DS bit another little boy and made him bleed :(

[Maddison]

DS1 will be 5 in January and started school full time yesterday. When I went to pick him up after school the teacher said she wanted a word with me and proceeded to tell me that DS1 has bitten another little boy and made his finger bleed Apparently they had been playing a game and teacher thinks it went too far. To make matters worse, when the teacher and headteacher tried talking to DS he just talked about something else completely different and they said he seemed to have no idea that what he'd done had hurt the other little boy I am so pissed off with him it's unbelievable, by the time we got home I was in tears. His teacher is sure that it's because it's such a major change and he's just settling in but I can't make excuses for this, he knows that above all else he is NOT allowed to bite. Because we've been having some problems with him at home we have tried to discipline every way we can think how but nothings working so we have taken away just about everything he likes i.e. tv, computer, toys. I don't want him to be perfect, I just want him to behave himself. Sorry, just needed a rant

oh dear, poor you

Do you think he knows what he did was wrong?

He does know that he shouldn't bite anybody because it's naughty, he definitely knows now because both DH and I went through him like a dose of salts, he didn't kick up as much of a fuss getting ready for school this morning so i'm hoping the 'harsh' treatment last night helped a bit

what trouble are you having with him at home?

It does sound like it's all connected with starting school. Perhaps all the aggression is just bluster because he's quite unsettled by it all. Do you know the mother of the child he bit?

I think the teacher is probably right, Maddison. Unlike adults, children often don't react in ways we would expect to new situations. He is having to learn to control himself in a new environment, and some kids just throw the rulebook out of the window and do everything they've always been told not to! It's their way of establishing the boundaries of that environment.

Try talking to him in a calm setting where you can get his attention but without making it a "talking to" - I find when driving in the car is a good time because you don't have eye contact, which can be adversarial. You could just say to him, "tell me about the game you were playing with x", then with some prompting questions you may be able to get to the bottom of what happened. If he feels he is not being "told off" about the incident he may talk more about it, which may give you the opportunity to talk about why it's not nice to bite etc. Ignore the fact that you have had that talk before, he's in a new setting just now so the rule needs to be explained again.

It must be so upsetting for you, particularly when you have been at pains to make sure he understood about not biting. But he won't have been the first that the teacher has dealt with and sure as anything won't be the last!

What sort of game was it? Was it one where they were sort of snapping at each other? Maybe it really was just an accident.
I think when children are very freaked out by what they did and feel panicky they often sort of tune out and talk about other things. It's a sort of defence mechanism, I think.
I suspect all the discipline is ineffective because the behaviour has other roots and praise and praise and praise might work better, and maybe a behaviuor chart on the wall.
And I do think going to school is a huge change.

Oh poor you Maddison, you must feel very upset with it being his first day and everything. I suppose it could be the big change - did he go to pre-school before and was he good at mixing there? Let us know how he gets on today.

Hi and thanks for the messages.

Sorry I didn't explain properly in my original post, he started school 2 weeks ago but only did half days, he started full time school yesterday with all the kids who were in morning nursery (he was at nursery on afternoons) and he's never met these children before but it was a child from the afternoon nursery who he bit.

The game they were playing involved 'Alex the lion' so unfortunately I think it was a deliberate act, when we've asked DS about what happened he just keeps adding bits onto the story, like 'I bit x, then he bit me' he'd then add 'and x pushed me over' He gets stickers for good behaviour at school and I made a poster so he could stick them on when he gets home from school but he doesn't seem interested. He knows that naughty boys don't get anything and at the minute all he is allowed is either 1 toy, a book or he can draw. He understands that when he is a good boy he will get more things eg. more toys. Both DHand I are at our wits end

So he was being a lion and the other kids were playing with him? Honestly, it sounds to me as if they might just all got very over excited. My dh was playing that game where open your mouth and snap it shut when your child puts their finger in it (cue instant hilarity, joy and excitement) mistimed it and bit his daughter (not hard btw) but it was just an accident.
My ds's nursery never uses the phrase 'naughty boy' as they like to describe the behaviour rather than the child - ie 'unhelpful' 'unkind' 'messy' 'rude' - and say, 'you are a lovely boy, but that was an unkind thing to do' which does seem to work. My ds definitely responds better to praise and attention (he's just turned four). Believe me, I'm far from perfect, and have been known to shriek like a banshee and slam doors etc. But I don't think it works!

Thanks for that Aloha, I'll definitely try describing the behaviour instead of labelling him - it's something we've not tried. I'm just petrified of him getting a name for himself at school, especially this early and the fact that we have another son to go there in a few years!

And lol at screaming like a banshee - I can relate to that!

I am also working on not getting angry with ds just because I feel embarassed. When I feel embarrassed by him, I translate my feelings of worry and shame into rage sometimes, and I don't think that's necessarily healthy. It makes me overreact.

Must confess I've done this to dd2 - didn't draw blood though, and we were playing. Looks like he mistimed the bite, also looks like school are dealing with it in the right way so wouldn't worry too much, as long as it doesn't happen again.

Well, I picked DS up from school and everything seems okay, nothing bad to report and he even got a sticker, not sure what for though, he won't tell me yet!! I'm not too bothered though, I'm just relieved that all is well