have finger food sitting at a low table, much as aloha describes. He wanted to do things his way, and to explore. How I saw it, it's not as if my son needs to learn to sit in a high chair or pushchair for the rest of his life. It's not a life skill. It's not like learning to leave electrical sockets alone. In another 18 months or so a 2 year old will be too big for pushchairs and high chairs anyway.

However that leaves the car seat problem. Brute force for me was the answer. No ifs, no buts, no negotiation, no looking ds in the eye even, no trying to make him understand and be nice to me about it, because in the mood he was in that was impossible and I'd start to get angry with him. If you meet huge, noisy resistance from your ds about sitting in a car seat, now is not a time to engage with him. Just bundle him in as gently as possible, ignore protests, and drive off. Once the resistance has subsided, you can begin to tell him what a good boy he is being now, even if it's through gritted teeth.

PS my stubborn houdini sits in his car seat now without a word of protest. Can't say why exactly but the resistance was, as they say, just a phase.

Car seats: ds once had a MAJOR strop about his in Sainsburys carpark - full scale arched back, screaming, no WAY was I getting him in that seat. In order to stay calm I left him in the seat (unbuckled obviously), closed the door on him, turned my back to him and counted to about a hundred ignoring all the other customers stares. Then opened the door, ds had calmed down a bit (a bit shocked at my reaction I think) - enough to pin him down long enough to buckle him in anyway.

He's had his moments since, but ... touch wood... he's never been quite as bad, and most times he's even downright helpful (although I think that's because he's growing out of it rather than any great mummy skill of mine).

I agree, if he won't go in his car seat it has to be brute force (or bribery - those mini chocolate digestives come in mighty handy sometimes ) But is the end of the world if he eats a sandwich in the garden or while wandering around the kitchen? Also, my ds is noticeably more grumpy if thirsty. I try to give him a drink immediately if I notice he's getting irritable. I also strongly recommend a big glass of water as a treatment for adult irritation. It works really well.

He's probably just getting to an age where you can start to introduce consequences. ie no you can't do that because you'll get hurt. As has already been said pick the battles which are most vital to win - the car seat, the holding hands near a road, no running near a pool or in a car park etc.

It is more difficult if the consequences are at the cost of something pleasurable to your other kids or of benefit to yourself but try to keep calm and above all be firm and consistent - no carseat , no park etc. I've been pleasantly surprised how after the initial fuss I've managed to talk dd (almost 2) out of various situations but have to say it doesn't always work.

Food battles themselves are rarely worth it - I had awful battles which got out of proportion with ds at this age and regretted it, so when dd refused lunch today she got no yoghurt for pudding, end of story. I also would prefer her to sit in her highchair, which in fairness she does most of the time, but often with fruit or pudding she'll want to sit on my lap, or a cushion, or the floor....

Hope things improve soon,

Agree with others that seatbelt is an absolute must in the car - if you can't get it done up then don't go in the car At 20 months it should be no contest between you and him if you are determined. My ds3 (same age as yours) had a phase of this recently - still not brilliant but he knows (I think) that he will be strapped in, like it or not. My ds2 was similar at that age and grew out of it. Now he jumps into his car seat, puts the straps over his shoulders and waits for me to do the buckle up.

You could do the same for the high chair (assuming it has straps). It mattered to me that my children ate in their highchairs as I have a very low tolerance threshold for "unnecessary" cleaning. Fortunately ds3 is eager to get into his highchair as he has an all-consuming desire for food. If he wasn't, like you, I wouldn't give him his food until he was in his chair.

You have my sympathies.

Believe me my child is strong...and its very very difficult to strap him in anywhere he doesnt want to be. Have tried the sitting him in the car seat then turning my back..he just got out and thought it was great fun to do what he liked in the car.

As for trying to reason or introduce consequences, well he is only 21 months old and too young for this at the moment. I can say are you going to sit in there nicely now, he will say yes then as soon as I try he kicks off again. Its not as though I am a novice at this either have been there twice before but he is worse than my other two put together.

Guilty secret - yes, I agree that toddlers can be very strong and violant - I am covered in bruises from my DS lashing out at me - I have to use absolute brute force to get him strapped in the car seat sometimes. I don't know what the answer is - its easy to say don't go out in the car but if you're out & returning home you just have to! And I don't want to stay cooped in at home all the time just to avoid the battle!

GuiltySecret, have you tried the biscuits? Immediate gratification is better than delayed gratification is better for toddlers I think. OK, I won't win any awards from dentists but...

Sorry aloha - I disagree - you're rewarding them for bad behaviour if you give them biscuits when they kick up a fuss - next thin you know they'll bekicking up a fuss all the time just to get some biscuits.

I cannot believe that a fit mother cannot get a young child strapped in. Believe me, my child was a kicker, hair grabber, puncher, squirmer, arched back, sliding out of the seat etc. But using a small amount of my weight, choosing the right moment (when ds stopping for breath) and remembering to tie my hair out of the way (!) we "won" every time. It's much easier to establish the fact that he will sit in his carseat before he learns to undo the buckle.

If you have all that performance over the highchair too then I personally wouldn't give him any food or any drink except water until he sat in the highchair. Obviously, it's your call how far you are prepared to go. I personally don't like children wandering round eating because they're dropping crumbs everywhere making mess that I have to clean up, they're much safer re choking if they're with me, it's more sociable to all eat together and it's good practise for eating out at restaurants and with adults. I have 4 children so that probably makes quite a difference in terms of the degree of flexibility I can tolerate. Have rambled enough now.

I am with Jude on this one. My son is wilful and very manipulative and is constantly testing the boundaries. I remember having similar battles with DS between the ages of 15 months and 2 years and remember doing exactly as Guilty Secret describes and putting DS in bed and then back to the high chair and back to bed ... the battle usually ended when he either sat in the high chair or fell asleep ... basically it didn't take long for him to work out that if he didn't sit in the high chair he didn't get any food. And I felt strongly that I wasn't going to let him get the better of me ... AND I don't like children wondering around with food ... I personally think it is a bad habit to get into and because I am a shockingly bad housewife and hate cleaning I feel happier if the mess is in one place
Now he is nearly 4 we have other battles and the food ones are a distant memory but I am a believer in the child learning where the boundaries are ...
One way to help (and I wish I had worked this out then) could be to let your son 'Think' he is in control ... but really you are in control. So give him the choice... Are you hungry? Well sit in your highchair ... Not hungry? Ok ... go and play ... BUT ... you will not eat anywhere but in the chair ... that way he thinks he has control in that he chooses to play or eat ... but you win in that he will only eat in the chair ... I think it is important for them to feel that they have control even if they don't ...
Does that make sense?

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