10yo DD only "living in the moment"

[profscooter]

Anyone recognise this scenario and have any suggestions as to how to deal with it? Our 10 year old daughter is getting into a way of just "living in the current moment", the best way I can think to describe it, which is starting to cause home and school difficulties. Meaning, inability to think ahead about planning for the next day (e.g. school), and instant forgetting of what has gone before (e.g. tidying up). Just doing whatever she is doing, and then moving on to something else.

Our house becomes an endless trail of unfinished drinks, left-on computers and TVs, discarded clothes and shoes, crisp packets, dumped schoolbags, as she moves on from one activity to the next. Her bedroom is an utter tip and only constant nagging with threat of the bin bag over the weekend generated any improvement. Requests to tidy up, put away, etc. are met with "in a minute" and other such responses. The flip side, (forward thinking), is that P.E. kit for school is not taken in so P.E. lessons are missed, homework not finished and homework books not presented for marking. School clothes are often not sent down for washing and finding school clothes for Mondays is often left right to a last minute scrabble through the washing pile. And so on and so forth.

Don't tell me, this is probably normal 10 year old behaviour!

But, any ideas how we can progress from the current situation of trying to stay on her case 24/7 and using threats and nags for all of the above situations and more, to keep her in line as best we can (which is hard work, gets antagonistic and is very wearing on everyone), to a more pleasant scenario where she actually thinks about these things for herself without nagging or prompting and she can therefore be praised for doing so?

that is my ten year old EXACTLY

its very wearing

My DSS2 (who is 13) is like this much of the time. He is unable to multi-task or to take any initiative. It gets incredibly wearing to have to micro-manage him.

I do try to relieve him of some tasks (such as any kind of responsibility for laundry) and try to focus on others (getting homework done on time, getting washed etc). Don't try to get them to learn to multi-task on all issues simultaneously.

No experience of 10 yr olds but in a bid to enourage 7 yr old DS to take responsability, we are making a check list together of what needs to be done on different days. The idea is that we prompt him to check it two or three times a day (and every time he asks to turn on the Wii!) rather than having to remind him.

Could something like this help?

Try to come up with a system for helping her organise herself - much better than nagging and feeling frustrated with her.

For instance - friends have had success creating a daily 'to do' list (obviously, vary according to daily schedule/routine/needs). Their children know to check the list (with a tick box provided!) every day. It alleviates the need for parents to repeat themselves endlessly, and gives their dc a 'prompt' as to what is expected of them, and when.

Blimey that struck a chord, I only went to put the kettle on and 5 posts already - the list thing sounds good, although getting her to remember to check it could be a challenge. Even then, today, she actually remembered to find her PE kit and put it in her kit bag ready, then, her school friend turns up at the door while I'm in the loo, and off they toddle - leaving the kit bag behind. Aaargh!

Oh god you have just described things here to a tee. We have 3 dc ages 9-12 and I'm afraid I do the 'on their case' (ie nag) quite a lot. It is exhausting but if I wasn't onto things there'd be a trail of mouldy lunchboxes and awful PE kits all the fecking time and I suppose I find it easier to anticipate and remind than to pick up the pieces later.

They do sometimes surprise me and seem to get it together but not for long.

Dd is now 12 and went up to yr7 in Sept. It seems secondary school do put a bit of a rocket up them about his sort of thing and after a sharp learning curve of a few weeks she improved quite a bit about school stuff and seems to be managing the expectations there wrt homework and planning and thinking ahead more. It still does take quite a bit of pushing from our end too but it is getting better.

Home life though is the same though. No change there. It drives me bonkers. It drives dh barmy. Chasing up the minutiae of three dc will be the end of me one of these days. My head will implode.

Why don't you try doing a bit more for her at the moment? My DCs are younger so obviously I have to do all that "thinking ahead" for them, but it does sound to me as if you expect a lot of her. I do not for a minute think that kids should have their mothers (or fathers) hovering over their every move and rendering them useless, but for now, why don't you sort out her laundry so that her clothes are ready, get her bags ready and supervise her homework?
I doubt it would be any more work than the nagging and you could pass over responsibility gradually as she becomes more organised.

My dyspraxic 10 yr old is exactly like this! Not saying your DD has dyspraxia but I understand and feel your pain!!

DS's occupational therapist also suggested a check list for him to follow although getting him to remember to look at is another matter!!

I do think that organisation is a skill that needs to be taught though. Some people manage it naturally I know but I think a lot of people have to learn strategies and part of that is taking the consequences if things aren't done properly. So, if your DD doesn't do her homework and hand it in, she has to cope with whatever her teachers throw at her. If she leaves a drink unfinished, she gets what is left next time she asks for a drink. If the light is left on, he has to go and turn it off no matter what else he is doing.

With regard to the bedroom, do you say how you want everything to look? DS would be totally flummoxed if I told him to tidy his bedroom but if I go through each step and say what I want where, it helps. He still doesn't have the motor skills/coordination or whatever to do it to my standards but I have to let it go sometimes.

Not sure what to do about the bag being dumped or the washing not being put out. I suppose I tend to remind once and it has become a habit for me to say it and then DS to do something about it. I don't let him move on until it is done. It is a toughie if you don't want to monitor them all the time though. DS is just beginning to do it off his own bat but after endless repetition and no easy solution.

Well we are to a certain extent doing more for her, in that as BendyBob says it's just easier to anticipate mess and arguments and pre-empt it, for a quieter life. If we didn't, we'd end up with a house like Mr Trebus out of Life of Grime, and we grown ups notice all the mess way, way, before it remotely registers on her radar. But as we discovered this morning with the PE kit, even with preparation all done, distraction still causes things slip through the net. I am pretty sure this behaviour has stemmed from going round to a school friend's house and seen how the parents dote on their darling daughter and everything is done for her. I reckon she's subconsciously thinking, "I'll have some of that, ta".

