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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

dd 13 doesnt seem to have any empathy ,is it normal?

23 replies

wfrances · 15/11/2010 18:25

dd 13 has no empathy for others,{im total opposite.}
dh thinks its just her personality and we should leave it alone,but im upset by it .
should i be??

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Earlybird · 15/11/2010 18:30

Can you give some specific examples of her behaviour?

Al1son · 15/11/2010 18:31

If she shows no empathy because she never reads the subtle signs which show that someone is upset I'd be looking up other symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome or Autism.

If she is reading the signs but just doesn't really care I'd put it down to typical teenaged self-centredness.

Ineed2 · 15/11/2010 18:36

Has she ever shown any empathy? if you think she has then it is probably just grotty teen stuff. If you think she hasn't does it effect her ability to make and maintain friendships?

Original poster

wfrances · 15/11/2010 18:42

i found out yesterday that she was horrible to a girl,her mum came round last night to try and sort it out.
my dd sat there stoney faced ,with this woman in tears and had nothing to say on the matter!
im absolutely stunned,why doesnt she care that what she said has hurt this girl and her mother.

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Ineed2 · 15/11/2010 18:46

Is there some history behind this girl and your Dd?
She may have not said anything to you because she has been told not to tell tales?
She may have not said anything because she was embarressed, or she may genuinly not understand why the girl and her mum are so upset.
If she has no empathy it doesn't mean she doesn't care, it means she doesn't undestand how other people feel.

Original poster

wfrances · 15/11/2010 18:51

she really doesnt see why they are so upset.in her defence she is thick skinned and not sensitive but if someone is crying surely you know youve over stepped the mark. problem started last week,or so im told.bloody facebook and msn again!"!

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mollymax · 15/11/2010 18:51

Do you know both sides of the story, with this girl?

It could easily be that it is six of one and half a dozen of another and your dd did not want to explain to an emotional mother.

Was the friend there too, or just her mum?

Original poster

wfrances · 15/11/2010 18:55

just her mum,
my dd doesnt see what the problem is?
to sum it up she wrote something on facebook,stating she didnt like her.
my dd thinks thats ok,even though it really upset this girl.

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FattyArbuckel · 15/11/2010 19:01

There are hormonal changes in teenagers that make it impossible to feel a high degree of empathy. So your previously empathic child will temporarily lose some of their ability to empathise during puberty and adolescent for natural and chemical reasons beyond their control.

They will come out the other side again eventually.

Ineed2 · 15/11/2010 19:02

Aaahh face book!!!
It is sooo much easier for kids to say mean things on the internet than to somebody's face.

Earlybird · 15/11/2010 19:05

What did your dd say to you after the Mum left? Was there any resolution of the situation?

Does your dd exhibit a lack of empathy in other ways? Has it been a trait all her life?

Original poster

wfrances · 15/11/2010 19:19

she has been like it to some degree all her life,but im not going to stand for this even if dh thinks its her personality.
her facebook ,msn account suspended.
grounded until further notice,
phone taken off her
tv taken from her room
she will not apologize,or back down.
after the mother left she said she wrote it because she is childish and she doesnt like her!!and in dd opinion she has a right to speak her mind and like or dislike anyone she pleases.
i so hope its like fatty says and that its just hormones and will grow out of it.

OP posts:

FattyArbuckel · 15/11/2010 19:20

honestly try googling about the effect of hormones on empathy - it has only been discovered in the last few years

Original poster

wfrances · 15/11/2010 19:22

thanks fatty i will.

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DirtyMartini · 15/11/2010 19:25

That's so interesting Fatty -- I didn't know that.

I think that is extremely relevant info for so many people, surprised it's not more widely talked about!

OP: hope it all works out. Facebook = trouble.

Ineed2 · 15/11/2010 19:26

FWIW I think you are right to come down hard on her. I think I would be asking her to apologise before she gets her stuff back.

If she doesn't like the other girl she needs to learn to ignore her, she is right it is her right to not like somebdy but it is not a right to upset someone just because she can.

She is going to need careful handling over the next few years but if you can stick to your rules and enforce consequences for her actions, she wiil come out the other side.
Good luck .

Original poster

wfrances · 15/11/2010 19:30

thanks dirty,i agree .

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MeowyChristmasEveryone · 15/11/2010 19:31

To an extent, your DD is right.

If she doesn't like someone, that is her right.
However, she needs to be aware that Society rubs along as it does (for the most part) because we don't come out and say it either to the person in question or to any of their friends, etc

At the very least, she needs to recognise that voicing her thoughts on an open arena like FB is gonna get her into trouble.

Hope you get this sorted.

Original poster

wfrances · 15/11/2010 19:35

ineed2-its a really shit feeling knowing your child is responsible for making another child cry and theres nothing you can do about it,i cant make her do anything.
im so ashamed .when the girls mum started to cry so did i.
other than this my dd is near perfect and i love her to bits{my only daughter} so im taking her behaviour personally.

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Original poster

wfrances · 15/11/2010 19:43

just had a thought,dds friend killed himself last month.she never cried ,not that i saw anyway,maybe shes closed down her emotions.
does anyone know about that sort of stuff?

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Ineed2 · 15/11/2010 19:51

To be honest... I am surprised your Dd has got this far through life without upsetting anyone! With girls bitching and falling out comes with the territory, it is how they learn to cope with the adult world.

Your Dd is probably hurting really badly about her friend.
She may not be saying anything to you because she knows you are sensitive and doesn't want to upset you. Maybe your DH could talk to her about how she is feeling.

Original poster

wfrances · 15/11/2010 20:02

i am really sensitive about suicide as my uncle did it when i was 14.
as shes the only girl ,and i never would have done that,im not clued up when it comes to girls and bitching.
her head of year said they are all at it ,and facebook ect has added to it.

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OldieButGoldie · 15/11/2010 22:33

imo the other mum totally over- reacted. I can't for the life of me imagine going round to someone's house and bursting into tears because someone had said they didn't like my DC. I would simply say to DC that if this person doesn't like them then just keep away from her and don't get in to any tit-for-tat retaliation. Then I would try to do something fun to cheer DC up.

Now as well as not liking this girl your DD probably thinks her mum is loopy too.

Unless, of course, something much worse was said than you are letting on.

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