We have a system that anything that needs to be taken with us is put by the front door. Saves scurrying around as we're leaving, and also eliminates the possibility of not remembering/not being able to find what needs to come with us.

As far as your dd remembering to check her list - you should prompt her on this until it becomes habit. Also - keep the list somewhere central (perhaps the kitchen).

I don't have a 10 yr old dd, but I have an 8 yr old ds who is very lazy prone to get distracted.
I agree with the checklist and with fixing a small number of tasks she should be responsible of.

I agree with Anna, I'd sort her dirty laundry, but I'd want her to be on top of her homework, and keep her room relatively tidy.

Well - at 10 you definitely shouldn't treat her like a toddler, but also imo, shouldn't expect her to be as responsible as an adult. Help her find some middle ground.

Obviously, I don't know your dd but the theory you post about seeing her friend's homelife and wanting to behave the same way just doesn't ring true. If your dd is so unaware of how to organise herself (as many 10 year olds are), I can't see that she would be scheming/manipulative enough in an attempt to imitate her friend. And the fact that you even think that is quite important - bears some looking at, I think.

The point about trying to be like her friend was made because "being easily led and distracted by other kids" has come up in school reports (for both our kids in fact) - I don't think it's a deliberate manipulative/scheming thing but just subconscious. Anyway, will try a list arrangement and see if that helps.

I doubt it's a copying thing. I think some children are intrinsically more organised, and desirous to take control of their own lives, than others.

My DD, who is 6, is always checking up on me to see whether I have done things - and often tells me off if I have done things for her that she wanted to do for herself! My DSS2 cannot understand why things do not magically happen by themselves, and complains long and hard when they don't!

My DS and DD go through phases like this. I absolutely agree that To Do lists are useful. I got both my DCs whiteboards for their bedrooms and encourage them to put reminders on it. I also encourage them to organise clothes etc for the following day as part of their bedtime routine although we've had variable success on that.

As for leaving a trail of items through the house, as soon as I spot them I insist on them dropping what they're doing and sorting it out NOW because "in a minute" never happens. The inconvenience factor of stopping what they're doing to come upstairs and turn off their bedroom light etc seems to help jog their memory for next time.

I agree with Bonsoir, that some children are more organised than others. My dd is similar to her dd, while my ds has NO idea.

I too agree with Bonsoir (OMG Anna! )
Organisational / Forward planning abilities are part of your personality... some have more than others..
My Ds1, 11 is very academic and sporty, at school looks pretty incredible, but at home wanders around in a daze of hopelessness not knowing where anything is and generally being chaotic.
Ds2. 9, is dyspraxic and dyscalculic and over the years has developed his own annoying technique of chanting to himself, all the things he needs to do. Thankfully he has an incredible memory. He is now extremely organised and can tell us all, where we should be and what we should have..
Actually that's the answer...
you all need to borrow my ds2
In all seriousness, I'd prepare for school etc the night before. make sure she has uniform and has gone through her timetable to see if she needs homework / gym kit etc
then I'd write the daily important stuff on the blackboard, to be crossed off when it's done,. I praise ds1 a lot if he has managed to pack his bag / remember kit / lunch etc.. it does work, for an hour or so

totally disagree with hillybilly- if you babify them they will never grow up.

Why dont you draw up a (balanced) list of her rights and responsibilities?

She can 'earn' her rights by fulfilling her 'responsibilities'.

egs of rights: privacy in room, screen time, choose menu, stay up late a weekends etc

egs of responsibilities: tidy room, do homework, pack bag, put own laundry in machine

Well what she lacks in organisation she makes up for in initative. Having got to school and realised she didn't have her PE kit, and probably on course for a letter home or worse, DD has come home and said she raided the lost property box in the changing room before the lesson and found a lost top and tracksuit bottoms, the teacher was none the wiser, and she replaced them afterwards. Smart thinking! :)

Nonetheless if we can stop her getting into these pickles in the first place by being a bit more organised it will be a great help. Checklists ahoy.

My mum suggested a list by the front door of things DS (8) would need to do before keaving the house - not implemented it yet, but could have potential.

Was thinking I may be carrying his book bag to the car when he is at uni, but this thread makes me think he could do with a bit more responsibility.

profscooter - in some ways, I admire the fact that you allow your dd to feel the consequences of her disorganisation.

I'm afraid I hover, and would probably put the PE kit in dd's hands rather than allow her to depart home without it.

My dd2 is just like this, always was, still is at 18. We called it 'living in [her name]land. [her name]land seemed to be a lovely place for her to be - there is no rush, no worry, no stress. It isn't very effective in a busy, busy real world but she has learnt to deal with that in her own way.

When we tried to make her work at OUR planned, pressurised, deadlined life, the only person getting stressed was me - she doesn't do stress. In her own gentle way she has worked out that if she is too late to meet up with friends then they will have gone on without her, and if she doesn't remeber to take her coat then she will get rather cold.

Despite this, she has got good exam grades, is planning to go to university and is currently travelling in Asia.

Yes that's normal behaviour,

Apparently part of puberty is the brain developing these skills so at 10 she really doesn't have the wherewithall to plan ahead cohesively...

My DD (now 14) went through this stage a while ago, she's much better now at sorting her own life out - sometimes her frustration with friends who still dont' 'get it' is quite funny as it reminds me of when she was like this!

Like all things - this is a phase and it will pass :) but in the meantime help her with the critical items (homework etc) and the rest will follow in due course...